Small Group - Filipino food night...

So, we had small group again tonight. For dinner, I made a whole lot of filipino food, including adobong manok, monggo, and halo-halo. Here are some pics:

Lumpia being cooked


Lumpia cooling down


Me enjoying lumpia


adobong manok (chicken adobo)


monggo stew (I needed some gulay in the meal...)


a pile of lumpia


sawsawang kamatis (tomatoes with mango and stuff)


food on the table


monggo and adobo


mmm lots of food


Enjoying the food 1


Enjoying the food 2 (look at me pigging out in the background)


Oh, I think I forgot to take pictures of us playing with the ice shaver and making halohalo. Oh well.

See mom! I can cook filipino food!

Small groups again....

Well, we had small group leaders' meeting tonite again, and, to be real, I found myself depressed for a lot of the discussion we had.

I realize, I don't know if I believe in the Christian's "joy" in the same way as we described it. I mean, I just have a hard time thinking of joy as .... i dunno.

For me, as I look at Paul talking about contentedness and joy, I really want to just think of it as I find myself right now:

I find that life really sucks. I mean, sure, God has given me lots of enjoyable stuff in this life; I would be a liar if I denied this. However, I can't really get myself to be happy about these things. I do recognize that they make me happy for a short while, but again and again, I get sad and depressed again. But, despite this, I am "content" in the sense that I don't really expect much better or anything; I recognize that life will continue to be difficult and tiresome, no matter what I do. So, I find my "joy," my only lasting happiness, in the fact that, one day, this will all be over; I will be in heaven, with God, with no pain, no suffering, just happiness and being with God forever and ever, and getting to know him in a way I can't right now while I still live. But, until then, I will work, I will strive, in order that i may serve God and please Him as I seek to be a blessing to others. Not that I am earning my salvation, but rather that I am working out my salvation "with fear and trembling," and trying to be loyal to Him, to be pleasing to Him.

I have a really hard time trying to understand why I should be thankful to God sometimes. I mean, yeah, He gives me all these great things in life, but they don't bring fulfillment or satisfaction that lasts. They come, then go, and they leave me frustrated. And, concerning Him providing me with health and food and whatever, .. well, like I have said many times, the one thing I look forward to most is my pasing away from this life and this world and living in the next. So, it seems like God is only keeping me from something better, although it must be recognized that these things make my time here a little more bearable.

I dunno. I don't want to sond like a whiny complainer, but.. ehh.

God, please be glorified in me. If it is at all possible, please help me to be happy too, but, as always, may your will be done in me. Please continue to sustain me as I try my best to serve you, but I also pray that you would take me to be with you soon. Again, be glorified and pleased in me. In Jesus' name, AMEN

Concerning Orthodoxy...

You know, part of me would really like to believe in Eastern Orthodox Christianity. It just seems like they have answers to so many of the questions I have, questions that lead me to being overly philosophical, or to frustration, or to whatever else.

But, even still, I am not sure if they are right... There are some things that I need to know more about, both concerning Protestantism and Orthodoxy

Also, a smaller part of me looks to Lutheranism...

And, as I think about it, I think the biggest thing that would keep me from going away from Protestantism is the fact that I am pretty comfortable where I am now. I mean, I know how it all works. I have a bunch of friends and all that in the church and fellowship I am in. To leave would mean that I would have to make all new friends, to learn how everything works all over again.

...

You know, what I really wish I could have right now is someone who knows me really well and who is informed concerning Protestant doctrine and theology. (If I could find someone who knows Orthodox doctrine too, even better!) Unfortunately, all the people who would fit into that category are either not talking to me, or are not in Berkeley right now, or not in America right now.

...

God, I would really like some answers right now. But, even if I don't find answers to the questions and the problems I see, I pray that you would guide my decisions and my path, that I might glorify you in everything. Lord, i need your strength, and discernment from you. Please.

In Jesus' Name, AMEN.

What I'm Listening to...

This is an Eastern Orthodox online radio station. Lots of liturgical music and other stuff too. If you need something to listen to to help calm you down or help you focus, this is good for you.

In other (but related news), I'm again looking into the beliefs of the Eastern Orthodox. Interesting stuff, this all is.

Lord, I realize that I complain a lot. I have a hard time following you, because I see all this as only hard and painful. I see many pleasures I lose in following you, and few that I gain.

But, Father, the problem is not with my circumstances. No, the problem lies within, in me, in my attitude. Please help me, Lord, to change my attitude, so that I mght be able to really take joy in all the ways You have blessed me, and to find joy in serving you faithfully.

Because, as I try to follow you now, I find myself with no hope for today, but hope only in tomorrow. I do not see this life as being enjoyable, but I see the infinite beauty and joy that will come in the next life. Lord, I don't know how this is to all work, but I pray that you would grant me a joy in this life here.

Please.

In Jesus' Name, AMEN

My Schedule next sem

SCHEDULE	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri
930		ENGL:R1B LEC:006 103 WHEELER		ENGL:R1B LEC:006 103 WHEELER		930
1000	CogSci:C100 LEC 105 NORTH GATE		CogSci:C100 LEC 105 NORTH GATE		CogSci:C100 LEC 105 NORTH GATE	1000
1030						1030
1100						1100
1130						1130
1200			CogSci:C100 DIS :103 2235 TOLMAN			1200
1230		CS:188 LEC 10 EVANS		CS:188 LEC 10 EVANS		1230
1300			CS:170 DIS :104 4 EVANS			1300
1330						1330
1400			CS:188 DIS :106 87 EVANS			1400
1430						1430
1500	CS:170 LEC 2050 VALLEY LSB		CS:170 LEC 2050 VALLEY LSB		CS:170 LEC 2050 VALLEY LSB	1500
1530						1530

Actually, I'm on the waitlist for CogSci100... Hopefully I get in...

As You can see, Wednesdays really suck this next sem...

Quick thoughts

I was thinking, in the few minutes since I wrote the short previous entry, about something I have said before.

In the previous entry, I mentioned how the love between parent and child helps the parent learn to be more selfless. I suupse that means that the love of the parent towards the child gives the life of the parent meaning and purpose.

Now, I think I mentioned in a previous post that I think that my life would have meaning if I had a kid. I would live to help the child grow in his love for God and for others.

Now, I mut ask myself: should it not be the case that my life has purpose now, in that I should live to help all those with whom I come in contact to love God and others. Should I not strive to help my friends grow, my brothers grow, my parents grow, my pastor grow, etc?

But, to be real honest, I look at that, and I'm not sure if I am capable of that. In my weakness, I will fail someone sometime. I just pray that, in that time, God would continue to give me grace for Jesus' sake.

But, I need to consider this more. But, more than that, I need God to come and guide me as I live my life.

God, please guide me. Help me to live my lofe in love for others so that they might come to love you more. Please glorify yourself through me. In Jesus' Name, Amen

----------------------

Another quick thought:

I realize that, sometimes, I get caught up over sin in my life for the wrong reasons. I mean, at times, I see the sin as being dishonoring to God, but I see it as being dishonoring primarily because it makes those ppl around me think bad about God and Christians.

Now, this is true, but I believe I must come to see sin as being dishonoring to God primarily because it goes against His will. See, the problem is that I now sometimes place the weight of the wrongness of sin on others, while I need to focus on how they are wrong because of who God is.

God, help me change, for Jesus' sake. Amen

Interesting Thought on Love...

As I think about it, as I look at the types of love which take place between humans, there seems to be an order of loves. Some loves seem more important, and some loves seem to depend on other loves.

I think the most important love (on a human level) is the love between a parent and a child. It is this love that prepares the child for all other loves that they will experience in their lives. If a child is not properly loved by its parents or does not love its parents properly, that person will find it difficult to engage in all the other types of love that he/she will come across, including friendship love, romantic love, and, when the time comes, the love towards his/her own children. On the other hand, if the child experiences love and participates in the love in the parent/child relationship, it will be enabled to better love others in all sorts of love relationships.

Also, parent/child love works in the life of the parent, bringing him/her to being selfless in his/her actions. Their life becomes dedicated to the well-being and growth of the child, and they find their happiness greatly dependent upon the well-being and proper growth of the child. So, the parent experiences growth as well, and is made more capable of other types of love by the love for the child.

Now, of course, even though this kind of love is the most important, it is dependent on other types of love. For example, the success of love in the parent/child relationship can depend greatly on the relationship between the two parents. If they love one another, then they are both better enabled to love the child, and the child to love them. There are more, but I do not feel like thinking of them right now.

[At this time, I would like to make a quick parenthesis and say thank you to my parents: Thank you guys for being faithful to God and to one another and to me in your love for me. Thank you for your grace, for I recognize that I have not always been the best son. I know I don't say it often enough, but thank you guys a whole lot, and, from the bottom of my heart, I love you. Please continue on in hope and perseverance as you continue to raise my younger brothers. I will try to honor you, Mom and Dad, as I work to live with love for those around me, whether friends, or my (hopefully) someday wife and children. Again, I love you!]

Of course, all the types of love between humans are greatly dependent upon a love for God. Love for God gives depth and meaning to all the other types of love, for He is Love, and in Him do we find the most perfect example of what love looks like. In Christ is love perfected and revealed to us. And, we are able to love and find reason to love, because God loves us.

Thus, above all else, love for God must be developed and cherished, because it is the foundation and the essence of all other loves.

----------------

Lord, help me to love you more as I try to live my life. May the amazing truth of your love be underneath, supporting all my other loves as a foundation, and far above, for it is far greater than any love that I can show and is worthy of honor, glory, and praise.

God, please let your love be reflected in my love for all those around me. Please work in me and through me that others who come in contact with me might experience your awesome love, and that they might come to love you more, for you are worthy of all our love.

Again, please let love be the defining quality in my life, as I try to love you and love others, to your glory.

I pray all these things in Jesus' Name, AMEN

A realization...

I think too freaking much. Let me be real right now: I am physically tired from thinking too much today. I have had trouble paying attention, trouble thinking about my plans for the day, even trouble breathing. This stuff is really wearing me out.

But, then again, I am pretty sure that all the stuff I have in my mind is important and "thought-worthy." And they are all things in Phil 4: true, noble, right, etc. At least, as far as I can tell.

So, I continue to mentally wear myself out, which leads to physical weariness.

You know, I am reminded of the passage in Philippians 3, where it says "being like Christ in his death." A lot of the stuff I am going through feels like suffering, but I endure these things in order that I may do what pleases God and that I may bring glory to Him. And Christ endured these things.

See also Heb 12.

1Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

A Father's Discipline

4You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;

5and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,
"MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,
NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
6FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES,
AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."

7It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

8But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.

9Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?

10For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.

11All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

--------------------------

God, this is all so very hard and tiring, but I trust that you will help me to grow deeper in love with you as a result of all this. May these hardships and sufferings be helpful to me. And, God, I really hope you don't let me down. I am trying to lean on you as much as I can, but.. its really hard. I don't know what I am doing, so please guide my steps and my path. Be glorified and pleased in me.
In Jesus' Name, AMEN

Yay! the latest issue of Knitty is about guys who knit!

How do we increase faith? Becuse, I realize that my faith is pretty weak. There are so many areas that I find myself not trusting in God and being loyal to God.

Is there anything that we can do to increase faith?

To be honest, I need faith. and I need humility. because those are the two things that the Bible mentions that the Lord will respond to with grace. And I need grace.

So, I will turn to the cross. I will look to Jesus, and all that he did, in prayer that God would develop in me a greater faith.

Lord, please help me. Increase my faith, please. In Jesus' Name, Amen

I'm tired... No, really!

I am starting to think that perhaps I think way too much. I mean, I really feel tired right now, and I haven't done anything hard all day. However, I have been thinking and philosophizing about a whole lot of stuff, so maybe my state of being tired comes as a result of that.

Or then again, maybe it was eating all those little hamburgers we had in small group. mmm hamburgers.

Interesting Essay

Read This. And my friend's thoughts on it. I agree with most of what the author says on this topic. Not that I can do anything to change the way our society works. Too bad.

Ok, some problems...

I've been thinking about the "solution" I discovered the other day.

In case you didn't read it, my question is, "Why should Christians continue to live their lives, as opposed to just ending life and being with God in Heaven?"

And the answer I came up with was "Because True Christians are those who persevere until the end. Those who do not persevere in this life will not be saved. And, to just kill one's self is to stop having hope in God, to stop persevering."

But, here are some more thoughts and problems:
- Ok, I still think life is filled with misery and pain and suffering. And, now all I know is that i need to suffer and have pain and be miserable through this life, or else I will go to hell.
- Hmm, I said that to commit suicide reveals a lack of faith in God, and thus one who commits suicide will not be saved. But, couldn't this be said of any other sin? Couldn't coveting, lust, hatred (as murder), and all that also be looked at in the same way? I'm not saying that one could lose one's salvation because of some sin. Instead, every sin can reveal that one lacks faith, and thus that one is not a Christian.

I am beginning to see why Catholic folks have the entire confession of sins as so very important.

Hmm, and whatever happened to grace? Was I right about misunderstanding grace? (See here.)

Man, more and more questions.

God, please help me. I want to be in heaven with you, but I am so very confused.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

A good idea

This is a brilliant idea. Bible maps meets google maps.

http://www.esv.org/blog/2005/07/bible.google.maps

Hmm... bothersome name misspellings

Often, PPl mis-spell my name "ponce." I just found out that, in England, the word for what we in America call a 'pimp' is 'ponce.' See! (scroll down a little bit on that webpage) So, if I were to go to England, and someone misspelled my name, or just misheard my name, they would think I was a pimp.

Well, hmm... ok...?

yay! An Answer!!!

Ok, I think I have an answer to this question.

In one word, Perseverance. I also have an interesting study that I made on the topic of faith. Maybe I'll post it online sometime.

In order to get that crown of glory and be with God, I need to continue on with my life, trusting Him, until he brings me to the end of my race.

Without trust, without faith, I shall not be saved.

Thank you, dear Lord, for giving me an answer to this question. Please help me to live my life so that it is pleasing to you. Help me to live my life such that I will come to know Christ more and more, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to Him in His death. in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. And, Lord, I pray, please continue to bless me with your mercy and grace through the work of Jesus on the cross.

Again, be glorified and pleased in me.
In Jesus' Name and For His sake,
AMEN

Philosophizing...

So, recently, I have been having thoughts on happiness and the basis for morality.

And, I don't know what to make of all this.

If one is Christian, why be good? Why continue living your life when you know that heaven is one gunshot, one knife cut away? Why?

How does the individual benefit in any way from doing this? Does he gain something in this life by continuing to live it? Well, if there is, then I don't see it. Does he gain something from God in heaven? Well, then, there is a serious misunderstanding of salvation by 'grace'.

People commonly understand salvation by grace to be a state where a person's outcome is completely independent of their actions, but rather is dependent on the will of God. Now, what if this is all incorrect?

If I am reading all of this right, the only reason I have to live out my life is because I need to suffer like Jesus did in order to get to heaven and experience good things. Not that I am earning my salvation, although it seems that way. No, rather, I am simply doing the actions that God will bless.

It isn't that these actions somehow make me "deserve" good things. There is no such thing as "deserving" good things, even here on earth. Even if a child obeys their parents doesn't mean they "deserve" to be given food or anything. No, for the child doesn't "deserve" anything. The parents are completely free to ignore their child and let the kid starve. There is no (earthly) reason for them to do anything. Of course, the parents might treat their child good in the hope that the child will one day take care of them in their old age.

Now, if people do bad, then they truly do "deserve" punishment. This I believe to be true. I don't know why it is true, but I think it is true.

In another example, a monkey in a laboratory might do all that the scientists want him to do without giving them a hassle. Now, does he "deserve" a banana? No, he doesn't deserve anything. The scientists, though, are free to give him a banana, if they want. And their desires are controlled by what they see as leading to the best outcome for themselves.

All this stuff is really tricky.

...

here are some things to think about:

1) Why shouldn't a Christian just kill himself, if his outcome is completely independent of his actions?

2) Suppose there is a Christian. Now, suppose also that humanity knows the exact chemicals that produce feelings of happiness in the brain. And, also, suppose that this chemical can be caused in the brain by the consumption of a certain substance, let's call it "soma." Now, suppose that this substance is freely available to everyone at no cost. What reasons would there be for not using the substance? Why should a Christian not use the substance, if his outcome is independent of his actions?

Some might argue that a person shouldn't consume soma because they will become addicted. Well, what's the problem with being addicted if it is always available.

Some might argue that consuming it might cause problems with one's health. Well, that wasn't specified, for one thing. But, let's assume that that is true, that it does cause problems with one's health. Well, what's the problem with that? If you're gonna say that it will lead to unhappiness in their lives, well, then, they could just take more soma and be happy again. No problem. Well, maybe it will cause unhappiness in other people's lives. Well, they can take soma too.

And, what if it makes God unhappy? Well, salvation is "by grace alone", right?

Now, now, I know what you are saying. You are gonna point out Romans 6, where it says talks about why Christians under grace should not live in sin.

Well, why not, if salvation will come or not come independent of one's actions.

But, wait, what is this? In Romans 6:5, we read "If we have been united with [Christ] in his death, we will also be united with him in his resurrection."

So, we need to live lives that reflect Christ's death in order to attain to the resurrection that he offers. If we don't live our lives in the manner of His death, then we don't get to go to heaven.

I am pretty sure that I already discussed what salvation by faith might mean in another post. Look it up. If you can't find it, or if I dodn't post it, tell me, and I will try to explain it.

Now, can someone please, Please tell me what's wrong with all that i am saying? I can't find anything wrong, and I know that if all this is right, then I am either destined to a life of suffering or I am screwed and will not be saved.

... you know what the worst thing is?

Usually, I am pretty happy when around other people. or at least I have trained myself to act this way.

Well, it really really sucks when my depression gets so bad that even being around other people won't pull me out of it. Worse yet, there are times when being around people exacerbate the problem.

Man. I wish I could just be happy. I wish that I sould be happy, and stay happy.

Is this even possible?

I wish I didn't get so frigging lonely so often. My loneliness is kicking the crap out of me, and sucking away a lot of my power.

And it doesn't help to have issues going on between you and a good friend. Just one less person to talk to. And I can't do crap to alleviate the situation. It just seems that i'm destined to lose friends.

If only it were as easy as turning to God for help. But, sadly, I find that whenever i try to find happiness in God, that happiness, like all the others, just lasts for a short while, then I feel crappy again.

(exhales sorrowfully)

see, that's the thing too. I try to find some catharsis in writing here. but I don't know if it helps.

I'm not very athletic, so trying to get happy playing sports just gets me frustrated and depressed.

And, every day, I go to sleep, knowing that the next day will just be more of the same. Sure, some of the details will change. But it all seems to be the same.

I wish something could change. But, no, it looks like I am stuck in this system forever. Schoolwork, job work, whatever.

...

You know, I was thinking about it the other day. What I really need is a reason to do all this. I mean, some reason that I need to do whatever because I am the only one who can do it.

But, is there some special little thing that makes me special that I somehow contribute to the world? If there is, I can't find it.

I think that one thing that would work would be for me to have a child. I mean, in that case, I would be the only person that could be that kid's father. But, no, that doesn't look likely for me at all.

Nope. You know why? Because I'm me. I'm fat, slow, arrogant, mean, socially awkward, a little crazy(hell who am I kidding - a lot crazy), unspiritual, depressed, pessimistic, relatively useless, quick to judge, quick to complain, lacking in self-control, blah blah blah blah blah. How in the hell will I ever manage to convince someone to love me?

...

Sometimes, i am so very tempted to just lie in bed all day. To never get up, to never try. I mean, all I am doing is wandering around aimlessly. I don't see any destination. I don't see any clear path to follow. And, thus, I'm not really getting anywhere.

Everything is so monotonous and boring.

I think someone said i'm supposed to have "joy." Well, what the hell is "joy?" can someone plese explain to me what "joy" is? Because, as far as I can tell, I don't have anything that could be called joy. All I have is a life that goes on and on and on, with little bits of enjoyment every once in a while, but mostly monotony and boredom.

Is there something that i should be doing? If there is, i can't find it.

And, I feel like Job. Now, I know that Job's life was completely messed up, and my situation is relatively good compared to his. But, still, I feel like life is just a struggle, with no real meaning behind it. God could make things better, or he could at least end the suffering and just let me die. But, no, he makes me continue to endure this crap.

He makes me endure my loneliness. he makes me endure the pressures from society to live in mediocrity. He makes me endure the overwhelming pressures of the chemicals and hormones and whatever in my body, and he doesn't offer any way to satisfy these pressures from my body. it's like he's making me hungry, but withholding food.

----------
God, what's the point of all this? What does any of this achieve? Where is any of this going?
God, I want to follow. I want to trust you. I want to hope that you have something good coming out of all this. But I don't see anything. I don't see crap.
I mean, yeah, eventually I will get to heaven, and all will be happy and good. But, then again, I could just kill myself, and get there sooner, right? And what would I lose? A boring, long, frustrating, depressing life. And what does the world lose? Not much. It's not like I'm contributing anything.
God, I'm following you here. I don't know why. It's not easy. And I don't see how any happiness comes out of this. I don't see how anything important comes out of this either.
All I can see is that you are trying to make me obedient and in total misery and pain.
I don't know what's going on. But I want to follow you.
Please don't let me down.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Hmm, I can kinda relate to that:

Taken from the description of Tom Hinkle's Blog:

"...Joseph Barsabbas, also known as Justus, from Acts 1:23. All we know about him is two things: 1) that he followed Jesus from the from the beginning, and 2) he was a loser."

And this too.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/07/18/STUDENT.TMP

A student was gunned down three blocks from my apartment yesterday. I just came back from a morning run, and all by the location of the murder were candles and flowers and other such stuff set up as a memorial for this woman.

Death. Once again it shows its face for those in Berkeley. And, indeed, this is a time to mourn.

Please pray for the family and friends of the deceased.

but, also, while you pray for them, pray that God would be glorified through this event.

I suppose that most people are shocked and saddened by this event. Well, I must admit, I am a little saddened, but I am definitely not shocked. Death is on my mind far too much for this to be shocking to me.

I suppose most people get shocked not because of the fact that someone died, but rather because they are reminded of their own mortality. I surely hope they are not shocked by the fact that someone died; it should be known that everyone dies, sometime. But, when their eyes come across the figure of death, they are reminded of their own frailty, their own weakness.

And, indeed, they should be reminded of this, for we are frail and weak, and we often forget this.

But, there is a good that can come out of this all. In this short time, when everyone's eyes are on this death, they will be faced with the question, "What about my own life? Do I realize that it will one day end? And how do I live in light of that?" In this time, people will be looking for answers.

So, give them answers. Tell them that life is made for God, and that it should be used to please God. Tell them that we sinners have the opportunity to come to God through the actions of Jesus Christ, who was God. Tell them that even though this life will one day end, and our frail and weak bodies will pass away, for those who love the Lord and are called by Him, they will be given new and eternal life, and their bodies will be made new and glorious.

Tell them the good news from God in this time. Because the Lord has blessed us with this tragedy.

So, I'm up really really late again. But it's interesting, I was flipping through the channels and came across the tele-evangelist Creflo Dollar. He was preaching on lust, and I really feel like what he was saying applies to me.

James 1:14-15
But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then, when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.

So, here's something I learned: The word lust here is the Gk. word "epithumia," meaning "strong desire." Now, epithumia is used 3 times in the Bible in reference to good desires (Luke 22:15, Phil 1:23, and 1 Thess 2:17). But, here, of course, it is in reference to bad desire.

Now, notice the metaphor used here of conception and birth. When lust conceives temptation, it will lead to sin, and sin will lead to death. And conception MUST LEAD to birth, so lust conceiving temptation will inevitably lead to sin.

So, what solution is there? Well, in order to kill the weed of sin, we need to destroy the roots of lust. (I suppose this relates a lot to what i've been reading by Thomas Merton on asceticism.)

And, well, I need help. I really suck at self-control. I mean, I really really suck. So, I am asking for help. Would someone like to be an accountability partner?

I am really tired. And I really need help.

God, please provide me with someone to be an accountability partner. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Be Still, My Soul

Be Still My Soul
by Katharina A. von Schlegel

Be still, my soul:
the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently
the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God
to order and provide;
In every change,
He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul:
thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways
leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul:
thy God doth undertake
To guide the future,
as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence
let nothing shake;
All now mysterious
shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them
while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul:
when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened
in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know
His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul:
thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness
all He takes away.

Be still, my soul:
the hour is hastening on
When we shall be
forever with the Lord.
When disappointment,
grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot,
love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul:
when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed
we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul:
begin the song of praise
On earth, believing,
to thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him
in all thy works and ways,
So shall He view
thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul:
the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds
shall but more brightly shine.

A Mighty Fortress is our God

A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing;
Our helper He, amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing:
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe;
His craft and power are great, and, armed with cruel hate,
On earth is not his equal.

Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God’s own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He;
Lord Sabaoth, His Name, from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.

And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.

That word above all earthly powers, no thanks to them, abideth;
The Spirit and the gifts are ours through Him Who with us sideth:
Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also;
The body they may kill: God’s truth abideth still,
His kingdom is forever.

What life looks like to me:
I can't find lasting happiness in anything. If I do bad and sin, I feel good for a while, then feel sucky. If I do good, I feel good for a while, then feel sucky.

Even with God, I can't seem to find lasting happiness. I won't even get into joy, because I have no idea what it's supposed to be if not happiness. But, yeah, I can't seem to find lasting happiness in God. I try to obey, and I try to focus on his grace and love, but still I feel crappy.

Sure, there are some things that bring happines that last a short while. I can enjoy music and art and being with friends and so many things. But, still, they go away. And for me to pursue these things is to be let down and to be frustrated.

So, I can't find lasting happiness? What then do I find in life? Suffering, misery, pain, and sin, with really really really short interruptions by happy things.

So, what can I do? I can't seem to find lasting happiness. So, instead of looking for a positive answer, I seek a negative one: how to get rid of the bad things in life, or at least minimize them. And, right now, best, and perhaps the only, way I can see is in death. In death, all this suffering and sorrow and pain and sin will end and I will be in heaven with God.

There's not much for me here in this life. I don't see any lasting good things coming my way ever.

-----------

God, I am tired. I want to trust in you, but I don't know how to. So, God, all I can offer you is my actions. I fully recognize that I am saved by your grace alone, so these aren't just me trying to earn your favor. No, God, I just want to please you, and find pleasure in you. And I want to be faithful and loving to you in my actions.

I've heard that it's wrong for a husband to just act like he loves his wife, or for a friend to just act like he love his friend. Bot, God, I don't know how to change the way I feel. And all I can give you are these things I do have some control over. So, God, plesae accept my attempts to bring you happiness through my actions. They're not much, but I hope you can enjoy this gift.

Sometimes, I enjoy doing these things. And sometimes, i just do them despite how I feel.

And, God, please end this all soon. I am realy tired. But you already know that. So, God, I would love for all this to just be over and done with, but while I am here, please be pleased by all this.

I hope you can find pleasure in my life, because I sure am having a hard time finding pleasure in it right now. Well, not just right now - most of the time.

Be happy in all this, please.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Thoughts on death

Hello all,

So here's what's up:
I was sitting in Emeryville today, thinking and philosophizing, and some questions popped in my head, and I couldn't answer them or shake them off. And, as I thought about it more and more, I realized that these are very important questions. So, here they are:

Why is it important to continue living this life if you are a Christian? What's benefits are there for continuing to live if one is a Christian? Why shouldn't a Christian just kill himself?

Because, as far as I can tell, all the benefits of being a Christian only come AFTER death in the next life.

And, like I said, I couldn't come up with an answer to the questions.

So, here's your chance to speak. Feel free to post a comment or email me (thebrainkid AT hotmail DOT com) if you think you have an answer. I would actually prefer if you posted a comment. If you want to tell me an answer, I would not recommend calling me, because I will surely forget. Oh, and I suppose if you wanted to meet up with me, that would be ok too.

Heck, invite your friends to answer too. Let's make this a party.

So, Please help me find an answer.
Because I sure as hell don't have any answers.

-------------

Oh, and for your reading pleasure, here is a copy of the journal entry I made today:

"Dear Journal,
Here is a question that is sticking in my mind that I cannot shake & that I cannot answer (or at least am having a hard time answering):

What benefit is there to the Christian/for the Christian while still alive?

As I think about it, I can't think of any benefits in life for being a Christian.

I hear one benefit to [living life] being a Christian is that you find "joy" in God. Well, the problem is, I can't figure out what joy is. I've heard it isn't happiness, it isn't fulfilment, & a lot of other things it isn't. But, still, what is this thing called "joy," and why is it good? [And can it be experienced in this life?]

Perhaps you get what you want from God. But this doesn't seem to be true from experience.

Perhaps you please God. Well, how is this good for you?

...

As far as I can tell, the only benefits from being a Christian come after death. That's when we find heaven, & when we will be with God.
This is quite a puzzle."

Dear God,
After thinking about what I said to a friend yesterday, I need to talk with you.

I have a lot of doubts Lord. I don't trust that this life of mine will turn out ok. As far as I can see, it's just gonna get suckier and suckier as time goes on. There's gonna be more pain, and more depression, and all that. I don't see myself having a great job. I don't see myself having a great wife and a beautiful family. I don't see very much good at all. It just looks dark and unwelcoming. It's gonna keep getting harder.

And that all sucks God. But, God, I still trust you. I still trust that you will be growing me up to be more and more like Christ. That's the only thing that I'm even close to certain about. And, God, that's great. Thank you for that.

Lord, I pray that my life would all turn out ok. But, God, I don't expect good stuff in my life. But I do hope in you, that you will work all things so that I will be conformed to the image of your son.

Lord, please guide me through all this.
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Amen

Amen, brother. Amen.

[Thanks to Lifehacker.]

I like reading Job and Ecclesiastes. You wanna know what the difference is between the two?

Job asks why things are so bad, because he knows things could be better. And, in the end, things end up great. job gets wealthy again, and he's happy.

The Teacher in Ecclesiastes talks about how things are so bad, and he realizes that things are basically as good as they're gonna get. It's always gonna be depressing and sucky. And, sure enough, after Solomon left the throne, Israel got split up, and the line of kings and the culture went to crap.

Ecclesiastes is more realistic.

Jeff posted this:
http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=yinNout&tab=weblogs&uid=303734813

What if you don't have any short term goals, or what if you can't reach them?
Nice try, but sorry.

But yeah, Home looks pretty Damn good right now.

And Can It Be

And can it be that I should gain
an interest in the Savior's blood!
Died he for me? who caused his pain!
For me? who him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be
that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

He left his Father's throne above
(so free, so infinite his grace!),
emptied himself of all but love,
and bled for Adam's helpless race.
'Tis mercy all, immense and free,
for O my God, it found out me!
'Tis mercy all, immense and free,
for O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
fast bound in sin and nature's night;
thine eye diffused a quickening ray;
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
my chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed thee.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in him, is mine;
alive in him, my living Head,
and clothed in righteousness divine,
bold I approach th' eternal throne,
and claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th' eternal throne,
and claim the crown, through Christ my own.

Oh Bother.

Right now, I have an email froma certain someone in my email box.

I am dying to read it.
And yet I dare not click it.

Because that would be like opening the ark of the covenant. Contact with something sacred.

I don't know exactly what's in there. But I do know that it definitely posesses the power to make me filled with some preternatural power, or dissolve me into nothing.

perhaps there is nothing important in there. Perhaps it will say nothing important. Perhaps...

What to do, what to do...

perhaps I will wait till later to read it...

If I do not read it, I will surely die, but if I do read it, then perhaps I will be plunged into unbearable torture and sorrow.

On the other hand, perhaps into the heights of the heavens.

Damn it, why did I have to check my email right now? Why? stupid stupid me.

Of course, i've been waiting for this email all day. Hoping it would come.

And, now, here it is...

Oh, bother. What to do...

Times like this

man, its times like this that define my life.

I know I have stuff that to do for tomorrow and such, but as for right now, they don't seem all too important.
I feel a little worse than normal, but not enough to warrant the word "deppressed."
I feel like doing something... something.. but I do not know what that something is.
I look at what has happened so far today, and notice that I haven't done much that was worth the time.
I look ahead to the future, and just see lots of stuff to endure.
I suppose I would like to talk to some ppl, but they're not available right now, so please leave a message at the tone, and we'll get back to you. Thanks.
The temperature is just a little off from just right. Right now, it is a little too hot.
As I read from the Bible, nothing seems to really jump out and apply to me.

I am soooooooo bored. I would like to maybe go visit some ppl, but I have no reason to.
Maybe I could get groceries, if I had some money, But for right now, I have none available.
I can't go to sleep yet, or else I'll feel like a lazy jerk.
I could study for upcoming quizzes, but they don't seem to matter all too much.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll go out and wander outside for a while. It sure beats having my mind wander in my head.

Ok, see you later.

Meditations on love

Must love be rational? Different groups have different answers for this question, and these answers often exist as unstated assumptions in what they say and think. For instance, most of western society seems to answer in the negative, saying that love can be irrational. From this basis, we have people believing in things like blind love, love at first sight, and other such things. However, one thing to be noted is that, in a lot of theological discussions, theologians seem to automatically assume that love must be rational, and thus they go off trying to explain the nature and reasons for God's love revealed to us. They will talk about God being gracious as the result of His seeking of his own glory and, more simply, His pleasure. However, I fail to see how the pursuit of pleasure is in any way a exercise of rationality.
Of course, for those who accept that love can be irrational, they can look at the amazing love and grace which God has shown. Ask them why God has done what he has done, and they will simply answer “God is Love,” with no other explanation needed in their minds.
Now, as I mentioned, there are many in the West who accept that love can be irrational. But what about in the East? What do eastern minds think concerning this subject?
Well, from what I see, it looks as though they believe that love must be rational. They see love emerging from irrational passion as something dangerous and to be avoided, in contrast with many in the West.
However, as I look at that, I wonder how this mindset came to be, for I must admit that my thoughts and my mind has been formed mainly with Western influences. Here is my hypothesis:
Asian society has by this point in time been influenced by Buddhism and other eastern philosophies and religions. At the core of Buddhism is a desire to destroy all passions, in the pursuit of peace and Nirvana. (I must admit that my understanding of such topics is quite limited, so I cannot say much here.) Thus, perhaps their view concerning love and the danger of love emerging from irrational passion is mainly the result of this type of thought.
As for me, what do I believe? Well, I believe that love can definitely be irrational. Irrationality most certainly accompanies many instances of love. And thus, one must be cautious when under the influence of this thing called love.
But why be cautious? At the same time that I believe what I have written above, it seems strange to me, this idea of putting love subject to rationality. Do we not see in I Cor 13 that love is the most important thing, not rationality?
Indeed, that question lingers: why be cautious?
--------------------
From what I see, Love is not primarily a state of mind, or an emotion. No, Love is primarily a way of acting towards another. To put it simply (and to paraphrase DC Talk), Love is a verb, not a noun.
Love must be shown in action. Or rather, Love must be active, but not necessarily shown. For instance, I know God loves me, but I must also recognize that I cannot see many of the instances of his love for me.
To confine a lover to inaction is to frustrate that lover and, indeed, love itself. For one who wants to love another, the limitation of that one to not show that love must be a hellish ordeal indeed. But then, one must ask: If love is not being acted out, can we then say that it is truly love? Is it not then in that case simply a matter of the mind and the emotion?
Here is another question: can the suppression of love be an example of love acted out? And, in that case, what can be said of the lover? Is that lover a better or worse lover for this suppression of love in the name of love?
These questions linger.

Beauty

Paul tell us to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I truly believe this counts.

Sit. Reflect. Learn. Live.

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

good convo

man, i just had a great conversation with someone over AIM just a little while ago. I mean really good. Very cathartic. I swear, I feel like... like... like I just finished crying for a while or something. Yeah, good convo. I look forward to conversations like that.

meditations - 7/9/05

Meditations

As I have thought about my situation, I believe that my frustrations come from the fact that I want things, and I don't or can't get them. I see enjoyable things all around me, which I desire to attain or posess, and I find that for some of these things I cannot have or attain them. And, in some cases, this desire is not just a mere flicker in my mind; rather, I find that some of these desires are basically hard-wired into my body.

There exist many such desires. For instance, the desire for food when one is hungry, or the desire for sleep when one is thirsty. Indeed, to look at higher desires, I find such desires as the desire to love and be loved by another hard-wired into my brain.

Now, I look at the world around me, and I notice that evil situations exist. Situations such as the starving masses in poorer countries, those who suffer from diseases such as AIDS and whatnot, and those who need clean water to drink. And, of course, there are those who find themselves mentally ill with the mind disease we call romantic love, and who find that their desires to love and to be loved are thwarted by things outside of them.

Of course, these are great evils which must be confronted. But there exists an infinitely greater evil which is often ignored. That evil is this: There are people who hunger for some Bread of Life, who thirst for some Living Water, and who long for Love personified. That is, they long for God. Perhaps they do not know that it is God for whom they long, but still they starve spiritually.

And why do they starve? Because they are prevented from coming to God.

And what is it that prevents them? Well, there lies the most pitiful thing in this entire business, for, you see, it isn't the case that they are held back by something outside of themselves. Rather, they hold themselves back, in their own pride and self-seeking ways.

And that, more than anything else, is tragic. More than the frustration of love. More than the starvation of millions. More than the death of so many in a gruesome genocide, even.

----------------

So, in my own situation, I find myself with desires that are prevented from being fulfilled. What then can I do?

All I can see to do is to overcome my own body, this flesh. To learn to have no regard for myself. To stop seeking the "good" that I see, and to not seek to reach or attain the desires which I have.

I must turn from these things, these evils, and turn to God, and I must learn to seek first his Kingdom and His Righteousness. And, He promises me, all else I need will follow, if only I do that.

I must become humble, like Christ, and submit myself in obedience to God. I must find my joy in Him and him alone, considering all else rubbish for the sake of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I must lose al things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

I must turn from my focus on fulfilling hunger, and only eat so that I am equipped to serve God. I must not learn to love sleep, except to the extent that it better enables me to do His Will. And I must overcome the seekings of this heart to find some fulfillment in romantic love, for as I struggle with such things, I am distracted from serving my God.

And what is promised? Well, he promises to me that all my needs will be met.

Now, I do not believe that i can do this. I do not believe I have the power to do all this. But He promises me that his strength is made perfect in my weakness. And in this I hope.

Hope. Where does my hope lie but in the promise that I will see Him and be made like Him? Again, let me repeat: I will see Him and be with Him and will be made like Him!!! I do not and should not expect any good from this fallen, sinful world, where frustrations and distractions abound everywhere.

Currently reading...

I'm currently reading through the following books (not including books for classes):

Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness, By Dr. Frank Tallis

No Man Is an Island, by Thomas Merton

The Weight of Glory, by C.S. Lewis (Rereading this one)

hmm, i think there's more, but I can't think of them right now....

Amish Ppl and technology. Here.

Read. Think. Learn. Apply.

Some wonderful quotes...

Man, BHT has a whole lot of great quotable lines today.

"My terror of God comes from my fear that he's got some grand scheme for the universe that involves my perpetual misery as some sort of side effect. I'm afraid that when he hears my prayers (for you-know-what, of course), he just says "Oh really? That's nice, but maybe you should ask someone who gives a crap, or better yet, be thankful that no one's having you tortured to death for your faith! You've got it better than most people alive today and throughout history, and you're whining because you don't have THAT!? Go choke yourself, because I have better things to do than listen to you complain."

So that's why I'm afraid of God. I'm worried that he'll either answer all my prayers with "No, and in fact, just for annoying me, I'm going to make it even worse," or "yes, but only in a Monkey's Paw sort of yes" because he's God and he can do whatever he wants, and I have no right to complain."

-Josh Strodtbeck (See here)

------------------
"I really have no fear of death. What I have is fear of boredom. To me death is more welcome then living a long pointless life. Fear that the Lord will place me in some dead-end job and I will do nothing important or useful for the kingdom. That my assigned task in life will just be the mundane 9-5 and housewife type of things. I long for adventure and excitement."
-Rachel Robinson (see here)

a thought...

I wonder if anyone else ever wonders if they're "cursed" with the "gift" of singleness... just thinking...

my foot hurts...

I was walking to berkeley bowl today, and I stepped in a pothole as I was crossing a street, and I hurt my ankle. It's really hard to walk on it. Hopefully this won't get in the way of CityMinistries tomorrow.

concupiscence

Found a very interesting doctrinal point today: that of concupiscence.

Is it sin, or not? I find myself leaning more towards the Catholic view than the Protestant view at the moment, but I need to think about it more.

Ok, just wanted to manke a note of this so that I remember later.

Joy...

Dear God,

What is joy?

All throughout the Bible, I hear joy mentioned.
I have told you this so that your joy may be complete. Jn 15:11
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice. Phil 4:4
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. Rom 14:17

joy here, joy there, joy everywhere! But what the heck is joy?

Is it supposed to be some sort of lasting happiness? Well, I don't think that is true, because some of the best Christians I know get sad and depressed and pissed off and whatever else at times. I surely do not have lasting happiness, for I am depressed quite often, and get pissed off, sad, and whatever else. Heck, even Jesus experienced all of these things too!

If not lasting happiness, then what?

If Christians are supposed to have it, what is it, and how can I tell?

Is it supposed to be some sort of nifty feeling you get when you live lovingly and virtuously? Well, I really suck at being loving and virtuous, so I either don't have this joy, or experience it only at a very limited level, which is frustrating like crazy. And I'll be cursed with this frustration until I am fully sanctified by my God in the last day.

What the hell is joy supposed to be? Man, now I'm frustrated, angry, depressed, and a whole bunch of other feelings too.

Is it supposed to be some sort of fulfillment? Well, i fail on that one too.

God, what the heck? I am sooooo freaking tired of this life. If I am supposed to have joy, then, well, what then? I don't know what joy is, and I don't feel very "joyful", as I currently understand it. Yeah, I'm real good at acting pretty ok most of the time. And, perhaps some times I am happy. But, it always passes and goes away.

God, I feel like crap. I have faith that you can give me joy; this I know for sure. But, God, I don't have faith in me. I really suck at this entire endeavor called life. I suck at loving others. I really really suck when it comes to loving you. But I want to love you more. But, how can I when I am still me? I am stuck to being this.. this... argggghhhhh.

God, all the time, I feel like I am surrounded by all these happy, uppity Christian people. Maybe they have joy. Well, I fell pretty crappy and I don't feel like I have whatever they might have. Crap.

Father, thank you for your love to me. Thank you fo continuing to listen to me every time I come whining and complaining about stupid crap. Forgive me, please, Heavenly Father, for all of my shortcomings and failures and outright rejections of you.

God, I'm tired. I'm really really tired. I want it all to end. But, still, if you keep me here, I'll try to love others and to love you, and to do what I know you have for me to do. I'll try to make your glory recognized. I'll try to help others grow in their love for you. I'll try to be a good ambassador for you in this fallen world, and to shine like a star in the heavens. Lord, I'll try. I promise.

But, Father, I'm tired. I'm really really tired. This life can't satisfy me, I need you.And I'll try to continue to seek after you, but I know beyond any doubt that I will get in the way of me. And that sucks.

God, nothing in this world is very enjoyable. But there are definitely a lot of distracting things that will take my focus off of you and place it on them or, worse, on me. God, just please make me focus on you, or at least take these distractions away. I want this, I want that, and that other thing too. Take them away from me, or, even better, take me away from these things.

I'm tired, God. I'm tired of wanting things, and wanting things, and wanting things, and getting let down and frustrated. But, of course, either you don't want these things for me, or I'm not doing my part to get them. Well, since I am stuck to being me, I guess I'll live in frustration and unfulfillment all my life.

You know what I am really tired of, God? I'm tired of being all chipper and happy and whatnot when around others and like this when its just me, here. Maybe I'm just acting that way when i am around them. Maybe being around others cheers me up. Well, if its the first, then I'm always depressed, except sometimes I'm also a liar. And if its the second... well, that sucks too, since I don't fit in well in society, with others, and am thus destined to be alone.

I don't fit in well with guys. I don't fit in well with girls. I don't fit in well with older ppl. I don't fit in well with younger folks. I don't fit into mainstream society, yet I am still outside of the smaller groups.

I got no lasting ties anywhere. Any seeming connections with others are either not real, or they are only temporary, and they will fall away. Fade away. Into nothing.

You're here with me, of course. Then why am I not happy and all that? God, I want to want you and only you, because you are the only thing that will last. And I can't even do that right.

Lord, please sustain me until I fade away, that I might be pleasing to you and close to you. Let me not focus on anything else, but only on you. Let all else be as crap to me in comparison to knowing you.

Lord, I love you, in my own limited manner. I have faith that you are merciful and just and loving and faithful. And I have the hope that you can help and save me, even me.

Be glorified in me and in my life, and may that life be short but beautiful to you. Let everything be nothing to me except for knowing you.

"The joy of the Lord is your strength" Neh 8:10
Give me strength. Please.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Hey there.

Happy Blow-Things-Up-To-Seem-Patriotic Day, also known as Independence Day.
------------
So, upon reflecting on what I wrote yesterday, I wanted to comment on what I had said.

So, here we go:

Of those three "solutions" to my problematic situation:
1) Figure out how to be happy.
2) Figure out how to stop caring about being happy.
3) Die.
...of those three, I find that I don't know how to do (1), I am not allowed to do anything that would directly bring about (3), so I'm stuck right now to doing (2).

As I've thought about that for the past day, I realized (or remembered) something: There is a way to connect (1) and (2).
[1,2]a) Figure out how to stop caring about being happy in things of this world in an improper way in order to find happiness in the eternal things and in God., and thus to find a proper happiness in things of this world.

-----------------
Recognized: I am a selfish, ignorant jerk.
Recognized: the world in which we live is one which has been built to not focus on God
Recognized: I seek an improper happiness in many things of the world.

To solve these, or at least to confront these, something needs to be done.
--------------

hmm, it's quite interesting to look at the history of asceticism in the church...

depressed thoughts...

Well, whether or not I am "over my depression", once again I find myself in the state which I refer to as "being depressed." So, since I am in this state, I wanted to analyze the thoughts I find myself having. So, here we go:

What is the place of happiness in a Christian's life? Because, at the current moment, I find myself unhappy. Can one be unhappy and yet still thankful and grateful before God?

To what extent should a Christian focus on or seek being happy? Because it seems that most of the times I try to be happy, or put myself into a situation that brings happiness, I fail to achieve that happiness. Indeed, sometimes, the pursuit of happiness leads me to choosing to fall to temptation.

God is not necessarily concerned for our happiness; rather, in His love, he is concerned for our well-being and for what's best for us; and his concern for our well-being and what's best for us is a concern that we glorify and please Him.

So, why should we be so concerned with our happiness when He isn't? We should focus first and foremost on pleasing Him and making Him happy...

Why? Because to do otherwise would be bad for us.

Well, in what way? How would doing otherwise be bad for us? Well, to be virtuous is what pleases God, and he knows what is best for us, and wants that for us.

Well, what does that mean to me? How does doing what is best for me, well, good for me? What do I get out of it? Well, what they say is that you will be happy and useful.

Wait, hold up, what the hell? You're telling me that I need to do what is right in order to be happy, and here I am trying to do what's right, and I find myself unhappy quite often. Hmm, I don't see how what you're saying in any way correlates to reality, as I experience it.

Well, why is being happy important? Why should you care about being happy?

I ... I ... I don't know.

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Hmm, I don't know where to go with that, so...

I dunno. It feels like I should just stop trying to be happy. I mean, why is it important to be happy?

If being happy is important so that we can love God and be thankful and grateful, then why shouldn't I go out and try to be happy?

Well, many say I should, and I do try. But, like I said above, when I try, I seem to fail most of the time. It seems the world is set up so that I can't be happy.And I don't expect the rest of my life to be better: just a longer chain of disappointments and failures.

And, I know, I know, that to die would make me happy. I would be made perfect and I would be with God. And that hella rocks.

But, no, He's keeping me here, "blessing" me every day with another day to live, miserably. So, I kinda have a hard time giving thanks to God for keeping me from what would make me happiest.

I mean, I recognize that I don't deserve any of what I have and all that, but that doesn't mean that I should be happy that I have it. I mean, its like I'm a kid with some weird bone disorder that makes it painful to live. Yeah, sure, maybe some days are less painful than others, but... it would be just stupid to try to convince the kid that " You should be happy! You know, you don't deserve to have the gift of that bone disorder; its a blessing from God! And, you know, not everyone is blessed enough to have your disorder! So, be thankful!"

Now, can you visualize this little kid cussing out the idiot who tried telling him this?

Well, maybe the reason happiness is important is not related to being thankful and stuff. Well, then, how is happiness important?

Why is being happy important? Well, what if it isn't?

Well, that sucks, because it seems that the pursuit of happiness is hardwired into our brains and bodies, so that we seek to do something in order to have a chemical release in our brain in this area or that area. It's like this body is a prison, where we're forced to do meaningless crap until we die. If being happy isn't important, and our bodies are wired to search for happiness, then.. Boy, I sure do want to be free of this earthly tent and be in the new body God will give me.

So, that's kinda where I find myself, with these thoughts:
1) Why is happiness important?
2) If it is important, then why can't I be happy? And if it isn't important, why can't I be free of a desire for happiness?
3) Boy, I sure do look forward to death, and for the new life in Christ.

So, what are solutions here?
1) Figure out how to be happy.
2) Figure out how to stop caring about being happy.
3) Die.

Hmm, the second one sounds very Buddhist, and I can't see what's wrong with it.
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Lord, I find myself living a relatively miserable life. When I try to be happy, it seems you won't let me be happy. But, you do give me those short periods of happiness. And for those I am grateful. Thank you. But, overall, I just want it all to end. My life is in your hands. Be glorified in me, please. In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Environmental stuff

Things to do: (in no particular order)
1) start growing some of my own food
2) begin composting organic output
3) buy some reusable grocery bags
4) figure out how to recycle more stuff
5) buy some reusable produce bags
6) change my sleeping schedule, so that i am up at times when there is natural light, so that I don't have to use electric lights

More to come later...

a miracle?

City Ministries was really great tonite! I think I may have seen a miracle! but, i won't go too much into it here....

right now, i would definitely say I am finding joy in God. Yep, tonite was pretty good, but He is always good.

Praise Him.

depression

I think i may be over my depression.

Yes, that's right, I might be over it.

Instead of being depressed, I just find myself pessimistic and frustrated.
or maybe those are in addition to being depressed...

more later...
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edit: hey, read this for stuff on frustration. very interesting... (I really grok Michael Spencer.) This changes the way I look at things.

A prayer of glory...

Dear Father in Heaven,

Blessed be your name! You have granted me this life, and you continue to sustain me. Each and every day, you provide me with what I need, and quite often you provide me with what I want, and for this I thank you.

Lord, often I have ranted on and on about how I don't really like life, about how I long for death. And, Lord, I do, I do long for death. I think that there is definitely a proper place for longing for death. I mean, look at the Apostle Paul in Philippians 1!

So, yes, I long for death. But, Lord, you have been using many of those around me to show me that I fail to properly long for life as well. And, of course, they are right.

Why is this, Oh Lord? Why do I not accept these gifts of life with the joy and the gratitude that they deserve?

I was re-reading an essay by CS Lewis the other day, called "The Weight of Glory." In it, he discusses the longing within every person for the attainment of perfection. Whenever we see a marvelous sunset or the grandeur of a mountain range; the magnificence of a beautifully played symphony; the subtle playings of flavour in our mouths as we bite into a delicious delicacy; the wondrous aroma of a garden of flowers; or the beauty of two lovers in love, in real love; whenever we experience such things, for a moment, perhaps only a brief moment, we find ourselves experiencing perfection. No, not experiencing; rather, we find ourselves reminded of perfection, a nostalgia to be united with something perfect, Someone perfect. To take part in perfection, and to find within ourselves some glory.

Oh, that glory! You, oh Lord, are the Glorious one, and from you flows the fountain of glory. And, as we come and drink from that fountain, we find ourselves being transformed, going from glory to glory, through the glorious work that was done by Christ. He is the Morning Star, and he shines bright in the night, in the darkness. And, as we live and love and follow Him, You promise that we will find ourselves also being lights in the darkness, that we will shine as we reflect his glory.

And, in that final day, when Christ shall return in Glory, we will be raised and transformed into beings of Glory, and we will live with you forever, praising you, the Giver of all good things and the Father of Lights.

Oh, God, how great that promise is! And, yet, as I look at this amazing promise, I feel a little left out. I look at myself, and I cannot believe that this wretched being that I am could possibly be changed into something great. I feel like an ugly duckling, who is condemned to grow old and find itself to be, not a beautiful swan, full of grace and beauty, but simply an ugly duck.

I see no hope in this world. I see this world slowly falling apart, degrading into a mess. And, as I live my life in this world, that life, my life, must worsen.

What joy do I then have? Well, my joy is in the fact that, after all this is done, in that final day, Christ will come and I will be resurrected and be changed into something glorious!

But, Lord, what about the time that must pass between then and now? Am I left to experience this struggle until I pass away?

Lord, may I rest assured in your promise, that if I cling to you, I will be made into something that reflects Your beauty and awesomeness! Grant me the ability to look to you and your unfailing promise for my hope.

And, Lord, help me as I try my best to cling to you and do what You will. Help me to remember to hold onto you for my escape into Your realm of perfection, for you are the Way. Help me to hold on even as I try to reject and rebuke all of these lies (from my own mind and from the Devil) for You are the Truth. Help me to remember that I must hold on to you for my life, for You are the Life.

Help me to live my life here as one who is only passing through. And help me to focus on the finish line which lies before me, and on the prize which you offer.

Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Lord, I know that it is your will for me to find my joy in you. And I know that it is your will that I be transformed into the likeness of your Son.

So, I ask and pray all these things, keeping in mind your promises,

In the Name of Christ Jesus, my Lord,
Amen