Thoughts I have while I should be doing homework

Well, here I am again, at a computer workstation in Moffitt. Again, I should be doing homework, but... I don't really feel like it, so here I am, writing this instead.

So, what's been going on? Let's see... Well, lots of things, but I don't know how effective I can be in communicating my thoughts. But, let's see how well I do anyway.

...

So, in this past week, I have spoken both to Pastor Allan and to Dave Fong about some of the stuff I have been going through and feeling, and ... well, I don't know if doing so has really helped. I mean, doing so didn't make things worse, or so I hope, but I am still dealing with the same thoughts, concerns, fears, nd other issues that I was before. Of course, in talking with them, I was able to get some better insight into some of the problems, or so I think. Then again, I find myself questioning whether or not some of the insights I think I have had are in fact mere B.S. Maybe I am totally not understanding what is going on, and am trying to answer issues that I just don't understand.

For instance, take one of the insights I think I have had: People say to be yourself around others, and to not worry about impressing other people in what you say and do. However, when I look at myself, it seems like I always put on façade whenever I am around other people; I am always masquerading before others. So, of course, many would say that I should just stop doing that and be me. But, here's the thing: I have to force myself to be social, to go out and interact with people. Normally, I am the kind of guy who would just go and be alone with a good book (or even a mediocre or bd book) for hours on end. I find it difficult normally to be that person and to go out and be social. So, in forcing myself to be social, I have to force myself to put on another character. This new character has to be unique, so that I have some identity among others. Of course, this new character can't be something that has no correlation to the real me, so there is some similarity, some connection between the character and the inner me. In some cases, that resultes in a character with a deep interest in theology, for instance. Other times, I might make myself out to be a loudmouth (with a slight southern accent; I find myself often playing this character at CityMinistries); other times, I look like a overly pensive, depressed figure (this one seems to show up a lot here, on my blog). Of course, in reality, I don't know as much about theology and philosophy as I make myself seem to know; it may even be the case that I don't really like theology as much as others think I do. But, here I am, stuck with acting out that persona, or some other persona, or else I end up just not being social.

So, is this a bunch of BS? Am I totally not understanding myself? Or am I right about this situation; and if so, why am I stuck in a mentality most people seemingly left behind in junior high or high school?

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On that note, I am no good at having friends and being a friend. Experience seems to indicate this, for friendships just seem to dissolve and go away (For instance, look at previous friends from Alma Heights, Terra Nova, ABSK/BBC, and various clubs and classes, and various individuals, like Katherine Lew (RIP), "Person A," and Malcolm (RIP).). So, as I look at the relationships I have now, it seems inevitable that these will go away too, just because I lack the skill of maintaining relationships.

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Of course, I find myself questioning the validity of the idea of the "personal relationship," or at least the image of such relationships that is portrayed in our society. As I look at the subject, I note that most societies throughout histopry and even most of those existing today are not individual-focused, but rather are group-oriented. Indeed, on some level, we in western, American society are too. I don't know if I would be able to really go into a lot of detail about such things, just because I don't know so very much about such topics.

However, this should greatly affect the way Christians do religion. The entire "personal relationship with Jesus" hermeneutic, where the idea of "Jesus is your buddy!" is to be found on every page of the Word, just isn't valid, because the culture in which the Bible was written did not think in these ways. Indeed, if we really look at this matter, much of the way we understand God as our "Father in Heaven" may also be flawed, since familial and paternal relationships in the ancient Near East (ANE) are so very different from the relationships we have today in our western society. I could talk a little more about this subject at some later point, but if you want to understand more about the mindset of people of ANE culture, look into the works of Bruce Malina, or, if you don't want to get lost in those intellectual works, read some of the commentary on ANE life and culture from JP Holding at Tektonics.org

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On the subject of religion and of relating to God, I visited an (Eastern) Orthodox Church for the first time today. Of course, I have been in a Divine Liturgy before, over at the OCF in Berkeley, but this is the first time going to a church. The church I went to was St John the Evangelist (Antiochian) Orthodox church of Orinda, and it was quite lovely.

One thing I find myself thinking about a lot is how beauty seems to permeate Orthodox worship, in contrast to the growth of consumer-culture in Evangelical churches. When you worship in an Evangelical church, the songs are usually of the bouncy, clappy, "I love Jesus! I am so happy!" type, which isn't necessarily bad, but there is too much of a focus on the individual in such worship services; consider, for example, how someone like me should fit into such a service, I who have a hard time loving Christ (and even have a hard time understanding what love is) and who am often not very happy with life. On the other hand, in older, more traditional churches, like some "Good Ole Suth'n Baptist" churches, I can honestly sing the hymns, but sometimes the music is stale and unappetizing. In contrast, Orthodox worship is, in a word, awe-ful (that is, ful of Awe, not awful.), or, perhaps, awe-inspiring. Beauty permeates the whole thing, and, if one can get past any fundamentalist evangelical tendencies to think of the praxes of the Orthodox church as being mindless repetition and foul ritualism, due to its similarity to Roman Catholic praxes and the historical relationship between Protestants and Roman Catholics, then one finds one's self surrounded by beauty as a fish is by water.

Of course, I still do not call myself an member of the Eastern Orthodox church, because of some isues I have. Sure, there are some theological issues, but, mostly, I deal with thoughts of relationships to people (see the above rant on my Junior High mentality). For instance, how would becoming Eastern Orthodox affect my relationships with the friends I do have right now, or with my family, considering how Orthodox praxes and beliefs resemble Catholic praxes and beliefs, and how would I fit into an Eastern Orthodox church, given that (1) I am not very good at being social and developing relationships, and (2) Orthodox churches and culture is very ethniccally-focused, whether the people be Greek, Russian, Arab, or whatever else, and, to be frank, I am not Greek, Russian, Arab, etc., but rather am Asian, and thus would stick out like a durian hanging off of an olive tree.

And, again, there are some theological issues, but I don't feel like writing about those at the moment, but maybe I will at some future point in time.

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I really should be working on homework right now, so I'll try to end this soon...

Well, since I am on the topic of school I still have no idea why I am doing school. I mean, I don't see anything I am doing here as a student as being particularly important, so I find myself quite indifferent or apathetic concerning school matters. Of course, there are other things I value as I am here in Berkeley, such as being able to develop friendships in AACF (weak though they may be), and being in such an intellectual and spiritual environment, where I am able to study such things as Eastern Orthodoxy. But, school itself is relatively useless in my eyes, or at least the school stuff I am doing right now.

[
People ask me what I enjoy, what I would like to do. And, I have noticed, as have many others, that I seem to like religious matters a lot. So, many have suggested that I look into seminary or something else of that nature, and the thought has crossed my mind as well. Of course, there are a few problems. First, there is the matter of not knowing exactly what I believe right now, as I look Orthodoxy (and into some other branches of Christianity). Second, there is the matter of not knowing if I could actually be of use if I were to get such an education. I mean, I don't really know if I would be good in a religious vocation, since, again, I am not too good at developing relationships, and many would say that the relationships one builds as a pastor, priest, whatever, are important, and also since I have a hard time making use of my religious knowledge right now, and thus not knowing if it would be useful later on.
]

So, here I am, stuck at school, doing things without really caring or knowing why these are important, and not knowing where i am going with all of this.

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Well, on that happy note, I should go do homework now. So, tata for now, and may God have mercy on us all.

Yay! Fruit and the One Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church!

My other name

So, I have a subscription to the SF Chronicle. I was looking at the name they have my account under, and I see...

Doris Malesum.

Hmm... oooooookkkkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy...?

That is one crazy way to misspell my name. I mean, what the heck: "Doris"? and don't even get me started on "Malesum".

I think that would be a really crappy last name in real life. (Hopefully no Malesums will ever find this and get angry.)

So, good job Chronicle. Great way to really screw up.

This is me...

While listening to Ancient Faith Radio, I heard this quote from St. Ephraim the Syrian, and... well, it's totally me, plain and simple. I don't know what else to say...

How To Scrutinize and Reproach Yourself

After having gained knowledge of the truth, I have become a brawler and an offender. I argue over trifles; I have become envious of and callous toward my neighbor, merciless toward beggars, wrathful, argumentative, obstinate, slothful, irritable. I harbor vile thoughts, I love fancy clothing. And to this day I have many corrupt thoughts and fits of selfishness, gluttony, sensuality, vainglory, arrogance, lust, gossiping, breaking of fasts, despondency, rivalry, and indignation.

I am worthless, but think much of myself. I lie constantly, but get angry with liars. I defile the temple of my body with wanton thoughts, but sternly judge the wanton. I condemn those who fall, but myself fall constantly. I condemn slanderers and thieves, but am myself both a thief and a slanderer. I walk with a bright countenance, although I am altogether impure.

In churches and at banquets I always want to take the place of honor. I see hermits and act dignified; I see monks and I become pompous. I strive to appear pleasing to women, dignified to strangers, intelligent and reasonable to my neighbors, superior to intellectuals. With the righteous I act as if I possess vast wisdom; the unintelligent I disdain as illiterates.

If I am offended, I take revenge. If I am honored, I shun those who honor me. If someone demands of me what is rightfully his, I start a suit. And those who tell me the truth I consider enemies. When my error is exposed, I get angry, but I am not so dissatisfied when people flatter me.

I do not want to honor those who are worthy but I myself, who am unworthy, demand honor. I do not want to tire myself with work, but if someone fails to serve me I get angry with him. I do not want to walk among laborers, but if someone fails to help me in my work I slander him.

I arrogantly deny my brother when he is in need, but when I have need of something, I turn to him. I hate those who are ill, but when I myself am ill I wish that everyone would love me. I do not want to know those who are higher than I, and I scorn those who are lower.

If I abstain from indulging my foolish desires, I praise myself vaingloriously. If I succeed in vigilance, I fall into the snares of conceit and contradiction. If I refrain from eating, I drown in pride and arrogance. If I am wakeful in prayer, I am vanquished by irritability and wrath. If I see virtue in someone, I studiously ignore him.

I have scorned worldly pleasures, but do not abandon my vain desire for them. If I see a woman, I go into raptures. To all appearances I am wise in humility, but in my soul I am haughty. I seem not to be acquisitive, but in reality I suffer from a mania for possessions. And what good is it to dwell on such things? I appear to have forsaken the world, but in fact I still think about worldly things all the time.

During services I always occupy myself with conversations, wandering thoughts, and vain recollections. During meals I indulge in idle chatter. I yearn for gifts. I participate in the sinful falls of others and engage in ruinous rivalry.

Such is my life! With what vileness do I obstruct my own salvation! And my arrogance, my vainglory does not permit me to think about my sores that I might cure myself. Behold my virtuous feats! See how vast are the regiments of sins which the enemy sends to campaign against me! Yet in the face of all this, I who am wretched endeavor to boast of sanctity. I live in sin, but want others to honor me as a righteous man.

In all this I have but one thing to say in my defense: the devil has ensnared me. But this did not suffice to absolve Adam of his sin. Cain was of course also prompted by the devil, but he did not escape condemnation either. What shall I do if the Lord comes to me? I have no means to justify my negligence.

I fear that I shall be numbered among those whom Paul called vessels of wrath, who will share the devil's fate and whom God, because of their contempt for Him, has committed to the passions of degradation. Thus there is the danger that I will be sentenced to the same fate.

If You would save me, who am unworthy, O Merciful Lord, vouchsafe me, a sinner, repentance; enliven my soul deadened by sins, O Giver of Life. Drive out the stony hardness that is in my miserable heart and grant me a fountain of contrition, O You who poured forth life to us from Your life-creating rib.

- St Ephraim The Syrian
#55, from A Spiritual Psalter

Two things:

Intellectual, theological:
I was walking through B&N today, and, while browsing the religion section, I came across a copy of "Good As New," a modern paraphrase of the New Testament. Of course, it has all those problems that evangelicals will jump all over, like not being a direct translation, etc. However, what really jumped out at me was the fact that they excluded some books, such as Revelation, 2 Peter, and Titus, and included the gospel of Thomas. Now, upon realizing this, I first became angry. I mean, how can you exclude the book of Revelation from the NT? But, as I thought about it, I realized that this was, sort of, a result of the idea of Sola Scriptura. I mean, if you deny that Christians of the Early Church have any authority, or if you deny the authority of the Councils, then you have no basis to say "This book should be in the Bible, and this one shouldn't." I mean, what most evangelicals would say is that the early church all agreed that these books were written by the apostles and thus we can trust that they are reliable. Well, this is WRONG. There were a number of books that we now have included in our NT whose authenticity were highly debated, such as Revelation and James and 2Peter. On the other hand, if we are to use the argument given above, the available data seems to indicate that all the early Christians believed that worship should be done liturgically, so a lot of christians today are doing worship wrong...

I dunno, just some things to think about...

Emotional, spiritual:
(After writing all that I just wrote in the above one, I am tired and want to go to sleep, so this one won't be so long...)
Can one have assurance of salvation? My faith is weak, my doubts are many; my mind is weak, my questions are many; and God is Holy, and I am evil. I have a hard time believing that God loves me. I mean, I know that the Bible says God is love, but the question I have is what that "love" means. Is it at all like how I understand love?
I suppose that if one has the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete, one can know that one is Christian. however, how does one know that one has the Spirit? B/c, if I look at the fruits of the Spirit, I don't know if I have love, I don't know what joy is, I don't know what peace is, I am not very patient, I am a mean jerk, I am evil, and I am selfish. Also, if one has the Spirit, one knows that the spirit guides him to understand the tings of God, but how can one know that he has the Spirit?
I fall in and out of love with God, in my struggles with sin. When I sin, I want to repentand be forgiven, but I don't know if I can honestly say I really want to turn from my sin.
To be honest, I need grace. But, God gives grace to the humble and opposes the proud, and I am full of pride. Will God have grace on me to help me through these things? I don't know.

I know there isn't much structure to what I just said, and I don't know how coherent I am. But, as for now, I am going to sleep. Good night, and may God be gracious and merciful to us all...

Some thoughts

Well, I'm supposed to be studying for a midterm I have in about 8.5 hours, but my mind is wandering all over, and some of these thoughts are quite interesting.

As I study, I have my mind considering all sorts of theological concerns. Of course, I am still looking at Eastern Orthodoxy, and some other stuff, and these things are on my mind, but for the time being, my mind's focus was elsewhere.

I was having a talk with Natalie a few days ago, just discussing some of my thoughts and the situations and feelings that I have been going through recently, and the something like the following was said:

Me: "..., and, well, you know how I have theology as one of my hobbies..."
Nat: "That's not quite true. Theology is more than just a hobby for you. It's more like... some sore part of who you are."

As I have been looking back at the conversation we had, this is one of the things that really sticks out in my head.

I mean, I can't deny it. It's absolutely true: concerns over philosophy and theology drive me. It's what I spend most of my time reading about and looking at in my spare time. Heck, even in my non-spare time, I have such thoughts running all around in my head. In class, while walking around the Berkeley campus or the city, while doing the various activities of life, my thoughts are often on theology and philosophy.

Despite this, it's not like I have very many answers to my questions. Quite the opposite: looking at this stuff just brings me to more questions.

Anyway, as I was studying earlier, I kept having another thought pop up into my head: Why am I doing all this? Why the heck am I studying CogSci stuff for this midterm tomorrow? I mean, while it is interesting, I don't really see myself going into a job that relates to this stuff. It seems like I am just studying it right now for no reason, other than perhaps to get a good grade tomorrow.

And, as I think about a lot of the stuff related to this, not very much of it seems very helpful to people. I mean, I suppose I could go into teaching, or something, but I don't know if I would be any good at that.

So, I was thinking about how I don't really know why I am doing this, and how I don't really have any idea where this is all going. I have no idea about what I am gonna end up doing for a job, nor even what I want to do for a job.

People say, do something you enjoy. Do something that you would be happy doing for the rest of your life.

And, I thought, "Hey, I like studying theology! Could I do anything with that?"

But, as i thought about it more, I wondered if doing something with theology could be helpful to other people. I mean, to help people with theology and stuff, I would have to relate to other people.

Now, I really suck at interacting with other people and developing good relationships. I am not so good at making strong friendships, as is shown in that I totally lost contact wiht most of my "close" friends in high school about two or three weeks after graduation. Even the ones I still do have contact with, I don't know how to relate to them at all.

I'm no good at developing relationships with other people. I am a failure at relating both to males and to females; to Filipinos, Chinese, Whites, and whoever else; to Evangelicals and to other flavours of Christians, and to non-Christians; and to any other souls under the sun.

I constantly find that, to any group I find myself around, I end up being "xenos," an outsider, whether it's because of the group, or because of the way I am. As I think about it more and more, I think my personality is built so that, even when not consciously trying to not fit in, I subconsciously act in such a way as to be different from others.

So, if I am around a lot of people who like "white people" music, like in 7th grade, I get interested in rap and hip-hop; if I am around people who like rap and hiphop, like in 8th grade and high school, I get into other types of music, like CCM. if I am around a lot of slackers, like at Terra Nova, I become Mr. Super-Student. On the other hand, if I am around a lot of very smart, studious people, like at Berkeley, I end up as a slacker. If I am around a lot of (religious) laymen, I get very interested in Theology and Philosophy; However, I suppose that, if I were surrounded by a lot of people very interested in theology, I would come to like other things. I can make myself stand out in a group of people as a very social individual, while if I am alone with a few people, I become someone else entirely.

Some people say that your character is defined as who you are when there is nobody around. If this is true, then I am nothing but a lying, lazy, arrogant, and pretentious pervert who deals with rage issues, depression, and antisocial tendencies, along with a whole lot of other personality problems.

So, as I look at it, I don't see any couse of action as being particulatly useful, I don't see anything I like as being particularly useful (Not to mention that I have a hard time believing that anything in which I could find even a little hope of relatively lasting happiness could ever happen.), and, when I really look at it, I seem to be really useless too.

And, to think, all this stuff that I just wrote came out of me when I wasn't really in a depressed state! Now, that's depressing!

My psychological type

I took an online test about psychological types. Evidently, I'm an INTP. I'll have to take more tests to see if this is consistent.