Love is such a curious thing

Recently, my mind has been on the topic of love, whether btw/ man and wife, BF and GF, parent & child, friends, or man and God. (There are probably more kinds, but I don't really feel like thinking all too much right now.)

Love is...patient, kind, etc. But it is also quite confusing. (Or rather, it can be quite confusing.)

So, here's how I see it right now:

Love is primarily about commitment. Yes, commitment. Not emotions, not attraction, not even money and other rewards that might come in a relationship. No, love at its core is all about being committed to someone else.

For instance, God loved us while we were still sinners. Why? Not because we were attractive to Him, not because we had something to offer Him, and most definitely not because God just randomly felt some emotion one day. No, rather, he is committed to His people, a theme which is repeated so many times all throughout the Bible, and a lot in the book of Isaiah (which is what I was reading today).

Similarly, our love for God is all about our being committed to Him. Our love is made manifest in our actions. If it is the case that we do not obey Him, then perhaps it is the case that we do not love Him. Contrariwise, if we love Him, then we will obey His commandments. (See 1 Jn 5:3 for this). I am not sure, but perhaps love for God is defined only by how we keep His commandments.

Of course, I do not keep God's commandments perfectly (not even close to perfect), and thus I do not love God perfectly. Yet He still loves me and remains committed to me. How incredible that truth is!

On a more human level, love between ppl is all about commitment too. Parents must stay committed to the relationship they have with their children if they are to love them. And vice versa. Same for friends too.

Now, this all gets quite confusing (at least for me) when it all gets down to BF/GF, husband/wife, eros love relationships. Here's what I mean:

Now there are a large number of members of the opposite sex that I know, but for now I shall only focus on two. One of them (call her A) I know really well. We talk about a lot of interesting and deep stuff about what's going on in each of our lives. Pretty cool gal.

And then there's another one (call her B) who I don't know quite as well, but still relatively well. We don't talk all too much, but we hang out kind of a lot.

And of course, to make things sucky, I find myself attracted to both of them, in different ways. I mean, I don't really consider A to be so very physically attractive, which is not to say that she is ugly but rather just very plain. On the other hand, B is relatively pretty.

And thus I step back and look at my relationships with both of them. And I ask myself, "Hypothetically, which one would you rather date?" (What can I say, I'm a teen...) Now, I would like to say A, but at the same time I would also like to say B. What does it all come down to in the end? Well, were I to date either, it would all have to come down to being committed to that relationship.

To go even further, marriage works like that too. I can't say too much more about that.

So, after all this, let me just pray that God will help me learn more about what it means to be committed to someone and to actually develop a deeper commitment btw me and Him and me and others.

I have more thoughts on love, maybe I'll write them later...

Yet another adventure into the "unbearable tediousness of being"...

Well, by now you should realize that I don't really write about happy things. Hmm, I'll have to work on that...

So, here I am once again, in the middle of a study session (again for EE40, like yesterday). And, again, I am beginning to feel overcome with all of the terrible pointlesness of it all.

(Oh, yeah, please forgive my last big post. It was just me rambling about a lot of things, with no real structure, or at least a very bad one. Hopefully I'll be clearer in this one.)

So, where do I stand? How am I?...

Well, I've begun looking at that entire thing I was talking about last time, about how I would rather not have to know ppl, how I would like to not need or desire intimacy. And, well, I now think that that's really important and one of the things that shapes who I am.

But why am I that way? Well, I suppose there are a few possible reasons:
1) I am a selfish punk.
2) I am uncomfortable about who I am.
3) I am uncomfortable with how other ppl are.
4) I would like to be totally self-sufficient. (perhaps an extension of 1)

and there are probably a bunch more. I really don't feel like analyzing all of this now, so I'll maybe get to it some other time.
----------------
So, here are some questions that I have been thinking about (not just recently, necessarily, but maybe for a while):
1) In our modern world, we still have the model of the Christian who goes out and really evangelizes in the community. However, what about some of the other models which have existed in the past? For instance, that of a monk or hermit? Do those exist today? If not, why not?
2) In Matthew 22, who is the man without wedding clothes supposed to represent?
3) How do I function in the body of Christ, the church, even with the problem mentioned above which I struggle with?
4) What am supposed to be doing? (concerning school and all else)
5) Do the parables about the treasure in the field and the pearl of great price really refer to how we should treasure God above all else, or does it mean otherwise?
6) What does it mean to love someone? I mean, we have descriptions of love all throughout the Bible (such as in 1 Cor 13), and we have a great deal of commands to love (such as in the whole book of 1 Jn). But what does it mean to love? Might we be wrong about our assumption that love requires a personal relationship between the two parties involved? I was thinking about the parable of the good Samaritan, and I realized that the samaritan did not know the wounded man in a personal way, and yet this is the explanation that jesus gives for what it means to love one's neighbor.
7) Why is it that I will complain about some stuff being pointless and accomplishing nothing (such as much of school) while I enjoy spending my time on other pointless activities which don't really accomplish anything (such as knitting)?
--------------------

A Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your continuing patience with me. I realize that I am lazy, stubborn, and self-seeking in many ways, but Lord, I would much rather be pleasing to you than to stay as I am. Lord, Father, please help me. I don't know why I am doing what I am doing, and I dont know what to do otherwise. Lord, please show me what you would have me to do that I might serve You and glorify You, and thus that I might experience the joy which is to be found only in you. Give me patience too.

In the name of Jesus,
Amen

----------------------------

oh, and i realize that not all of the stuff i wrote above might make complete sense. forgive me.

asking for help and advice...

Hello, all!
(or, to be all Pauline and stuff, "To the saints in berkeley and scattered elsewhere:
Grace and peace to you all!")

Well, I'm writing this at about 5 in the morning, when i should be studying for a physics midterm i have tomorrow (well, later today, technically). Before i get to the actual subject matter of this letter, please allow me to just describe where i am mentally at the moment.

I have been studying all day, almost, and i took a break a while ago to just get my thoughts clear on some stuff. I read through all of ecclesiastes earlier today, and of course doing so got my head turning about the meaning behind what i do. So, as I was studying for my midterm, i kept feeling a growing sense that what i was doing was completely pointless, or if not completely, then very close to being pointless.

Now, as i took this break, i just took some time to reflect on how i got into this situation. Not just of studying physics, but also of being a student here at berkeley, of being in a major that i felt wasn't the best way for me to glorify God. I thought about the entire leadership selection process from AACF, and I thought about stuff I've heard in church recently and read online in the Christian blogosphere.

And i reflected on what a horrible sinner i am, and how i feel so very useless. I looked at how i am held back by lust, pride, too much concern for how people see me, not enough concern for how ppl see me, and whatever else i had on my mind.

I thought about how people left and right are trying to tell me what i should be or what i would be good at. Ppl telling me i should be a dentist, an engineer, a cook, a pastor, a teacher, whatever.

And, so i prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And this wasn't one of those stuck up, fake prayer either. I was trying to be completely honest before God and before myself. I swear, i almost cried a few times, but i didn't, since i knew that the tears would have been fake, with me just trying to make myself seem more broken before the one who i cannot fool.

and i asked God, what should i do? What am i supposed to do about major, future career, and even the everyday life. And instantly i had one word just pop into my head: evangelize.

And i thought about my failure to evangelize currently, and my previous attempts at really evangelizing.

Now, i think i've talked with many of you who are now reading this about my previous thoughts about evangelism, and I'm sure that not a small number of you know of my previous, singular attempt to do open air "screaming your head off at sproul" evangelism.

And, as i prayed more and more, i realized that i really enjoyed and relished that experience, of being the freak screaming in sproul. And i realized that that was something that really fit my personality, my tendency to do strange things and be different, to go against the flow.

I thought about how ppl say i should become a pastor because i know a lot of stuff, and how i always respond by saying that i don't see myself as being morally good enough to be a pastor and thus a big role model, how i say i couldn't be a very good leader. But i also thought about how i really like to teach people about Christianity and about the gospel, even though there are times when i get overly intellectual with it.

i thought about how i wanted to help people, and how i wanted to find a purpose in what i did.

And somehow, it all kept coming back to that one time of open air evangelism.

So, there i was, staring at this big, monstrous thing. I thought about how i am a loud individual, or at least talkative at times (although i would probably call myself a shy person). I thought about how i like to teach. i thought about how i know a heckuva lot of stuff, perhaps sometimes too much for my own good. I thought about how i wanted purpose and some way to really serve God.

and one image: screaming my head off in sproul, looking like a complete fool, talking about finding purpose in life and how it only comes in serving God, and how we are only enabled to do so through Jesus by grace. Being sick, tired, profoundly self-conscious about how stupid i looked. How no one really seemed to listen, except ppl i knew and christians who thought i might be bringling shame to the name of christ. How i talked about it with others afterwards and had to fight really hard to not get all proud and stuff.

And i looked at that image and i thought, i want to do that again.

So, here i am, asking all of you who are reading this, for your help and advice.

First, your advice: what do you think? is open air evangelism effective, especially in the culture we live in, which is magnified to the point of absurdity here in berkeley? Do people really listen? Does open air really bring glory to God, or might it bring shame to His name? and should i try it again?

Now, i think you guys really know me. You know how i can be full of crap, utter crap, at times, and you know how i can be honest about the stuff i am goin gthrough. You know about how i have been feeling , what i have been going through, etc. So, i really would like to know what you guys think.

Also, i ask for your help. in hebrews 10:24-25, it says "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near."

So i pray, please replay to me. Email me, IM me, talk with me, whatever. Just please encourage me to do what is right in this case. And please help me to figure out what is right. (actually, please encourage me to do right in all cases and in all things!)

and, maybe, if i do decide to do this, if you would like to help, tell me that too!

ok, that's it for now.

-pons

(btw, sorry for any spelling mistakes)