Sunday, May 15, 2005

thoughts on depression...

" =) Stop being depressed. Stop accepting it." - Mr. Jason Kong

The above was a comment to my previous post. I would like to respond to it, but I don't know exactly what to say, so I'll just make this up as I go.

First, I must be truthful about this: on one hand, I hate being depressed, but on the other hand, its quite comfortable. Heck, I've been here so long, it seems pretty normal to me. I can't really imagine being in any other state non-temporarily. or at least that's what I would say right now.

Second, as much as I would like to blame this depression on school and girls and whatever else, I have to admit that this depression is also caused by myself. However, I don't think I have the impetus force to drag myself out of it alone. thus, I ask for help and advice on here (although, I must say again, although this time politely, that it bothers me quite a lot that Jason is the only one who comments. I'll talk about this in a post right after this.)

Third, I don't really have any willpower to bring myself to those who would help me. I just pray that God would lead ppl here, to know what I go through.

I really would hate to have to bring this to someone else to ask them for their help. I don't want to put myself on their shoulders as a burden. This is why I don't tell ppl about my site all too much. This is why I don't tell girls about my crushes on them. This is why I find myself really really antisocial.

Thus, this is why I ask those who read this to tell others for me, if they think it would be edifying towards whoever they might tell. I refuse to burden others with my problems, for (i would say) I consider others to be much more important than I do myself, so... yeah.

Fourth, let me say this: It isn't the fact that I am depressed that bothers me most. Rather, I am bothered more by the idea that perhaps my depression keeps me from really serving God well. Thus, in my prayers, I will pray that God would make me useful to Him, even if be through my depression.

well, there's probably a lot more to be said, but I don't fell like talking about that now. So, maybe later, ... maybe

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