Lots and lots of stuff...

So, today in the news:

- I finally watched SW Ep. 3 today. YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!! Of course, the star wars geek in me was watching all throughout the movie for those little things only a star wars geek would notice. Anyway, I LOVE IT!!! the dialogue still sux, but, overall, it was a good way to end the prequel trilogy. Man, when they release that on DVD, I need to hold a Star Wars movie-thon. if my calculations are correct, there's more than 12 HOURS for all the movies. Oh boy, that should be good...

- I muct say, being at home has been good for letting me think about my previously mentioned attraction to Person A. (If you can't tell, I would like to try and not directly mention her name anymore. Those of you who know me well already know who I am talking about, and bringing up her name only makes me think about her more. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but... ehhhh...) I dunno, I still can't ascertain whether or not my attraction to her is acting parallel to my concern for and commitment to her well-being and growth, or even if they can be made to parallel. I must say, all of this is interesting, but, of course, you already know that. I continue to experience periods when my mind is fixated on this attraction, and they are definitely much stronger now than before, but perhaps they are becoming more under control, I dunno. Please pray for discernment, for me, and, well, just for the Lord's guidance in my life, and in hers. (You know, this may all be quite interesting when I return to Berkeley. I shall need to talk to certain ppl...)

- I'm planning on writing an opinion essay for Cal BHT on Mainstream American "Christian culture." We'll see how that all turns out.

- Speaking of Cal BHT, I want to figure out who else to invite. If anyone reading this has any suggestions, and also the email addresses for those people, please tell me.

- been reading a lot. If you wanna know what, call me or IM me.

- Missed CM last week. However, i am looking forward to doing it next friday.

Uh, my mind has become mush, so I can't recall all the things I wanted to write down, but I'll write stuff up later.

On grass and futility in life...

Let me put this forth simply:

I hate grass.

Or, more precisely, I hate lawns.

What can I say? They really irritate me. Their only purpose in their existense is to "prettify" a neighborhood. And we will devote so much time, resources, and money to making sure that they stay pretty. We waste so much time trying to mow it, making it look nice. We waste so much water, trying to make it grow just right. Some ppl will use fertilizer, so that it has just the right shade of green.

Now, that's just what we waste to maintain a lawn. But what about a lawn itself? There you are, with a sizeable area of land. And, while there are so many ppl all over the world starving, we use this land which could be used to grow food to simply make our house look better.

To make ourselves look better. According to what we are told is good.

Now, all of this is not to say that grass in and of itself is evil. I would think that grass would be very important if I had, say, a cow, goat, or sheep, or maybe some other grazing animal.

But, by itself, grass in a lawn is very,... well, meaningless. It achieves no good, but it just lies there, using up resources that could be used to support life and help people.

So, why am I writing so much on grass? Because I think that this is a good representation of the way I see the lives of many ppl, including myself.

I mean, sure, we have some thing to do, whether it be going to some school, or working at a desk job, or ... whatever. And, it may be the case that such things could be useful, in different circumstances. But, as for right now, as things stand, we are just like that area of dirt, covered with grass: absolutely meaningless and purposeless. Sure, we may look good to those around us, but what good is looking good if your existence means nothing? You aren't fruitful.

Heck. I gotta say, I don't see myself as being very fruitful. And, to make things worse, I have the weeds of sin always growing in me, and I can do nothing by myself to change that.

Oh, Lord, I pray that you would change me, from being a lawn, completely pointless in my existence, to something that would be fruitful, that would be able to serve you and others as I bear fruit as a result of your work in my life. Through your grace and power, help me as I battle these weeds of sin in my life. May I be pleasing and useful to you and to those around me. Amen.

-----------

Ok, maybe all that didn't make too much sense. But, I was being honest when I said I hate lawns... And hopefully you will learn something from this stupid metaphor.

Reasons why I dislike going home during breaks...

- I can't really do much, since I don't drive and since I live in the middle of suburbia, except also on top of a hill, which makes walking and biking around that much more difficult.
- I just get too comfortable and thus am more likely to fall to my temptations. I fail to keep up my guard, and I begin to just weaken.
- They use Windows on the computers. 'Nuff said.
- I don't have anyone to talk to about spiritual stuff. When I'm at Cal, I can go down the hallway or up the stairs, and there will be someone to talk to. But here, I've lost track of most of my friends from high school, and most of my friends were non-Christian anyway.
- The kitchen is extremely disorganized, and the pantry and the refrigerator are always filled with stupid stuff, like microwaveable, instant meals and various inedible Asian foodstuffs.
- I have a hard time getting access to the Internet to check email and such, for the only computers to use are those of my bros and of my parents, and, when I do find time, I have a hard time keeping self-control concerning obscene material on the internet, since again they use Windows, which is an environment in which I can easily hide my tracks. Also, since my brothers are teenage boys with high-speed connections, they invariably look at obscene material, and I am pretty good at figuring out where they would be hiding it on their comps, which provides even more opportunity to sin.
- Slow internet connection
- Since the kitchen is so hard to use, I don't cook all too much, but I can't go anywhere nearby to eat, like I can when in Berkeley and with Asian Ghetto.
- I am unable to bring my entire library of books and CDs home with me.
- I don't learn and grow as much at my church here at home as i do at church and fellowship over in Berkeley. The old people service gets annoying quick, and I don't really fit into the high school youth group anymore.

---------------
I dunno what to do. Maybe I'll do some work in the backyard, or maybe I'll go fishing or something. Oh, and maybe I'll go take a lot of walks, maybe lose some weight. I plan to do a lot of reading, but I don't know how much I will actually do. Oh, and a lot of knitting too.

I hate suburbia.

Lord, make me useful to You. Please use me to bring pleasure to You.

On physical attraction and love...

So, I'm now at home in Pacifica. Let's see if I can be useful here, instead of being useless like usual.

...

So, recently, I have been feeling kinda ... well, let me say under the weather. I'm not sick though. Well, not exactly...

So, as I have mentioned before, I have been dealing with the fact that I find myself with what appears to be a crush on a certain someone. This is kinda annoying.

So, I don't know exactly how to classify this feeling that I have, but it is really affecting how I have been feeling and acting. Well, let me explain it this way:

You know how the world describes what it is like to be in love? You know, you find it hard to breathe; you can't get your mind off that person, or maybe you can't get your mind on anything else; you find yourself all self-conscious around that person; and all that? Man, I totally find myself feeling like that. It's like... it's like I have some sort of disorder or something, with all these recurring and seemingly unavoidable symptoms.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I hate feeling this way. I mean, I really find all of this interesting. All I can say is that I cannot say this is love, for love is commitment, and I know not if I can be committed to Person A, for to be quite honest, I don't know if I can trust myself. This, above all else, is the problem. I have the feelings, no doubt about it, and I would like to be committed to her, but I see myself as only an untrustworthy individual. I don't know if I could be committed to her growth, spiritual maturity, and purity in a deeper relationship.

(Maybe I'll write something later on my general lack of trust in myself. I mean, this is the problem behind all these girl problems, behind the reasons I don't see myself as being a very good teacher, why I couldn't be a pastor, etc. We'll see..)

Well, let me say that I am thankful to Person A for putting up with my silliness and stupidity in general. All of this stuff is messing with me, and, well, its a hassle. I would like some ending to all of this, whether it be love or just ... whatever.

But, yeah, I pray that God would just bring an end to all of these things. He knows what I would like, and I know that he is faithful to me and to Himself. So, in all of these things, may he be glorified. May I be used as His tool and as a part of His body. May I find my greatest love focused on him, for I am a member of His church, His bride. And may I be faithful to Him, above all else. And may all these things be true for Person A.

In Jesus' Name,
AMEN

Lots-of-stuff-O-Rama!!!

Man, what a crazy ride life has been recently. All this stuff to do with school, church, girls, and so much more has been... well, it's been pretty interesting, let's just say that. There's so much I could say, but I know that my lack of eloquence will really prevent me from getting a lot of this stuff across. So, if you wanna know more, talk to me :)

concerning School:
Well, I'm pretty sure that I will be failing 2 of my 3 classes this semester. And, while this does annoy me somewhat, I don't really find myself worrying about it. And I think that's a good thing. I just pray that I would be faithful to God in my studies next semester.

concerning the opposite sex:
Well, hmm, I don't know exactly how much I should say concerning this. Let me just say that things are ... well, they're ending up well. Still some stuff I'm working on, praying about, and reading up on, but, all in all, things are relatively well right now. Maybe I'll write something about this sometime... we'll see.

concerning church:
Well, I am pretty sure I will be staying at New Church now. I really like the whole church and I have been growing a lot. It has been good.

other matters:
- I would recommend that all guys read "Every Woman's Battle." I finished it in two days, and, I must say, what a helpful read! It definitely helps me understand the POV of some of my friends of the fairer sex, not to mention how a lot of the stuff it discusses is also applicable to guys too. (Like all the other books I own, if you would like to read this book, you can borrow it from me. Just ask...)
- I am so encouraged by the JesusFreak books. They have really been helping me understand what it means to live one's life faithful to Christ in all things. To say the very least, these books remain some of my favorite books ever.
- To continue with matters of chastity and purity, after mentioning EWB above, I would really recommend that everyone read the article on the proper place of chastity in the Christian life and in the spiritual disciplines. Here's a link.
- Man, I just can't get back into knitting. And I would really like to. I'll be working on this during summer.
- I've really begun listening to some of the Christian CDs that I haven't listened to in a while. Learning a lot from some of them.
- Due to conversing with many ppl, I am trying to clean up my speech a little. Please bear with me and help me through this.
- Well, I'm gonna be going home for a month. To be quite honest, I don't really enjoy going home, because I become so incredibly useless while at home. Hopefully, this will not be the case during this time home.

WhatI wanna be when i grow up: An Essay

When I was little, I remember ppl used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I never had an answer for them.

I mean, I never really thought about it back then. It didn't seem so very important.

So, fast forward many years. I still have absolutely no idea what I wan to do.

To be quite honest, I know what I don't wanna be: I would hate to get old and become normal. I would hate to really change who I am and fit into the machine of society. I would rather die a horrible death at a young age than grow old and normal.

Who am I? Who do I see myself as? Well, to be quite honest, I see myself as a freak, a social outcast. One who just doesn't fit in well with others.

It's who I have always been, and its who I am. I just don't fit into the system, nor do I particularly want to. I would just like to do what I can, not fitting into normal society but rather sticking out as different.

It's just who I am to be reactionary in my actions and personality.

So, hmm, what can I say? i guess i actually do have an answer for the question above...

I would like to be, above all else, a Jesus Freak. A person who has such love and committment to Jesus that they cannot help but stick out in their society. One who is a disciple of Jesus to such a level that ppl are forced to react. One not ashamed to be radical in my faith. One who loves God and others to such a degree that people will be pointed to God when they see me, for I would reflect Him alone.

All these stories of Jesus Freaks involve being different. Many are martyred for their faiths. Many are tortured and whatever else, but through it all they continue to focus on God and love their enemies.

Oh, Lord, how I wish that you would work in me, that I might be able to glorify you in that way. Please make me a sacrifice to you, that others might see past me and praise you, My Father in Heaven. You know my heart. I long to be done away with tedium in life, and I want to live radically for you. You know my heart and how I long to be way from this earthly tent and to be with you. But, Lord, more thn that, I pray that I would please you.

Lord, I don't want my life to be wasted, with me having a focus on temporary things. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on heaven and on your eternal things.

Lord, as that one song goes, "I don't wanna be a casual christian. I don't wanna live a lukewarm life." I don't want my worship and my spiritual life to consist of just singing little clappy worship songs, but I want my whole life to be an act of worship unto you.

So, Lord, I pray that you would grant me discernment that i might be able to figure out what is really important to you, what is important for me to do as your servant.

Lord, thank you for your faithfulness to me. Please make me faithful always to you.

As the psalmist says, May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you.

In Jesus Name I pray,
AMEN

a factor...

I was looking through my large collection of books, my library, and I came across some books tht I had read a while back and had really enjoyed: the JesusFreaks books by dcTalk and Voice of the Martyrs. The books are collections of stories of martyrs from all time periods, whether centuries ago or maybe even a few years ago. One reads about how these ppl stood firmly in their faith, choosing not to conform to the societies in which they lived because of their faith and relationship to Christ, and who stood as lights in the darkness and cities on a hill. They refused to deny Christ, even in the face of persecution, torture, and death.

And I was thinking about that, and I realized that the entire JesusFreak concept has been a major factor in the development of how I think and who I am.

------------

[What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?
What will people do
When they find that's it's true?]

Separated, I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I've divorced

...

(chorus)
What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth

Kamikaze, my death is gain
I've been marked by my Maker
A peculiar display
The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek

There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn't too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
They thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

(repeat chorus 2x)

People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

(repeat chorus 2x)

What will people think
[What will people think]
What will people do
[What will people do]
I don't really care
[What else can I say]
There ain't no disguising the truth
[Jesus is the way]

---------------

This is one of the biggest influences I have had growing up, the idea of being non-conformist in one's society in order to glorify God.

And this idea is one that looms in the back of my head, or even in the front of it, as I go about, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. This is one reason, perhaps, that I have an interesting obsession with open-air preaching.

Also, since one major factor in all of these martyr stories is the idea of not looking to earthly things for pleasure, but instead turning to God and to non-transient things, this is a factor that has developed in my head and which affects the way I look at a lot of things.

I was once gonna write a long post about how I would love to be a JesusFreak, seen as totally strange in the society I lived in because of my faith, focused first and foremost on God and on things eternal, and not bothered by earthly, temporary things. In the end, I decided that the post wasn't very good, and I couldn't word it to accurately express what I wanted to say.

Anyway, for those of you who read this, I hope you find this realization as interesting as I did. Perhaps it will help both you and I figure out exactly who I am and why I am that way.

More stuff...

I have another post on love, but I think I shall wait until later to actuall type it up and post it on here (its written in my journal - yep, go oldschool! Blog v.0.1 :) )

As for now, I just had an interesting thought. I wonder how ANYTHING can be used by God. I mean, I was talking to Sanjay last night and he was talking about how Linguistics has its roots in evangelism and translating the Bible into every language. (Very interesting subject, I recommend that you go ask him about it sometime.)

Anyway, yeah, how can anything be used to glorify God?

For instance, how about being a Star Wars geek? Or knitting or cooking? Or how about antisocial tendencies that I have?

Or how about being Filipino and not really having much cultural influence from that background? I mean, I don't speak the language, I don't know much about being filipino except on how to mimic the accent and how to cook some of the foods. I am hindered linguistically and geographically from getting to know a lot of my relatives.

Oh, how about, oh, i dunno, being slightly overweight.

I dunno, I'm not really thinking right now. This stuff is just coming out of my head through my hands as I type like some sort of mental drool.

Ok, enough of this... time to post over at calBHT...
------------------
Oh, and I had a really good convo with Bernard last night while delivering care packages to frosh. I hadn't realized how similar our backgrounds and stories are. Please pray for him...

On ppl reading this...

So in a previous post, I made a comment about how it really bothers me that jason is the only one that comments here. (That was the main point I was trying to make, not that I consider his comments absolutely worthless. Although there may be some truth to that second part... i dunno... whatever)

I suppose that the main reason that that really bothers me is that I might develop a tendency to just start writing these posts to Jason, or to the others who I know read these posts.

And I don't want that. These posts aren't meant to be to anyone in particular, but rather just an accurate portrayal of the way I think.

(That is why I might cuss in here: its because that's how I actually think. Those are usually the words that will go through my mind.)

I must say though that I do acknowledge the fact that there are people reading this, for if I didn't, then I wouldn't bother putting all of this up online in the first place. And I wouldn't always be trying to make apologies and explanations for the way I write. And I wouldn't be hoping and praying for ppl to be better enabled to help me out of my pit by reading any of this.

But, yeah, it does depress me that I might tend to write these posts as maybe letters to those who I know read this.

So, yeah, If you're looking for the theological side of me, then don't look here. That person is to be found on some other site. Same for if you are looking for the sid of me that's focused on being crafty, or the side that tries to be academic, or whatever else. All that I offer here is a look into one of the sides of my personality. Of course, I would say that this is the most honest look into my personality, but then again, it is this side of my personality that is writing this.

So, yeah, ....... Don't expect much more than the depressed side of me, or the super philosophical side of me, for that's the person who writes this.

Damn, here I am again, writing a post specifically to those who read this. If you all don't mind, I'll try to stop writing to you guys, and just try to write as though I was just writing to myself.

Oh, and by the way, yes, I would appreciate it if more ppl would comment than just lurking. whatever....

thoughts on depression...

" =) Stop being depressed. Stop accepting it." - Mr. Jason Kong

The above was a comment to my previous post. I would like to respond to it, but I don't know exactly what to say, so I'll just make this up as I go.

First, I must be truthful about this: on one hand, I hate being depressed, but on the other hand, its quite comfortable. Heck, I've been here so long, it seems pretty normal to me. I can't really imagine being in any other state non-temporarily. or at least that's what I would say right now.

Second, as much as I would like to blame this depression on school and girls and whatever else, I have to admit that this depression is also caused by myself. However, I don't think I have the impetus force to drag myself out of it alone. thus, I ask for help and advice on here (although, I must say again, although this time politely, that it bothers me quite a lot that Jason is the only one who comments. I'll talk about this in a post right after this.)

Third, I don't really have any willpower to bring myself to those who would help me. I just pray that God would lead ppl here, to know what I go through.

I really would hate to have to bring this to someone else to ask them for their help. I don't want to put myself on their shoulders as a burden. This is why I don't tell ppl about my site all too much. This is why I don't tell girls about my crushes on them. This is why I find myself really really antisocial.

Thus, this is why I ask those who read this to tell others for me, if they think it would be edifying towards whoever they might tell. I refuse to burden others with my problems, for (i would say) I consider others to be much more important than I do myself, so... yeah.

Fourth, let me say this: It isn't the fact that I am depressed that bothers me most. Rather, I am bothered more by the idea that perhaps my depression keeps me from really serving God well. Thus, in my prayers, I will pray that God would make me useful to Him, even if be through my depression.

well, there's probably a lot more to be said, but I don't fell like talking about that now. So, maybe later, ... maybe

Important Note...

I have realized that my blog can be depressing and anger-inducing at times, so let me say this to all of you who read this (about 3, as far as I know):

If my blog is not edifying to you, then I recommend you stop reading this. If it in no way enables you to serve and love God more and love others more, then don't read it. If I say things that might cause you to sin, stop coming here.

On the other hand, if you see yourself as somehow growing, then please don't stop. If you are somehow better enabled to serve and love God and to love others, then keep coming, please. If I am a stumbling block to you, please don't read this anymore.

Also, please tell me, lovingly if possible.

I'm sorry to those who i've angered by what I have wrote. I am just trying to be real and honest about who I am and what I think. However, I realize that this won't help many ppl in their walks with God, and so it is for this reason that I try not to tell people about this site.

For future reference:
- I do not think cussing is inherently wrong.
- I do not strongly hold to a Reformed theological position, although I lean towards being Reformed, but not too much.
- I do not really have a very high view of myself or what I do, and so there might be a lot of content filled with deep depression and self-loathing.
- Above all things, I really do want to love others and love and honor God more. However, I do not see love for others and love for God in exactly the same way as others might.

There's probably more to warn you about, but I can't think too much right now.

Again, sorry for all of my failures.

May God bless you as you continue to live, and may he use me as his instrument of blessing.
Lord, I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen

i read through my post with the title filled with colorful words, and I realized that some of the things i said were quite poorly worded, so perhaps one might think i was trying to say something else than what I actually meant. So, yeah, whoever you might be reading this in web-land, feel free to just talk with me sometime.

for jason:

http://calbht.blogspot.com/

(contact me so i can add ppl and stuff. Oh, and who do you want in here?

NO GIRLS ALLOWED!!!!!!!! no, j/k
)

just a word of appreciation...

well, I was just looking through some of the AACF xangas, and as I was doing so I happened to come across Angus's xanga.

You know, I don't really know this brother all too well, but whenever I see him, he's almost always a really big encouragement.

I dunno exactly what it is... I guess its just the way his personality is built.

Anyway, in case he ever reads this (I don't think that's all too likely, but anyway...):

Hey Angus, thanks for just always being a cool guy and a loving brother in Christ. I don't know so very much about you and what you are going through, but let me say this: no matter what you are going through, may God bless you as you continue in your walk and continue to seek after Him. Again, thanks so much for just always being real with others and for just... well, being you.

peace.

Short post...

It really bothers me that environmentalism is always linked to hippie, New Age religions. Dangit, what about us Christian environmentalists?...

On Biblical Love, Romance, Infatuations, and Teeth like Sheep...

Well, gather round children... It looks like its time once again for me to share my unbelievably great wisdom with the world...

no, j/k...

..........................

So, what I wanted to talk about is, once again, love.

I was talking with a friend recently about the nature of love. We discussed how we see the Bible describing what love is, and my friend pointed me to one passage that seemed to him to really define how love was supposed to be.

No, it wasn't 1 Corinthians 13, nor was it one of the many verses describing love in 1 John.

Instead, he brought up Ephesians 5:22-33 :

22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

30because we are members of His body.

31FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.

32This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

33Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

---------

Now, I wasn't thinking about this at first today, as I was reading my Bible. No, what was on my mind was the deep infatuations and crushes I have found myself having towards some members of the opposite sex quite recently.

(To be quite honest, I find such obsessions quite bothersome, but as much as I would like to do away with them, these seem to be programmed into the very core of who I am, so instead, I must find out how these can be used, guided, directed, and otherwise controlled so that God might be glorified in me.)

Now, I began to look at examples of romantic love in the Bible. I first was looking at the story of Jacob working for seven years to gain Rachel as his wife. (See Genesis 29)

20So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her.

Now that, my friend, is romantic. Not just cheesy "Look, I brought you flowers" romantic, nor even simply "Look, I brought you chocolate" romantic. No, this is full-on, chick-flick "I would give up my (insert important internal organ here) so that you could live happy" romantic.

Well, after trying to fit my mind around this unbelievably awe-inspiring and intimidating example of "gushy love stuff," I wanted to find some example of "love" gone bad. And, lo and behold, I found that too, wall within the pages of the good book.

Amnon and Tamar
2 Samuel 13:1-22

1Now it was after this that Absalom the son of David had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar, and Amnon the son of David loved her.

2Amnon was so frustrated because of his sister Tamar that he made himself ill, for she was a virgin, and it seemed hard to Amnon to do anything to her.

3But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother; and Jonadab was a very shrewd man.

4He said to him, "O son of the king, why are you so depressed morning after morning? Will you not tell me?" Then Amnon said to him, "I am in love with Tamar, the sister of my brother Absalom."

5Jonadab then said to him, "Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill; when your father comes to see you, say to him, 'Please let my sister Tamar come and give me some food to eat, and let her prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat from her hand.'"

6So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill; when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, "Please let my sister Tamar come and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand."

7Then David sent to the house for Tamar, saying, "Go now to your brother Amnon's house, and prepare food for him."

8So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house, and he was lying down. And she took dough, kneaded it, made cakes in his sight, and baked the cakes.

9She took the pan and dished them out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, "Have everyone go out from me." So everyone went out from him.

10Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food into the bedroom, that I may eat from your hand." So Tamar took the cakes which she had made and brought them into the bedroom to her brother Amnon.

11When she brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, "Come, lie with me, my sister."

12But she answered him, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this disgraceful thing!

13"As for me, where could I get rid of my reproach? And as for you, you will be like one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you."

14However, he would not listen to her; since he was stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her.

15Then Amnon hated her with a very great hatred; for the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up, go away!"

16But she said to him, "No, because this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you have done to me!" Yet he would not listen to her.

17Then he called his young man who attended him and said, "Now throw this woman out of my presence, and lock the door behind her."

18Now she had on a long-sleeved garment; for in this manner the virgin daughters of the king dressed themselves in robes. Then his attendant took her out and locked the door behind her.

19Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her long-sleeved garment which was on her; and she put her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.

20Then Absalom her brother said to her, "Has Amnon your brother been with you? But now keep silent, my sister, he is your brother; do not take this matter to heart." So Tamar remained and was desolate in her brother Absalom's house.

21Now when King David heard of all these matters, he was very angry.

22But Absalom did not speak to Amnon either good or bad; for Absalom hated Amnon because he had violated his sister Tamar.

BTW, Tamar's brother Absalom kills Amnon, so yeah... (Of course he tries to take over David's kingdom too, but he dies b/c his really-big-hair gets caught in a tree. But that's another story...)

Anyway, I looked at that, and I said to myself (not aloud, of course, for I was in a study hall, but rather I said this in a mental way):"Well, that is a great example of infatuation going wrong."

So, After seeing two very great extremes, I wanted to just find something that stood as a real Biblical example of romantic love, to see what exactly I should live up to in my crushes and such. And, lo and behold once again, there was revealed to me a book, often overlooked by those who exegete books of the Bible, which revealed the amazing romance between two lovers, filled with rapturous delight because of their love for one another.

Yes, I am talking about Song of Songs.

Man, I've read that book so many times (well, maybe 3 or 4 times), but this reading was still quite enlightening. I read through this amazing account of erotic poetry, and I really was amazed at...

well, to be quite frank, I was amazed at how much these two lovers just enjoyed one another. Not just in some spiritual sense, or some friendly sense. No, they go on and on about each others' bodies, how they smell, (how teeth remind them of sheep,) etc. This truly was a love which manifested itself in their physical relationship.

And I'm not just talking about some really shallow description of each other's physical beauty. No, they dive right into some really deep sexual stuff.

And, it was with these thoughts that I read it. And, about halfway through the book, the verse from Ephesians which my friend had brought up a few days earlier popped into my head.

About how husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.

And I sat there, and thought, "well what does that mean, exactly?"

So, I read through the entire book of Song of Songs again, this time focusing not on the love between a man and a woman, but rather on how this love was a model of the relationship between Christ and the church.

(I'll be quite honest: At times, I got caught up in the erotic poetry again, but) As I read it again, I was amazed at How much Christ loves the church, and how much the church should love Christ. And I found myself praising god because of such a love as this.

And this brought me back to the deep crushes and infatuations and such that I have been facing and dealing with. And I looked at them, and I thought, "These are nothing compared to such a great love as does exist between Solomon and his lover, and between Christ and the Church."

So, I pray to God, that He would deepen my love and expand my understanding of love, that it might truly mirror the greatness of His love.

And, now that I think about it, romantic love isn't the only type of love that should mirror the love of Christ. All love should mirror Christ's love, whether it be friendship, parental love, or whatever.

------------------

Having said all of this, let me share with you a song I learned in the Philippines, while I was fellowshipping with the youth of the church at which my grandfather used to pastor (For those of you who care, I am talking about First Baptist Church of Pamplona, in Curva, Pamplona, Cagayan, RP). We sang this song in a little icebreaker game we played, and as was walking balk to my apartment from studying, this song somehow popped into my head:

"Oh, I love you with the Love of the Lord!
Yes, I love you with the love of the Lord!
I can see, in you, the glory of my King!
Oh, I love you with the love of the Lord!"
-----------------------------

Lord, may the message of that simple little song be true in all the loves I have in my life. May I learn to love others with such a love as yours. In fact, may the depth of my love even for You my King become more and more like the depth of the love you have shown to me. May all this be for your glory, oh Father in Heaven. I pray all these things in Jesus' name, (Oh, may he truly be the greatest love of my soul) AMEN.

culture suxors...

I really hate being a product of my culture.

I hate it that ppl value money so much to the point of idolatry.
I hate it that horribly skinny girls are attractive.
I hate it that everyone is so damn fixated on sex all the time.
I hate it that almost everybody is taking advantage of the name of Jesus for some reason or another, without focusing on actually following Him.
I hate it that ppl value individuality so much.
I hate it that swearing is considered worse than ignoring homeless ppl on the street, who are trying to feed themselves or maybe their families.
I hate it that everyone is made to fit into some socially defined mold, whether that be businessman, intellectual, blue collar worker, athlete, or whatever else.
I hate it that our society makes ppl decide what to do with their lives (in college) before those ppl really even develop as ppl.
I hate it that ppl always seek out sex and intimacy without committment.
I hate it that ppl will get depressed about how ugly, fat, stupid they are, but then not do anything to fix the problem.
I hate it that morals and laws nowadays are defined by large corporations trying to make profit.
I hate it that a lot of mainstream "Christians" are more interested in establishing and protecting their own Christian subculture, than they are about living out Christian lives and evangelizing to others.
I hate it that ppl who are very academic in their faith get all prideful and arrogant.

(more to come later, maybe...)

Above all else, I hate it that, in some way or another, to some degree or another, these all are true of me or affect me deeply.

Banquet and blessings/exhortations...

what follows is also written in the CAL AACF community building xanga:

Hey all,

Well, this is my first time writing on here. Let's see how this turns out...

BANQUET WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!

Really, it was great! I mean, the food, the fellowship, the skits, the worship: it was all really great!

The freshmen skit was really good! great job all of you "young'ins", as Eddy says in his Senior thingie in the program.

Yeah, it was all good. Although, I must say, around the end I was kinda depressed and sad. I mean, its the end of such a great yr, and a bunch of ppl I have come to love will be leaving. Thus, sad.

But, it was also happy in many ways. I mean, worship was good. And I am looking forward to seeing how God will lead AACF next yr.

I dunno. I don't really know how to feel...

I guess many of you noticed that I wasn't being very social afterwards. I dunno why, but I just wasn;t feeling very social. I just felt... depressed and stuff. (For some reason, same thing happened last year after banquet... maybe its some sort of trend) Anyway, thanks to all of you who came up to me afterwards, even tho I don't like pics of myself. (I wrote about that on my own blog...)

Anyway, after saying all this, lemme just say...
Thank you all for the great times we have had this year. I pray that God will make next year as much of a blessing as this one has been.

To the seniors: I realize I don't know many of you very well. Regardless, I pray that God would bless you for the rest of your lives.

To my male friends: Thanks for always being good brothers and gentlemen. I'll try to be a better brother next year, helping you guys grow, and I hope that God would use all of you to help me grow and mature in my faith. Press on in this race of life, and always try to be WIMPS!(Oh, and about the knitting: I know it's not very "manly," but you should try it sometime!)

To my female friends: Thank you for living as Holy ladies in pursuit of God. I pray that God would use me to help and serve you all in whatever way I can be used, and that you all would continue to help me grow. Continue to be beautiful, not only in physical appearance, but also in spiritual ways, as you live your lives in the love of our God.

I don't know why I am writing all of this, or even why I am up this late (I'm not sure, but I think I just felt an earthquake too, or maybe something just shook Royston really hard...) Anyway, God bless you all, and Lordwilling I'll see you all later.

-thebrainkid

pls do me a favor

pls do not link to this site on your sites or blogs. I would rather that ppl just kinda hear about it from me or maybe from other ppl who read this by word of mouth. thx...

so, here's something interesting...

http://www.faceanalyzer.com

i put in this photo:


and i got these results:

100% Eastern European

Personality Profile Rank
Intelligence 6.9 Very Intelligent
Risk 2.1 Very Low Risk
Ambition 6.0 Average Ambition
Gay Factor 1.0 Very Low Gay Factor
Honor 4.0 Low Honor
Politeness 8.9 High Politeness
Income 6.9 $50,000 - $100,000
Sociability 6.0 Average Sociability
Promiscuity 1.1 Very Unpromiscuous

YOUR ARCHETYPE:
Personality Profile:

Your main drive is to be admired by those with similar interests to you. Money and influence is not of your concern. You are interested and may be active in certain political movements which you consider to be moral. You may act or dress in a unique way to reflect your eccentric personality. Your emotions fluctuate fairly often resulting in you going through incredible highs and devastating lows. When someone is attacking you personally you tend to ignore them, for you do not like to argue with those who you consider to be barbaric. You may however simply be fearful and timid. You generally enjoy interacting with other and have some acquaintances.

You may enjoy using drugs to escape reality and explore different perspectives. You spend much of your time doing what you love. You are employed for the sole reason of sustaining yourself. You may even be unemployed. But you may be great at your passion and making good money off of it.

Your view of other types
You consider Boss type to be egotistical and selfish so you may only interact with them during your employment. For the most part you do not interact with Academic types for you rather take it easy. You may like certain Academics because of their knowledge of interesting subjects. You tend to avoidCharmers because they may attack you verbally. You consider Gambler types to be duplicitious loners. You do not interact with the White collar or Blue collar types, for you consider them to be slaves of conformity. You sympathize with Drifters.

Other types' view of you
You do not concern Boss types for they look down on you; they believe that you waste too much time. For the most part Academic types do not respect you, however there are some Artists that they give some credit to. Blue collar and White collar types think that you are unrealistic and immature. Charmer types see you as an attention seeker and are often the people who criticize you. Gambler types see you as a fool who has no focus on financial success. Drifter types may enjoy your relaxed personality; they believe they can relate to you.


Alpha Artist: Most intelligent and ambitious.

Expected Occupations: Designer, Computer Graphic Artist, Painter, Professor, Professional movie critic

Beta Artist: Somewhat intelligent. Adopts styles like goth; styles that are unconventional and are intended to show their uniqueness.

Expected Occupations: Social Worker, Chef, Music Producer, Theater Actor, Theater/Film Director, Physical Therapist,

Theta Artist: Adopt new styles quickly. Not concerned with being looked down on.

Expected Occupations: Cashier, Unskilled laborer


---

interesting, no. I think it is pretty accurate, except for the entire eastern european thing. :)

u try it too! tell me what u get by leaving a comment

cereal...

Something i have noticed...

For the last 4 times i have eaten cereal, while eating it, i start feeling icky and all depressed. I don't know why...

(Ok, i know this wasn't as deep as my past entries... whatever)

...

On physical qualities...

Damn, I look goofy.

No, seriously. Whenever I look at a picture of myself, I think "Man, I hate the way I look!"

I mean, Either I look overweight, or maybe just a little too husky, or perhaps too dark, or not enough, or Standing/sitting/lying in a bad position, or whatever else.

Like, when I look at others, I see thin ppl or tall ppl, who have their beauty in their thin-ness or height. Also, there are Fat ppl or short ppl, who have some cuteness and cuddlyness about them as a result of their roundness or, well, smallness. And I happen to be in the middle of this all, or so I would say about myself.

In case you are curious, I bring this up because I was just looking at some pictures of a friend on a xanga. (No, I won't tell you which friend.) And as I looked at those pictures, even still, despite the static nature of pictures and the not-so-great quality of the pics, her beauty still shone through.

And that's amazing.

Now, I don't say this with any attraction in mind. No, this one is strictly a friend. And yet, ...

I really don't know how to describe it, other than to say that there's something that just glows about her in pictures of her, not to mention how this is oh-so-very more true in real life.

As for me, I find myself, looking at myself, and thinking, "Well, at least I've got brains and personality..." hehe

So, what is there to say? What must I say about my lack of aesthetic beauty?

"Thank you God for making me so ... well, to be quite honest... so ugly, because as such I truly do appreciate the beauty of your creation in others around me. Lord, help me to never ever become conceited in any physical aspect of myself, just as I often get conceited in the mental aspects of myself, but rather to ... rejoice... in this weakness of mine. Lord, I pray that when ppl look at me, that they would be able to look past the husky filipino that I look like and rather that they would be able to see the beauty of you in me."

Oh, God and please make this the last post I ever, ever write about the way I look. :)

More on Love...

So, another adventure into the world of Love!

Here's something to think about:
As Christians, we often talk about how it is important for us to be loving to others.

Generally, love in our modern society comes in the form of culturally-defined gestures of respect and not dishonor. We value intimacy over commitment. And there seems to be a great confusion btw/ love and lust.

Now then, as Christians, we are called to love others, even our enemies. Now this is hard, no question about that. But what does love look like, exactly? What is included in love?

So, I would say that the model for Christian love should be God's love, especially as shown in and through Jesus Christ. Also, we have models of love in other Biblical figures and relationships. So,...

What are we to say about how Jesus relates to the Pharisees? There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus loved them and that his love for them should serve in some way as a model for our love. Now, if you look through the accounts of Jesus' life and deeds, there are many instances of Jesus straight-up calling the Pharisees "mean names." I mean, who wouldn't get angry at being called a "brood of vipers" or how about "white-washed sepulchres"? Then we also have "hypocrites," "blind Pharisees," "blind guides," "blind fools," etc. (Most of those were from Matt 23, in case u were wondering.)

And yet, Jesus loved them. Now, I don't think that calling ppl such names as these counts as love as it is commonly understood today. So, I guess our concept of love today is wrong.

(BTW, for more on this, look at the essay on love over at Tektonics.org: http://www.tektonics.org/whatis/whatlove.html)

Hmm, I have a bunch more to write, but I shall write that stuff later, perhaps.

OK, Peace be with you, and ta-ta for now!