Amen

"Either God still has some kind of purpose for me, or God is a cruel asshole who keeps miserable people like myself alive--and miserable. Very quickly, before you start the heresy trials, I must say that I have to believe it's the former, not the latter, although in some of my weaker moments..." - Tom Hinkle

On Vacation

Well, my family is on vacation for this entire week. It's been pretty interesting, although long car trips can get quite boring and tiring.

We have gone to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons (both of which are in Wyoming), and I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City, Utah, only blocks away from all the Mormon buildings.

During the long drives, I have been reading, knitting, and watching movies, and I have been really getting into the word and praying about a lot of things that have been on my mind.

Some things that have been on my mind:

- I keep realizing and re-realizing that perfect happiness cannot be found in this life , but rather only in the next. This is both sad and encouraging, although, for me, it just seems more sad.
- What is the purpose of this life, here in this body? To be prepared for heaven, through discipline from God through suffering. And to serve him, and carry out his will.
- I was reading through "The Slumber of Christianity", by Ted Dekker, and a lot of the stuff he says really relates to the stuff I have been going through, especially recently. He talks about how Christians should put their focus on hope for heaven. And, really, I try to do that. I really try. But, what I have a hard time doing is being happy here in this life.
- How are works important in salvation? (see Jam. 2)
- the importance of chastity in a single Christian's life
- the value of composting organic "waste"
- the truths of some Eastern Orthodox beliefs
- How much friends and relationships affect my thoughts, mood, and actions
- How much I love my family
- How my family can be really annoying and stupid
- How God's glory is revealed in the beauty in His creation

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Oh, I was just looking through some of the xanga subscriptions I have. Congratulations to Jo and Ben on their engagement. May God bless the future of your relationship, and may he build up the love between you two as he continues to build up your loves for Him. And always remeber to thank God for the joy and happiness he blesses you with in this life here and now, but never forget that the great fulfillment of our happiness and joy lies ahead in eternity in heaven. I have so much more I would like to say, but I don't know if I am able to put it all into words, so let me just be succinct:

May God continue to show all his people grace and mercy, and may we always be grateful in thought and action.

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Dear God, you do bless me with grace and mercy. You give me what I need to live, what I need to serve you, and so much more. But, God, as always, I pray that you will speed the fulfillment of my hope, as you bring us into your presence, either by coming quickly, or by granting me to leave this life of the shadows of joy and allowing me to enter into the next stage of life, in eternity in heaven with you, where there will be no more pain, sadness, or sorrow, and where we will live in complete happiness and in complete fulfillment of our hope and our purpose, as we worship you. God, you have been so good to me, and have blessed me with so many things to enjoy, not just in these past few days on vacation, but all throughout my life. But, God, while I am thankful for these things, I am tired of this life of pain, sadness, sorrow, and misery, and I long to be with you. But, Lord, continue to work in my life and through my situation, as you put me through suffering and pain and sorrow in order that I might develop discipline, leading to character, which leads to hope. Continue to build that hope for the prize of this race, the joy that lies before me in heaven.

I am tired, God, but I will try to continue on, in order that I may take hold of that for which you have taken hold of me. Help me to not stumble or fall as I press on.

Free me from the monotony, sadness, suffering, and misery of this life, and grant me your peace, joy, and happiness.

Use me, and make me pleasing to you, as I try to find and live out your purpose for me here in this life.

I am tired, Lord, but in Hope I trust that you will be worth it all. Again, continue to guide my path, and continue to draw me to you.

Not my will, but yours be done.

I pray all these things in Jesus Name, in hope,
Amen

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Well, maybe I have more to write, but writing it down probably won't help anything nor will it change anything., so I'll end this all now.

Pressing on through life,
a follower of Christ,
thebrainkid (aka eeyore)

On cheap hope

On Cheap Hope

(link found on Mere Comments blog)

Read this

Cool. Love poetry

Another great article from Mere Comments.

Well, I just discovered a little while ago that one of the homeless people I knew here in Berkeley, whose name was Malcolm, just died.

Now, I don't know if he was a Christian. If he was, then I would be rejoicing right now. But, then again, if he wasn't, this is horrible and a tragedy.

I don't know what else to say. Maybe I'll write more on this later.

Ok, so I've taken some time to look at why I am so often in a state of frustrated depression. (You know, sometimes, I think a better term would be "frustrated realism," but I can talk about that some other time.)

So, I guess it all boils down to purpose, even above the actual situations I encounter. I mean, sometimes things are going great; other times, things are pretty bad. But, above all of that, I don't see how much of this is meaningful. Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I forced to do what I do?

Is pleasure the purpose behind action? Should hedonism (of, as Piper would put it, "Christian Hedonism") guide my actions, my life? Well, there's a problem: I don't find any of this particularly pleasurable.

I was thinking about it, and I can only see this earthly life as a collection of sufferings. Things can be bad, and things can be worse. Thus, I long for death. I do not long for death as an end in itself, but rather I long for death in that, for a Christian, it is a passing from this world of suffering to the realm of heaven.

Life is suffering. For instance, I am in school. Why am I in school? Heck, iono! Is it to make life better? Well, better in what way? Is it to increase the quantity of life, or improve the quality of life? Well, if quantity, remember: I don't like life; More life only means more suffering, and I want it to end as quickly as possible.

Well, then, how about quality? Is all this supposed to make life more enjoyable, or at least less sorrowful? I don't see how this all does make life more enjoyable. I mean, it might make life less sorrowful, but... I just don't see the connection there.

What am I supposed to look forward to in life? What brings it meaning?

IS meaning and purpose to be found in a good, high paying job? How could it be? I look at that and see only a lot of hard work, with only money as my reward. And, as they say, money can't buy happiness.

Is meaning and purpose to be found in a good family, a loving wife and loving children? Well, if it is, I don't have a wife nor have I children at the moment, and I don't know of anything I can do that would put me in a path towards having a family. Perhaps God will bless me with a family someday? Well, I don't know if he will, and I don't know why I should hope that he will. I mean, it is quite possible that he would just leave me "blessed" with singleness for the rest of my life.

For me right now, life is full of suffering. Sure, my life is better off than the lives of others, but my life is still full of suffering.

What do I look forward to? Heaven, and the end of this suffering.

Let me be frank here; this is what I believe: Life is full of suffering, and Heaven is without suffering. In order to get to heaven, you must persevere in your faith, which means enduring the suffering of life. One should not expect life to be great and full of happiness, because only heaven is great and full of happiness; life is full of suffering, and hell is filled with absolute suffering. One should not hope to be happy in life, because that isn't promised by God. All he promises is that life is filled with experiences to make you holy, and that heaven will be amazing. All one can hope for is heaven, and, well, a short life.

It's like Paul's analogy of the race. When you're running the race, your side may hurt and you will be out of breath and all this other stuff. Sure, you might find some slight comfort in a sip of water during the race, or a cool breeze. But, above all else, the race is hard, long, and tiring. You shouldn't focus on the sips of water, or the breezes of wind, or whatever else. You should focus only on the prize that awaits the winner of the race. Also, as I look at it, you can hope that the track is short rather than long.

Thus, I hope in heaven, and I hope that it comes soon. I hope this race will be short, and that I will reach the goal and win the prize soon.

(I don't understand the appeal of promises in the Bible that, if you follow some command, your life will be long. I don't know why I would want that. I would much rather have life be short.)

I have a hard time enjoying life, and thus I have a hard time thanking God. I am just left frustrated, hoping and praying that he will end this all really soon.

Horatio Spafford and "It Is Well With My Soul"

I really like hymns. It seems to me that most of the modern worship songs being written today are focused on how one feels. And, thus, I usually can't sing them honestly. I mean, sure, they may be happy and clappy and upbeat, but, ... come on, they're just not very true to life. At least, not for me.

On the other hand, when I look at hymns, most of them have not focus on how one feels. God is to be praised for what he has done, no matter how crappy I feel.

I bring this all up, because I was reading about the life of Horatio Spafford, the writer of "It Is Well With My Soul". He was going through so much crap, and yet he could write this:

It Is Well With My Soul
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

My sin, 0 the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but in whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, 0 my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul

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Lord, I'll try to keep praising you for what you have done, even when I fell like crap. Thank you.

Some sorta happy thoughts...

(read the previous post before this one)

In the previous post, I wrote about how I have a hard time finding a reason to be happy. Well, I was sitting and thinking about it, and i realized something:

I can't lose.

I mean, here is the specific case I was thinking about: I would like to have a wife, and a family, etc. Let's focus on the wife part of that for now.

Either God will give me a wife before I die, or I will be dead (which is gain, for then I will be in heaven with God).

Now, this applies to everything else too, but I happened to be thinking about this one at the time.
This thought hit me a few minutes ago, and I was stunned. Even though this line of thinking may be kinda depressing to some people, this is great news for me. Either way it turns out, I will be happy.

So, I am guaranteed that I will be happy in the future.

Well, I guess a few problems still remain:
1) What do I do to be happy in the meantime, before my desires are fulfilled or my death? Life may still be long, difficult, and painful until then, so what do I do until then?
2) God can still take things away that I like and which make me happy. What can I do in that case?
3) Is there any way for me to speed this all up, that I may attain what I want or die quicker?

Now, I realize that these things may be pretty clear to some people, but I am stubborn and like things fully explained, so I will continue to try and figure this stuff all out... pray for me please.

(As I look at the problem, I'm pretty sure (1) will find some answer in Hebrews 11-12, and (2) in Job, and I know the general answers sorta, but I need to know the answer to the level where I grok the answer. We'll see how that goes.)

Some Thoughts...

You know, it's hard for, trying to find something to be happy about.

I'll stop, and take a look at my future. I see all these things I would love to have: a loving family, with a beautiful wife and wonderful children. Or how about a good way to serve other people, a way that will not just help them in the short term, but in the long term too? Maybe I could be a pastor or something. Or, at the very least, a way to live so that I don't harm others by my actions?

And, as I sit here, I can't think of anything else I really care about. I mean, I don't really care if I get a big house, a nice car, a well-paying job, or whatever. Those things really don't matter to me. All I care about is that I would be able to love God and love others. And I think these things would give me some meaning for going through whatever experiences and circumstances I find myself going through, whether good times or bad. These things give meaning to life, and only these things give meaning to life.

But, as I sit back and think about it more, I don't know how this future is at all attainable. I don't see how anything I'm doing right now in college leads to me being able to make a lasting impact in someone's life. I don't know if God will ever bless me with a girlfriend, let alone a wife, let alone a family. In fact, I don't really expect Him to give me any of those things.

Well, then, what do I see in this life ahead of me? Well, since I don't see how those things are attainable, I just see a life full of meaningless toil, of frustration, and of pain and suffering. And, after that, I will die, and be with God in Heaven.

And, so, with that all in mind, here I stand, hoping every day that God would just spare me from this crap and let me just die, so that i can be with Him sooner.

I don't have hope in life. I don't expect to find some way to make it meaningful. I just see it as long and difficult. I don't see how I am really helping people, I don't really know what to do so that I could help people with my life. I don't see how this life is pleasing to God, other than perhaps, maybe, he likes seeing me suffer.

But, no, that can't be. He loves me.

Well, then, why won't he just let me die already?

I know what you're thinking. You want to say that I am being dumb, and that i should struggle and seek after these things that I would like to have. Well, I've thought that too. But, as I think about it, I don't see how I can. Or, at least, I don't see how I can pursue these things and still help others. If I pursue a girlfriend, a meaningful job, or whatever, I would be harming someone else or letting someone down. I mean, I would hate to have someone I love, like a GF or wife, or maybe children, I would hate to see them having to be burdened by me. To have to deal with all this crap that I struggle to deal with every day.

I mean, think about it: would you ever want someone you loved to be stuck with someone who is pessimistic, frequently depressed, and generally useless? Would you want them to have to live with that person, trying to help him through that crap, while trying to stay mentally and emotionally stable themselves? Would you like to see your sister, your daughter, or even yourself with this burden? Or how about a whole big group? Would you wish a pessimistic, frustrated pastor upon a church? Would you like them to have to deal with that crap? I think not.

Right now, i am thinking of two friends of mine. One of them was pretty emotionally unstable, and she saw my other friend as stable or whatever, so she began to rely on him. Pestering him. Bothering him. And, I saw this "stable" friend going through pain, hurt, anger, and frustration as he tried to help her. He really wanted to help her; he did. But, the struggle of trying to help her really wore him down. Really made him unstable at times.

You think I want to bother someone like that too? Hell no. I would hate for others to be burdened down by me, by this crap that I am trying to deal with.

So, here I am, stuck. I can't seem to get myself out of depression and this futile life by myself, and I would hate to bother someone else and distract them from other things. I can only turn to God.

Father, please pull me out of this miry pit and please plant me on some solid rock, so that I would be able to please you as I try to live life loving you and loving others. It all seems so useless right now, and I am stuck. So, I pray, please help me get out of this useless life, whether it be by geting rid of the uselessness or by getting rid of the life. Because, well, I am stuck, and you're the only one who can help me here.

So, please help me.

For Jesus' sake, AMEN