Jesus and Tom Cruise
I like this.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/30/2005 05:46:00 PM
0 comments
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
on complaining...
"Do everything without complaining or arguing,
so that you may become blameless and pure children of God
in a crooked and depraved generation
in which you shine like stars in the universe"
-Philippians 2: 14-15
So, I was reading this, and I realized something:
I sure am a whiny little bitch.
I mean, I complain about freaking everything all the time, especially here on my webjournal.
So, in order that my life might shine, I'm gonna try to stop bitching and complaining about how much life sucks and stuff. Of course, if someone genuinely asks me how I feel, ... ummm, i dunno what I will say.
Don't know if that will change how I feel, but at least my life will be blameless and pure and I will shine.
...
God please use me and make me useful and effective as your ambassador in this world. Please help me as I try to stop bitching and complaining about everything.
Be glorified in me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
so that you may become blameless and pure children of God
in a crooked and depraved generation
in which you shine like stars in the universe"
-Philippians 2: 14-15
So, I was reading this, and I realized something:
I sure am a whiny little bitch.
I mean, I complain about freaking everything all the time, especially here on my webjournal.
So, in order that my life might shine, I'm gonna try to stop bitching and complaining about how much life sucks and stuff. Of course, if someone genuinely asks me how I feel, ... ummm, i dunno what I will say.
Don't know if that will change how I feel, but at least my life will be blameless and pure and I will shine.
...
God please use me and make me useful and effective as your ambassador in this world. Please help me as I try to stop bitching and complaining about everything.
Be glorified in me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/29/2005 06:43:00 PM
0 comments
A quick thought...
I like the music group Superchic[k]. I have to say that they're probably one of my favorite groups. For some reason, a lot of their songs really strike a chord within me.
It strikes me as funny, though, that it seems their target audience is teen and pre-teen girls in junior high or high school. makes one think...
Anyway, here's an excert from one of their songs:
Sometimes I have good days and its good to be me.
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity.
And it's quite alright to be the one and only,
But today i feel like the one and lonely
- From "One and Lonely" by Superchic[k]
(Actually, the song has absolutely nothing to do with me, but I just think the chorus really expresses how I'm feeling at this moment.)
Ok, that's it for now....
Pax,
Pons
It strikes me as funny, though, that it seems their target audience is teen and pre-teen girls in junior high or high school. makes one think...
Anyway, here's an excert from one of their songs:
Sometimes I have good days and its good to be me.
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity.
And it's quite alright to be the one and only,
But today i feel like the one and lonely
- From "One and Lonely" by Superchic[k]
(Actually, the song has absolutely nothing to do with me, but I just think the chorus really expresses how I'm feeling at this moment.)
Ok, that's it for now....
Pax,
Pons
posted by thebrainkid at 6/29/2005 02:29:00 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
God,
I gotta admit: I still feel like dying.
I dunno... Ppl are always telling me that I shouldn't feel like this. However, I haven't really heard a good reason to not feel like this.
I mean, most ppl keep telling me that I shouldn't be so focused on death because such a focus keeps me from enjoying things in life. And I keep saying that I don't really see what there is in life that is worthy of being focused on and being enjoyed. Which is not to say that there aren't things in life that I enjoy; I enjoy a lot of things, and I thank you, God, for letting me enjoy them. But, still, in general, life is pretty sucky.
I have heard one person say that I shouldn't be focused on death and shouldn't be depressed because that would take away from my ability to witness to others. Well, in response to that, I just say that I am being real, and that I would hate to attract people to some religion by BSing about how great I feel. No, I will be real and honest, within the context of love.
So, no real good reasons to not focus on death. Not that I really see it as being within my power to change my mood.
But what I will do is try to find joy in God, and to love Him with all I am. In loving Him, I will love others. But still, like Paul in Phil 1, I still see death as gain and as very much better.
So, Lord, help me to love you and to love others, but still, let me be real and say I want to die.
-------------------
God, please help my friend. You know who I am talking about at the moment. Please help her to look to you with love, that she might find her joy in you. Help her to focus on you and not on stupid stuff.
-------------------
On that note, help me to love you and focus on you and not stupid stuff too, b/c I focus on stupid crap way too much.
-------------------
God, I was thinking about this the other day:
I don't know if I wrote this here or somewhere else, but a lot of my theology is quite similar to that of DeeDee Warren. However, she is a post-mill preterist, while I am more of an amill preterist.
Iono, I guess I just don't have a very optimistic view of the future. I simply see this world as being really jacked up, which is why I think amill is more likely than postmill. But, of course, you are powerful enough to do what you want. But, still, I don't see postmill as very likely.
I guess this fits in with alot of what I think about how the world works. I just see things as pretty freaking crappy, and they're just gonna get worse. I don't really have hope for the future of this world, but rather I have my hope in the redemption of your people in the next world, while this world is obliterated.
And this is on a much smaller scale too. I don't really see my life as getting any better, but rather expect it to just keep getting worse and worse. And I don't see anything that is indicating otherwise.
i dunno. If I am wrong, please correct me.
--------------------
I have more to say, but I need to talk to a friend right now. Please help her.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
I gotta admit: I still feel like dying.
I dunno... Ppl are always telling me that I shouldn't feel like this. However, I haven't really heard a good reason to not feel like this.
I mean, most ppl keep telling me that I shouldn't be so focused on death because such a focus keeps me from enjoying things in life. And I keep saying that I don't really see what there is in life that is worthy of being focused on and being enjoyed. Which is not to say that there aren't things in life that I enjoy; I enjoy a lot of things, and I thank you, God, for letting me enjoy them. But, still, in general, life is pretty sucky.
I have heard one person say that I shouldn't be focused on death and shouldn't be depressed because that would take away from my ability to witness to others. Well, in response to that, I just say that I am being real, and that I would hate to attract people to some religion by BSing about how great I feel. No, I will be real and honest, within the context of love.
So, no real good reasons to not focus on death. Not that I really see it as being within my power to change my mood.
But what I will do is try to find joy in God, and to love Him with all I am. In loving Him, I will love others. But still, like Paul in Phil 1, I still see death as gain and as very much better.
So, Lord, help me to love you and to love others, but still, let me be real and say I want to die.
-------------------
God, please help my friend. You know who I am talking about at the moment. Please help her to look to you with love, that she might find her joy in you. Help her to focus on you and not on stupid stuff.
-------------------
On that note, help me to love you and focus on you and not stupid stuff too, b/c I focus on stupid crap way too much.
-------------------
God, I was thinking about this the other day:
I don't know if I wrote this here or somewhere else, but a lot of my theology is quite similar to that of DeeDee Warren. However, she is a post-mill preterist, while I am more of an amill preterist.
Iono, I guess I just don't have a very optimistic view of the future. I simply see this world as being really jacked up, which is why I think amill is more likely than postmill. But, of course, you are powerful enough to do what you want. But, still, I don't see postmill as very likely.
I guess this fits in with alot of what I think about how the world works. I just see things as pretty freaking crappy, and they're just gonna get worse. I don't really have hope for the future of this world, but rather I have my hope in the redemption of your people in the next world, while this world is obliterated.
And this is on a much smaller scale too. I don't really see my life as getting any better, but rather expect it to just keep getting worse and worse. And I don't see anything that is indicating otherwise.
i dunno. If I am wrong, please correct me.
--------------------
I have more to say, but I need to talk to a friend right now. Please help her.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
posted by thebrainkid at 6/28/2005 11:40:00 PM
1 comments
Monday, June 27, 2005
Dear Heavenly Father,
These last few days have been quite a ride. Thank you.
Some things I have realized:
1) I actually am joyful a lot. Life is sometimes very fun, and very enjoyable. And at those times, I don't feel very depressed at all.
2) When I do get depressed, I really get depressed. When my mood begins to fall, it plummets.
3) Some things that can possibly get me out of depression are hanging out with friends, taking long walks at night, taking long prayer walks, and, well, blogging.
4) some things that can get me into depression include too much or too little social interaction, falling to sexual temptation, thinking about the future and any plans I might have, and, well, blogging.
I suppose one way to look at it would be to say that my mood is digital, not analog; that is, there really isn't a continuous range of mood for me, just two or three discrete levels among which I jump back and forth.
Anyway, like I said, these last few days have been pretty good; weel, relatively good, at least. But, Father, i must admit, I am feeling down again. Not so bad as I have in the past, but still pretty bad.
God, Father, Lord: why am I still here? Why do you continue to give me life?
I mean, I'm not accomplishing much. I'm completely unnecessary in your creation. Anything that I'm doing could be done by others, and probably much better than I'm doing them now. I'm not really necessary in this big machine. Yeah, sure, I suppose I can make a difference, but I'm by no means the best tool for these jobs.
Well, actually, there are some things that only I can do. However, most of those things aren't desirable. Like, I can bother others, get other people depressed, etc. I get ppl concerned with me and with other trivial matters when they should be focusing on more important things.
So, I'm not really necessary, and I screw everything up quite a lot. I'm serious: just get rid of me, please.
I mean, I'm not gonna act like I don't enjoy anything at all. Like I said, God, there are definitely times that I do fnd my joy in this life in You.
But it seems like that's more the exception than the rule. Also, I don't really see how my joy (or lack thereof) realy matters with the fact that I'm not really needed.
-----
hmm, one other thing that I notice is that, concerning the good things I see that need to get done, either I'm not very competent in doing them, or in doing them I would probably alienate myself from those around me, and that would make the actions relatively useless.
Like, for instance, I notice the fact that our culture is doing a really crappy job of being stewards of this world, your creation. We pollute the world like crazy, and just make a mess of all of this. I would love to do what I think would be best, and to live that way, but if I did so, I suppose I would look crazy to all those around me. If it were up to me, I would love to live totally sustainably. I suppose I would bike everywhere, grow my own food, and whatever else.
But, what would be the point? I mean, in doing so, everyone I know would treat me like I'm crazy. I wouldn't fit into this society, and... i dunno.
I suppose I sound a lot like a hippie right now. That bothers me, sorta. I mean, I would rather not be seen as a hippie or whatever, but even more so than that I would like to not care about whether or not someone thought I was weird or a hippie or whatever.
------------------
God, what do I do? I feel like i'm either stuck with being totally ineffective in my life, or to living a life where I am effective, sorta, but in which I would be totally unable to interact with people like I do now. And I would probably be depressed because of that.
God, how I wish i could just take that step and be crazy. Absofrigginglutely out of my mind. So that I would be able to live what I perceive to be the right way to live without any concern for what others think. To not be concerned with what's "socially acceptable" but rather to just be a freak. A Jesus freak.
Father, i dunno. people keep telling me that I need to relate to people and live as your disciple in the culture and society that I live in. But, to be quite honest, I don't like the society we live in. I think that to live in this society, to accept it as the way it is, would be wrong. But I'm completely unable to do anything to change things.
Or, rather, unable to change things as I live the way that I do now. But to live differently would make me freaking crazy. Perhaps it would alienate me from my friends, and concern and sadden my parents.
God, I have no idea where my life is going. But I'm completely unable to change the course of my life. It seems everything is controlled by my parents, my friends, the culture and society in which I live, and... argggghhh.
------------
A little ditty:
I don't know where I'm going,
And I'm not sure who I am;
But, Father, please guide my steps
As I hang onto your Hand.
Everyone around me tells me
that this must be my fate:
work 9-5, in a cookie-cutter life
Stuck in suburbia. Oh, great.
God, I don't know what it is
that makes me so strange,
to want to live so different,
to seem almost deranged.
Lord, I don't think I can be normal;
I can't live that way
that everyone else is living
from day to day to day.
God, I want to make a difference,
my life an extraordinary one,
Like Aimee and Mother Theresa,
or one of the Martins, either one.
I'm sure there's still more
That I could write and say,
But I'm getting tired and hungry
And I can't think of any more rhymes.
------------
God, please continue to guide my path. thank you for your blessings. May all of this come out of a love for you and be for your glory.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
These last few days have been quite a ride. Thank you.
Some things I have realized:
1) I actually am joyful a lot. Life is sometimes very fun, and very enjoyable. And at those times, I don't feel very depressed at all.
2) When I do get depressed, I really get depressed. When my mood begins to fall, it plummets.
3) Some things that can possibly get me out of depression are hanging out with friends, taking long walks at night, taking long prayer walks, and, well, blogging.
4) some things that can get me into depression include too much or too little social interaction, falling to sexual temptation, thinking about the future and any plans I might have, and, well, blogging.
I suppose one way to look at it would be to say that my mood is digital, not analog; that is, there really isn't a continuous range of mood for me, just two or three discrete levels among which I jump back and forth.
Anyway, like I said, these last few days have been pretty good; weel, relatively good, at least. But, Father, i must admit, I am feeling down again. Not so bad as I have in the past, but still pretty bad.
God, Father, Lord: why am I still here? Why do you continue to give me life?
I mean, I'm not accomplishing much. I'm completely unnecessary in your creation. Anything that I'm doing could be done by others, and probably much better than I'm doing them now. I'm not really necessary in this big machine. Yeah, sure, I suppose I can make a difference, but I'm by no means the best tool for these jobs.
Well, actually, there are some things that only I can do. However, most of those things aren't desirable. Like, I can bother others, get other people depressed, etc. I get ppl concerned with me and with other trivial matters when they should be focusing on more important things.
So, I'm not really necessary, and I screw everything up quite a lot. I'm serious: just get rid of me, please.
I mean, I'm not gonna act like I don't enjoy anything at all. Like I said, God, there are definitely times that I do fnd my joy in this life in You.
But it seems like that's more the exception than the rule. Also, I don't really see how my joy (or lack thereof) realy matters with the fact that I'm not really needed.
-----
hmm, one other thing that I notice is that, concerning the good things I see that need to get done, either I'm not very competent in doing them, or in doing them I would probably alienate myself from those around me, and that would make the actions relatively useless.
Like, for instance, I notice the fact that our culture is doing a really crappy job of being stewards of this world, your creation. We pollute the world like crazy, and just make a mess of all of this. I would love to do what I think would be best, and to live that way, but if I did so, I suppose I would look crazy to all those around me. If it were up to me, I would love to live totally sustainably. I suppose I would bike everywhere, grow my own food, and whatever else.
But, what would be the point? I mean, in doing so, everyone I know would treat me like I'm crazy. I wouldn't fit into this society, and... i dunno.
I suppose I sound a lot like a hippie right now. That bothers me, sorta. I mean, I would rather not be seen as a hippie or whatever, but even more so than that I would like to not care about whether or not someone thought I was weird or a hippie or whatever.
------------------
God, what do I do? I feel like i'm either stuck with being totally ineffective in my life, or to living a life where I am effective, sorta, but in which I would be totally unable to interact with people like I do now. And I would probably be depressed because of that.
God, how I wish i could just take that step and be crazy. Absofrigginglutely out of my mind. So that I would be able to live what I perceive to be the right way to live without any concern for what others think. To not be concerned with what's "socially acceptable" but rather to just be a freak. A Jesus freak.
Father, i dunno. people keep telling me that I need to relate to people and live as your disciple in the culture and society that I live in. But, to be quite honest, I don't like the society we live in. I think that to live in this society, to accept it as the way it is, would be wrong. But I'm completely unable to do anything to change things.
Or, rather, unable to change things as I live the way that I do now. But to live differently would make me freaking crazy. Perhaps it would alienate me from my friends, and concern and sadden my parents.
God, I have no idea where my life is going. But I'm completely unable to change the course of my life. It seems everything is controlled by my parents, my friends, the culture and society in which I live, and... argggghhh.
------------
A little ditty:
I don't know where I'm going,
And I'm not sure who I am;
But, Father, please guide my steps
As I hang onto your Hand.
Everyone around me tells me
that this must be my fate:
work 9-5, in a cookie-cutter life
Stuck in suburbia. Oh, great.
God, I don't know what it is
that makes me so strange,
to want to live so different,
to seem almost deranged.
Lord, I don't think I can be normal;
I can't live that way
that everyone else is living
from day to day to day.
God, I want to make a difference,
my life an extraordinary one,
Like Aimee and Mother Theresa,
or one of the Martins, either one.
I'm sure there's still more
That I could write and say,
But I'm getting tired and hungry
And I can't think of any more rhymes.
------------
God, please continue to guide my path. thank you for your blessings. May all of this come out of a love for you and be for your glory.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
posted by thebrainkid at 6/27/2005 12:27:00 PM
0 comments
Thursday, June 23, 2005
feeling not too shabby.
had class today, which was cool. really liking CogSci1 so far. have to see how this will turn out.
had the first summer SGL meeting today. was fun, although I talked a lot. kept going until 10:20 or so. real late.
watched Hitch afterwards, in 110. good movie.
reading a little of the works of Thomas Merton. don't yet know what to think about him. seems cool, but also a little weird.
was looking through the xangas of some friends. came across this. not quite sure what to say or think about that. writes so pretty that its sometimes hard to tell if its real. (have a hard time thinking that life is that pretty. doubt if it can be described with such pretty words, at least.)
really liking the music of Jennifer Knapp. also, the Normals. good stuff. very real and true to life.
thinking and praying about friday and saturday.
ummmmmmmmmm, should sleep soon. dunno, maybe feel lazy for going to sleep so early (that is, being awake for so few hours)
kinda getting tired of trying to write sentences without subjects. hahaha
ok, done for now. laterz.
only important thing in life: x. think about that.
had class today, which was cool. really liking CogSci1 so far. have to see how this will turn out.
had the first summer SGL meeting today. was fun, although I talked a lot. kept going until 10:20 or so. real late.
watched Hitch afterwards, in 110. good movie.
reading a little of the works of Thomas Merton. don't yet know what to think about him. seems cool, but also a little weird.
was looking through the xangas of some friends. came across this. not quite sure what to say or think about that. writes so pretty that its sometimes hard to tell if its real. (have a hard time thinking that life is that pretty. doubt if it can be described with such pretty words, at least.)
really liking the music of Jennifer Knapp. also, the Normals. good stuff. very real and true to life.
thinking and praying about friday and saturday.
ummmmmmmmmm, should sleep soon. dunno, maybe feel lazy for going to sleep so early (that is, being awake for so few hours)
kinda getting tired of trying to write sentences without subjects. hahaha
ok, done for now. laterz.
only important thing in life: x. think about that.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/23/2005 01:11:00 AM
0 comments
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
i have this recurring thought, that maybe the root of this depression and stuff is to be found in some chemical imbalance in my brain or some structural problem up there. definitely an interesting thought, although perhaps a little saddening. i dunno...
posted by thebrainkid at 6/22/2005 12:17:00 PM
1 comments
happy thoughts
Man, I sure am a downer... I'll try to be happy right now.
So, I don't find much joy in things. However, I find a lot of joy in little things.
Sometimes, even silly things.
Some things I like, in no particular order:
-Little brainteaser puzzles
-getting new CDs
-knitting hats
-reading the blogs of my friends
-those times in small group when we get really off topic and start talking about "non-Christian" things
-finding pennies in the street
-collecting old containers (like pasta sauce bottles and jars)
-getting new books, Christian or not
-long walks, wandering around Berkeley or Pacifica
-Jelly Belly jelly beans (especially green apple)
-making food that others think is too spicy or salty or bitter etc but that I can handle and enjoy
-when little children and babies smile at me
-finding a new place to sit or lie down while taking walks
-just hanging out with friends, talking about "nothing important"
-wooden pencils
-finding pencils, pens, erasers in classrooms or on the ground around Berkeley
-making things in woodshop
-string cheese
-giving and receiving hugs (I used to do this a lot in high school; too bad that I don't too much anymore)
-really dark chocolate
-having long, meaningful conversations with ppl who are considered "crazy," like homeless ppl or jason :)
-dice
-rock climbing
-soft and cuddly stuffed animals, like my crab and dog
-cast iron cookware
-comics and graphic novels
-tsitsaron (also spelled chicharon),palabok,lechon
-the cartoon show "the weekenders"
-flannel bedcovers
-when ppl remember to put toilet paper with the paper going over the top and coming out in front, not in the back
-chewing gum
-Pixar movies
-the show "get smart"
-the show "good eats"
-Michael Spencer's websites and essays
-DeeDee Warren's websites and essays
-salami and cheddar on saltine crackers
-water guns
-linux
-finishing reading books
-sushi
-orisinal games
-magic tricks
-turtles
-beaches that let you have bonfires
-the reallivepreacher blog
-puppies
OK, i just spent half an hour on that. I'm feeling ... well... not too bad right now. That's nice. OK, time to go to sleep.
Thank you God for all these things. Amen.
So, I don't find much joy in things. However, I find a lot of joy in little things.
Sometimes, even silly things.
Some things I like, in no particular order:
-Little brainteaser puzzles
-getting new CDs
-knitting hats
-reading the blogs of my friends
-those times in small group when we get really off topic and start talking about "non-Christian" things
-finding pennies in the street
-collecting old containers (like pasta sauce bottles and jars)
-getting new books, Christian or not
-long walks, wandering around Berkeley or Pacifica
-Jelly Belly jelly beans (especially green apple)
-making food that others think is too spicy or salty or bitter etc but that I can handle and enjoy
-when little children and babies smile at me
-finding a new place to sit or lie down while taking walks
-just hanging out with friends, talking about "nothing important"
-wooden pencils
-finding pencils, pens, erasers in classrooms or on the ground around Berkeley
-making things in woodshop
-string cheese
-giving and receiving hugs (I used to do this a lot in high school; too bad that I don't too much anymore)
-really dark chocolate
-having long, meaningful conversations with ppl who are considered "crazy," like homeless ppl or jason :)
-dice
-rock climbing
-soft and cuddly stuffed animals, like my crab and dog
-cast iron cookware
-comics and graphic novels
-tsitsaron (also spelled chicharon),palabok,lechon
-the cartoon show "the weekenders"
-flannel bedcovers
-when ppl remember to put toilet paper with the paper going over the top and coming out in front, not in the back
-chewing gum
-Pixar movies
-the show "get smart"
-the show "good eats"
-Michael Spencer's websites and essays
-DeeDee Warren's websites and essays
-salami and cheddar on saltine crackers
-water guns
-linux
-finishing reading books
-sushi
-orisinal games
-magic tricks
-turtles
-beaches that let you have bonfires
-the reallivepreacher blog
-puppies
OK, i just spent half an hour on that. I'm feeling ... well... not too bad right now. That's nice. OK, time to go to sleep.
Thank you God for all these things. Amen.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/22/2005 03:23:00 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Sunday, June 19, 2005
a MUST-READ
So, I was just looking through the xangas of my friends, and I came across this.
You Go Girl!
Never settle for normal. Strive for extraordinary.
You Go Girl!
Never settle for normal. Strive for extraordinary.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/19/2005 03:51:00 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Conversations with parents...
So, I just finished talking with my mom for an hour or so.
Welllllllll... that was... interesting.
Man, I swear, sometimes, when you talk to parents, they just go on and on about things that are totally irrelevant and which don't matter.
I swear, I felt like Ben Stiller in this interview by the time we finished the conversation.
Mom, seriously, if you want to talk about some problems in the lives of your children, learn to listen to them as they talk about their problems. Go ask Mark or Paul: you just don't listen to us. Sorry.
So, you want to have meaningful conversations with us where we aren't screaming at you or incredibly frustrated; well then, LEARN TO LISTEN!!!
Now, this isn't just for my mom. This is for everyone. LEARN TO LISTEN to others when you are talking to them.
Now, I will admit, I too have problems with listening to people. Please forgive me of this.
Welllllllll... that was... interesting.
Man, I swear, sometimes, when you talk to parents, they just go on and on about things that are totally irrelevant and which don't matter.
I swear, I felt like Ben Stiller in this interview by the time we finished the conversation.
Mom, seriously, if you want to talk about some problems in the lives of your children, learn to listen to them as they talk about their problems. Go ask Mark or Paul: you just don't listen to us. Sorry.
So, you want to have meaningful conversations with us where we aren't screaming at you or incredibly frustrated; well then, LEARN TO LISTEN!!!
Now, this isn't just for my mom. This is for everyone. LEARN TO LISTEN to others when you are talking to them.
Now, I will admit, I too have problems with listening to people. Please forgive me of this.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/14/2005 12:58:00 AM
1 comments
Monday, June 13, 2005
wandering aimlessly...
Dear God,
So, I was bored at home, so I came to Berkeley.
Now I'm bored in Berkeley.yay.
I don't really see any particular reason to go anywhere at the moment or to do anything. I would like to take a walk, but I don't know where I would be going, so I would just wander aimlessly. Perhaps I could go to a store, but I really don't need to buy anything.
So, here I sit, in my computer chair, not really doing anything except write this.
It's kinda funny, b/c as I write this, I'm listening to the song "Something More" by Ginny Owens:
"There's gotta be something more than running circles for a living,
Gotta be something more than just trying to survive,
Gotta be some important puzzle piece that I am missing,
Gotta be something more... to life."
God, as I sit here writing this, I can't help but wonder: Did jesus ever feel like this? Did he ever just sit somewhere, without anything to do? I really can't see that as being true, but... i dunno.
It feels like this is the core of life as i know it. Sure, at other times, I will do things, like going to class, or doing homework. But, why? I mean, what do they achieve? Is there any reason for me to do those things?
So, Lord, here I sit. Typing up this... confession to you.
God, I am so tired of this tedium of life. Is this what life is supposed to be like?
I had lunch with billy a few hours ago, and he mentioned something interesting. he talked about how I am always talking about looking forward to death, about how I don't see purpose in most of the things I do. he talked about how I was being selfish in wanting death, and how we have to go out and do things to create our own purpose. I dunno, something just doesn't sound right there.
Actually, now that I think about it, there are a lot of things that I consider important and purposeworthy. It just happens to be the case, though, that much of what I consider important, society and the people around me don't consider them all too important.
For instance, I find much meaning when I am fellowshipping with people in my church, or in AACF.
I love to teach small group, and to help people learn, although I must admit that I am not the best at teaching or at making things clear.
I love to help out in Cityministries on friday nights, serving and praying for the homeless.
I love reading about issues and controversies in Christianity, like all this stuff about reformed theology, or the emergent church.
I love reading about and understanding other denominations and branches of the church, that I might find what is true in them and what is wrong in them and in what i believe.
I love studying how culture, politics, mainstream religions, and Christianity all collide. It's important to see how the government, or the media, or large corporations, or whoever else, all will do things that are wrong and how they might exploit Christians into accepting what they do as wrong. it's important to see how we as Christians, the church of God, can possibly change the society around us.
All these things I love, and probably more stuff too, that I can't remember at the moment. But most of these things are considered unimportant by others.
You know all these things already Lord, and I thank you for knowing me so intimately as you do. But please allow me to continue, so that perhaps I might help others and maybe that you would use others to help me. May all of what I say be pleasing to you.
So, many of those things are considered unimportant by others. But what do they consider important?
- doing well in school, so that one can get a good job and get lots of money, so you can buy a big house (or two) and a nice car and whatever else.
- impressing others, though appearance and actions, so that they think well of you, and so that you are made to look great.
- impressing others of the opposite sex, through appearance and actions, so that you might get a good girlfriend or wife or whatever, and thus that you might have kids, that they might also do these things
Why are such things important? They would say, "well, because that's how the world works, and you need to fit into the world... blah blah blah"
That's dumb. I don't like the way the world works, and I don't want to support this system.
Why are these things so important? Sure, I would like to be relatively well-to-do, and to have a good wife, and be able to support my kids. But I want to be able to show my kids, and others around me, the problems with the way things are right now.
I want to live with eternity in mind, and not be so focused on things here and now.
And, yeah, sure I long to have a good wife, and good kids, and whatever. If God supports that process, then I will go along with that. But, more than that, I long to be dead. To die, and be gone from this tedium of life, and to be with you, my God, in Heaven.
People say not to worry about death, that it will happen and there's nothing that we can do about it. But I find myself on the other side. I look forward to, long for death. How interesting.
I guess its because I don't see anything for me here on earth. Sure, there are pleasures to be had, but more and more, as I go on in this life, I find myself enjoying such pleasures in ways that are sinful and which are against you, my Lord. And I don't really see myself as getting better, nor do I see myself as very able to change. And so I just see me, a failure before you and before others, and stuck in this condition. If others don't see my failure, then one day they will be let down. And if they do see my failure, then they would shun me.
God, I'm so tired. I want this all to end. Everything just seems to be getting worse and worse. Or rather, I seem to be getting worse and worse.
See, Lord, now I'm crying. That would mean something, but I cannot help but think that this is only temporary, that these feelings won't change things, and that I'll continue to be enslaved to my own will. I'll fail you, Lord, and I will fail others.
And, God, I don't wanna let you or others down. You love me so much, but I just spit in your face and continue to whore myself out again and again. Thus, I am wary of relationships with members of the opposite sex, b/c I don't trust that I can act in a holy manner. I am wary of living in a way that looks like the way that others live, b/c I am pretty sure that I would end up making an idol of my possessions or whatever, and thus taking my focus off of you.
(Of course, if I were someone else analyzing someone saying all of this, I would say that they're just making themselves out to be a victim, and that they just need to change their ways and their attitude. But there's the problem, Lord; I am exceedingly wicked, and I don't think I can change this.)
I wonder, Did Jesus ever long for death? Did he ever look forward to being done with life on earth? That seems so weird of a question, but... i dunno. This is just me being stupid again, God.
But if he didn't ever have nothing to do, and if he never longed for death, then what was the reason for not being that way? And how might I develop that in me?
God, all of these comments and confessions and cogitations are simply the wandering of my mind, aimless, looking for something important.
But, as for now, let me just serve you and please you, not by my own power, b/c I am useless, but by the power of the Holy Spirit. Lord, let that be my goal above everything else.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
So, I was bored at home, so I came to Berkeley.
Now I'm bored in Berkeley.
I don't really see any particular reason to go anywhere at the moment or to do anything. I would like to take a walk, but I don't know where I would be going, so I would just wander aimlessly. Perhaps I could go to a store, but I really don't need to buy anything.
So, here I sit, in my computer chair, not really doing anything except write this.
It's kinda funny, b/c as I write this, I'm listening to the song "Something More" by Ginny Owens:
"There's gotta be something more than running circles for a living,
Gotta be something more than just trying to survive,
Gotta be some important puzzle piece that I am missing,
Gotta be something more... to life."
God, as I sit here writing this, I can't help but wonder: Did jesus ever feel like this? Did he ever just sit somewhere, without anything to do? I really can't see that as being true, but... i dunno.
It feels like this is the core of life as i know it. Sure, at other times, I will do things, like going to class, or doing homework. But, why? I mean, what do they achieve? Is there any reason for me to do those things?
So, Lord, here I sit. Typing up this... confession to you.
God, I am so tired of this tedium of life. Is this what life is supposed to be like?
I had lunch with billy a few hours ago, and he mentioned something interesting. he talked about how I am always talking about looking forward to death, about how I don't see purpose in most of the things I do. he talked about how I was being selfish in wanting death, and how we have to go out and do things to create our own purpose. I dunno, something just doesn't sound right there.
Actually, now that I think about it, there are a lot of things that I consider important and purposeworthy. It just happens to be the case, though, that much of what I consider important, society and the people around me don't consider them all too important.
For instance, I find much meaning when I am fellowshipping with people in my church, or in AACF.
I love to teach small group, and to help people learn, although I must admit that I am not the best at teaching or at making things clear.
I love to help out in Cityministries on friday nights, serving and praying for the homeless.
I love reading about issues and controversies in Christianity, like all this stuff about reformed theology, or the emergent church.
I love reading about and understanding other denominations and branches of the church, that I might find what is true in them and what is wrong in them and in what i believe.
I love studying how culture, politics, mainstream religions, and Christianity all collide. It's important to see how the government, or the media, or large corporations, or whoever else, all will do things that are wrong and how they might exploit Christians into accepting what they do as wrong. it's important to see how we as Christians, the church of God, can possibly change the society around us.
All these things I love, and probably more stuff too, that I can't remember at the moment. But most of these things are considered unimportant by others.
You know all these things already Lord, and I thank you for knowing me so intimately as you do. But please allow me to continue, so that perhaps I might help others and maybe that you would use others to help me. May all of what I say be pleasing to you.
So, many of those things are considered unimportant by others. But what do they consider important?
- doing well in school, so that one can get a good job and get lots of money, so you can buy a big house (or two) and a nice car and whatever else.
- impressing others, though appearance and actions, so that they think well of you, and so that you are made to look great.
- impressing others of the opposite sex, through appearance and actions, so that you might get a good girlfriend or wife or whatever, and thus that you might have kids, that they might also do these things
Why are such things important? They would say, "well, because that's how the world works, and you need to fit into the world... blah blah blah"
That's dumb. I don't like the way the world works, and I don't want to support this system.
Why are these things so important? Sure, I would like to be relatively well-to-do, and to have a good wife, and be able to support my kids. But I want to be able to show my kids, and others around me, the problems with the way things are right now.
I want to live with eternity in mind, and not be so focused on things here and now.
And, yeah, sure I long to have a good wife, and good kids, and whatever. If God supports that process, then I will go along with that. But, more than that, I long to be dead. To die, and be gone from this tedium of life, and to be with you, my God, in Heaven.
People say not to worry about death, that it will happen and there's nothing that we can do about it. But I find myself on the other side. I look forward to, long for death. How interesting.
I guess its because I don't see anything for me here on earth. Sure, there are pleasures to be had, but more and more, as I go on in this life, I find myself enjoying such pleasures in ways that are sinful and which are against you, my Lord. And I don't really see myself as getting better, nor do I see myself as very able to change. And so I just see me, a failure before you and before others, and stuck in this condition. If others don't see my failure, then one day they will be let down. And if they do see my failure, then they would shun me.
God, I'm so tired. I want this all to end. Everything just seems to be getting worse and worse. Or rather, I seem to be getting worse and worse.
See, Lord, now I'm crying. That would mean something, but I cannot help but think that this is only temporary, that these feelings won't change things, and that I'll continue to be enslaved to my own will. I'll fail you, Lord, and I will fail others.
And, God, I don't wanna let you or others down. You love me so much, but I just spit in your face and continue to whore myself out again and again. Thus, I am wary of relationships with members of the opposite sex, b/c I don't trust that I can act in a holy manner. I am wary of living in a way that looks like the way that others live, b/c I am pretty sure that I would end up making an idol of my possessions or whatever, and thus taking my focus off of you.
(Of course, if I were someone else analyzing someone saying all of this, I would say that they're just making themselves out to be a victim, and that they just need to change their ways and their attitude. But there's the problem, Lord; I am exceedingly wicked, and I don't think I can change this.)
I wonder, Did Jesus ever long for death? Did he ever look forward to being done with life on earth? That seems so weird of a question, but... i dunno. This is just me being stupid again, God.
But if he didn't ever have nothing to do, and if he never longed for death, then what was the reason for not being that way? And how might I develop that in me?
God, all of these comments and confessions and cogitations are simply the wandering of my mind, aimless, looking for something important.
But, as for now, let me just serve you and please you, not by my own power, b/c I am useless, but by the power of the Holy Spirit. Lord, let that be my goal above everything else.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
posted by thebrainkid at 6/13/2005 04:02:00 PM
0 comments
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Analyzing "love", from inside and out, and other thoughts...
Dear Heavenly Father,
Today, as you know, I watched the movie of "The Phantom of the Opera." What an amazing experience that was.
Lord, thank you for enabling humans to make such things of beauty. Of course, the beauty of human products cannot compare to the beauty of Your creation, oh Lord, but still, they can be beautiful. Of course, their beauty can only come from their ability to mimic or represent the beauty which comes from you.
Lord, thank you for making humans capable to experience beauty and also to derive pleasure from it. You bless us, Lord, by letting us notice and enjoy such beauty, whether it be visual, audial, or whatever else. Of course, the beauty of your creation totally fails in contrast to your beauty. Lord, forgive me for often forgetting that, and for placing created things above the Creator, for making idols, and for trying to ignore you, the fountain of living water, and trying to dig my own broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
Let me return to discussing the movie, Lord. ... After I finished watching this movie, Lord, I must admit, I felt quite stirred within. Lord, you know my heart, and you know how watching that movie made me feel quite amorous (not in the sexual sense, as you already know, my Lord; I find I must explain this so that others who might also read this may not be confused.) That is, I was filled with feelings that pointed to love, especially that of the romantic sort.
Lord, how great is that power which movies have to affect emotion and feelings! Lord, I pray that you would help me, regardless of what is affecting my emotions and feelings, to always consider how to best glorify you.
Anyway, as I said above, watching the movie left me feeling quite amorous. And, Lord, as I sat there afterwards, thinking about the movie, I looked within myself and began to analyze such feelings.
I began to think about how, if I were outside of myself, that is, if I were analyzing someone else who was as I was then, I would have wondered if such feelings were simply desires of lust. As you know, Lord, feelings towards love and temptations toward lust can look so very similar. In fact, as you also know, many scientists today look at the incredible similarity here and will simply say that they are one and the same and that any differentiation between what are labelled feelings toward love and what are labelled temptations toward lust is simply mistaken and misguided.
But, Lord, thank you for granting me insight on this matter through the writings of CS Lewis. In one of his essays, "Jack" writes about the problem of transposition; that is, the problem of trying to describe a more complex system by means of a less complex system, such as trying to represent spoken language through written symbols, or trying to draw a 2D picture representing the 3D world.
He notes that any such attempts must be incapable of fully describing the more complex system.
For instance, one example that has been shown in our modern world is to be found in saying and writing the word "dude." Yes, one can write the word, but the simple representation of the English alphabet is incapable of fully describing all the different ways the word can be said. It might be said very long, or it might be said for only half a second. it might be said with a very high pitch, or it might be said with a more bass pitch. It might be said in so many different ways, and yet the written representation only shows one thing.
So, to bring this to the topic at hand, when we try to describe the more complex system that embodies the spiritual and the emotional with the less complex system of a scientific, physicalist viewpoint, we must invariably fail. We will be incapable of describing the difference between feelings toward love and feelings toward lust because, from the point of view of the physical, they are the same. however, when one looks at them from a higher, more complex viewpoint, they are shown to be undeniably different. So we must look at such things not with a physicalist viewpoint, but rather with one that takes into account the emotional and spiritual aspects of a thing.
But, of course, Lord, you know all this.
So, I sat there, looking within, thinking about what exactly this feeling was exactly. Was it innocent, or was it possibly something defiled?
And, after looking at it for a while, I faced a problem. To put it simply, I knew not whether it was innocent or something defiled by sin. Of course, I had thoughts concerning these things, but I do not know if I am right or if my thoughts on such things can even be trusted. The problem is one of epistemology: I doubt if I do know or can know such things. Can I be trusted in these matters, or does my sinful nature make me untrustworthy even in these things?
To be safe, I find myself always assuming the second of these two, that I am untrustworthy in such things, and thus I am very cautious to do something if it might possibly end up with me sinning. Of course, even with such caution, I will put myself in situations where I am likely to sin.
Lord, what an untrustworthy fellow I am! But, Lord, You are always trustworthy and honest. Lord, if only I could hear your voice and know your will without the problem of my fallibility and untrustworthiness showing up! If only!
Lord, this is like the problem of interpreting your word. Your word is infallible (in the original sources). But, Lord, my ability to interpret and understand the meaning and message of your word is tainted by the simple fact that it is I who is trying to interpret and understand.
Lord, am I to always be limited and constrained by such doubts and thoughts of my untrustworthiness? Am I to always struggle with the issue of whether or not I can be trusted in some matter?
Lord, please help me.
For Christ's sake,
Amen
Today, as you know, I watched the movie of "The Phantom of the Opera." What an amazing experience that was.
Lord, thank you for enabling humans to make such things of beauty. Of course, the beauty of human products cannot compare to the beauty of Your creation, oh Lord, but still, they can be beautiful. Of course, their beauty can only come from their ability to mimic or represent the beauty which comes from you.
Lord, thank you for making humans capable to experience beauty and also to derive pleasure from it. You bless us, Lord, by letting us notice and enjoy such beauty, whether it be visual, audial, or whatever else. Of course, the beauty of your creation totally fails in contrast to your beauty. Lord, forgive me for often forgetting that, and for placing created things above the Creator, for making idols, and for trying to ignore you, the fountain of living water, and trying to dig my own broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
Let me return to discussing the movie, Lord. ... After I finished watching this movie, Lord, I must admit, I felt quite stirred within. Lord, you know my heart, and you know how watching that movie made me feel quite amorous (not in the sexual sense, as you already know, my Lord; I find I must explain this so that others who might also read this may not be confused.) That is, I was filled with feelings that pointed to love, especially that of the romantic sort.
Lord, how great is that power which movies have to affect emotion and feelings! Lord, I pray that you would help me, regardless of what is affecting my emotions and feelings, to always consider how to best glorify you.
Anyway, as I said above, watching the movie left me feeling quite amorous. And, Lord, as I sat there afterwards, thinking about the movie, I looked within myself and began to analyze such feelings.
I began to think about how, if I were outside of myself, that is, if I were analyzing someone else who was as I was then, I would have wondered if such feelings were simply desires of lust. As you know, Lord, feelings towards love and temptations toward lust can look so very similar. In fact, as you also know, many scientists today look at the incredible similarity here and will simply say that they are one and the same and that any differentiation between what are labelled feelings toward love and what are labelled temptations toward lust is simply mistaken and misguided.
But, Lord, thank you for granting me insight on this matter through the writings of CS Lewis. In one of his essays, "Jack" writes about the problem of transposition; that is, the problem of trying to describe a more complex system by means of a less complex system, such as trying to represent spoken language through written symbols, or trying to draw a 2D picture representing the 3D world.
He notes that any such attempts must be incapable of fully describing the more complex system.
For instance, one example that has been shown in our modern world is to be found in saying and writing the word "dude." Yes, one can write the word, but the simple representation of the English alphabet is incapable of fully describing all the different ways the word can be said. It might be said very long, or it might be said for only half a second. it might be said with a very high pitch, or it might be said with a more bass pitch. It might be said in so many different ways, and yet the written representation only shows one thing.
So, to bring this to the topic at hand, when we try to describe the more complex system that embodies the spiritual and the emotional with the less complex system of a scientific, physicalist viewpoint, we must invariably fail. We will be incapable of describing the difference between feelings toward love and feelings toward lust because, from the point of view of the physical, they are the same. however, when one looks at them from a higher, more complex viewpoint, they are shown to be undeniably different. So we must look at such things not with a physicalist viewpoint, but rather with one that takes into account the emotional and spiritual aspects of a thing.
But, of course, Lord, you know all this.
So, I sat there, looking within, thinking about what exactly this feeling was exactly. Was it innocent, or was it possibly something defiled?
And, after looking at it for a while, I faced a problem. To put it simply, I knew not whether it was innocent or something defiled by sin. Of course, I had thoughts concerning these things, but I do not know if I am right or if my thoughts on such things can even be trusted. The problem is one of epistemology: I doubt if I do know or can know such things. Can I be trusted in these matters, or does my sinful nature make me untrustworthy even in these things?
To be safe, I find myself always assuming the second of these two, that I am untrustworthy in such things, and thus I am very cautious to do something if it might possibly end up with me sinning. Of course, even with such caution, I will put myself in situations where I am likely to sin.
Lord, what an untrustworthy fellow I am! But, Lord, You are always trustworthy and honest. Lord, if only I could hear your voice and know your will without the problem of my fallibility and untrustworthiness showing up! If only!
Lord, this is like the problem of interpreting your word. Your word is infallible (in the original sources). But, Lord, my ability to interpret and understand the meaning and message of your word is tainted by the simple fact that it is I who is trying to interpret and understand.
Lord, am I to always be limited and constrained by such doubts and thoughts of my untrustworthiness? Am I to always struggle with the issue of whether or not I can be trusted in some matter?
Lord, please help me.
For Christ's sake,
Amen
posted by thebrainkid at 6/11/2005 09:47:00 PM
0 comments
Friday, June 10, 2005
On driving...
I can't drive. Nor do I have any particular deire to learn how to drive.
Why, you might ask? Well, there are a number of reasons...
First, I really don't need to drive. If i need to get around, I can walk, or perhaps bike. If these are not possible, then usually I can get someone to drive me. Frankly, I just don't see a need for me to drive.
Second, I don't like how expensive gas is. It just keeps going up and up. In High school, a lot of my friends got cars in order to get around. But then they had to get a job to pay for gas, then they needed their car for their job, etc. It was just a stupid cycle.
Third, I don't like much cars pollute. (This is related to the first point, I suppose.) Of course, since I go to Berkeley, I had to mention this.
To be quite honest, I just don't like gas.
So, what would get me to want to drive? Well, any of the following, I suppose.
First, a good reason to drive. I mean something that I would need to do such that walking or biking or whatever wouldn't be sufficient.
Second, the availability of a very efficient gas vehicle (and I mean really efficient), or of a good non-gas vehicle (such as a hybrid, electric, or maybe a diesel vehicle that i could run with biodiesel).
(I am really interested in non-gasoline technology, especially biodiesel.)
I really don't know of anything else that would make me want to drive.
yeah... ok, that's it... Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Why, you might ask? Well, there are a number of reasons...
First, I really don't need to drive. If i need to get around, I can walk, or perhaps bike. If these are not possible, then usually I can get someone to drive me. Frankly, I just don't see a need for me to drive.
Second, I don't like how expensive gas is. It just keeps going up and up. In High school, a lot of my friends got cars in order to get around. But then they had to get a job to pay for gas, then they needed their car for their job, etc. It was just a stupid cycle.
Third, I don't like much cars pollute. (This is related to the first point, I suppose.) Of course, since I go to Berkeley, I had to mention this.
To be quite honest, I just don't like gas.
So, what would get me to want to drive? Well, any of the following, I suppose.
First, a good reason to drive. I mean something that I would need to do such that walking or biking or whatever wouldn't be sufficient.
Second, the availability of a very efficient gas vehicle (and I mean really efficient), or of a good non-gas vehicle (such as a hybrid, electric, or maybe a diesel vehicle that i could run with biodiesel).
(I am really interested in non-gasoline technology, especially biodiesel.)
I really don't know of anything else that would make me want to drive.
yeah... ok, that's it... Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/10/2005 12:47:00 PM
0 comments
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Another day...
Oh Father in Heaven,
Again, you have blessed me and have allowed me to live for one more day. And what a day it has been. Lord, thank you for that gift of life.
But, Lord, I must admit, I often have a hard time enjoying the life you have given me. It often seems to simply be a long series of sufferings, some sufferings harder to bear than others, but mostly sufferings.
And I recognize that the condition of my life is, from a simple point of view, more comfortable and easier than the lives of many others, such as those who are living in poor nations or those saints who are suffering in jail for the sake of your name. I recognize that you have given me so very much that I do not and cannot deserve. And, Lord, I am thankful for these things, to some extent.
But, Lord, overall, I have a hard time seeing why I should really enjoy this life. I mean, I really can't see how any of this really matters. One day, my life will end, and soon I will be forgotten. Any family I leave behind will also soon go away. Any job I have, anything I did will be but a little ripple in the stream of time, here for a moment and gone the next. Nothing remains...
Nothing except what is done for you. "Only one life, 'Twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last." Oh, how beautiful that truth is! How amazing it is that you are eternal and thus what is done for you is what matters!
And yet, I look at myself, and I cannot help but notice what a failure I continue to be before you, how I fail in being holy as you are holy, how I fail to love others and to love you. Lord, I always get distracted by stupid things, little things, temporal things, even though I recognize that you are important, glorious, and eternal. God, you are amazing beyond belief and comprehension, and these things are shattered in the light of your glory, but I continue to turn to them.
Oh, Lord, please forgive me for all of my failures before you. Forgive me for trying to find satisfaction in the little things of this world and for turning from you.
Please help me to be fruitful for you, to be pleasing to you, despite my weaknesses and failures.
Lord, thank you for the grace that you offer to me, a stubborn sinner completely undeserving of anything from you.
Lord, allow me to also ask this of you: as you help me to not make idols of the things of this world, please help me to find joy in these things properly, as you would have me enjoy them. Help me to enjoy all these things to the glory of you, my God.
Lord, you know all my thoughts, and you know all that I go through. You know how I struggle so hard to try to not find joy in anything in this world. I hear so often that this is wrong, that this is simply the result of Eastern religion, especially Buddhism, influencing me. I hear that you would have me enjoy these things, like TV and games and girls and sexuality and school and friends and whatever else there is under the sun. I hear that all these things are gifts from you.
But, Lord, you know how the tendency of my heart is to try to reject all these things. You know how I would love to be one of these stereotypical monks from the history of the church, giving up all for you. Or perhaps like John the Baptist or one of the other prophets, dedicated only to you.
But, Lord, I know that I am wrong here. Or do I know? Oh, how confusing all of this is!
So, Lord, here I stand before you, undeserving of this spot in your presence, as I am but a failure, a sinner who looks at what he does and sees no reason behind it, and no results. In your body, the church, I'm feel like I'm useless, like an appendix or perhaps the hair on one's toes. Useless. And perhaps a little unsightly and gross, like, oh, iono, stretchmarks.
But now I'm being dumb. Forgive me.
Lord, again, thank you for your grace, and, I pray, please help me to escape this terrible "tediousness of being" and to be fruitful and pleasing to you. May I find joy in this life because i find joy in you.
I pray all of these things in Jesus' name, for Christ's sake,
Amen
Again, you have blessed me and have allowed me to live for one more day. And what a day it has been. Lord, thank you for that gift of life.
But, Lord, I must admit, I often have a hard time enjoying the life you have given me. It often seems to simply be a long series of sufferings, some sufferings harder to bear than others, but mostly sufferings.
And I recognize that the condition of my life is, from a simple point of view, more comfortable and easier than the lives of many others, such as those who are living in poor nations or those saints who are suffering in jail for the sake of your name. I recognize that you have given me so very much that I do not and cannot deserve. And, Lord, I am thankful for these things, to some extent.
But, Lord, overall, I have a hard time seeing why I should really enjoy this life. I mean, I really can't see how any of this really matters. One day, my life will end, and soon I will be forgotten. Any family I leave behind will also soon go away. Any job I have, anything I did will be but a little ripple in the stream of time, here for a moment and gone the next. Nothing remains...
Nothing except what is done for you. "Only one life, 'Twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last." Oh, how beautiful that truth is! How amazing it is that you are eternal and thus what is done for you is what matters!
And yet, I look at myself, and I cannot help but notice what a failure I continue to be before you, how I fail in being holy as you are holy, how I fail to love others and to love you. Lord, I always get distracted by stupid things, little things, temporal things, even though I recognize that you are important, glorious, and eternal. God, you are amazing beyond belief and comprehension, and these things are shattered in the light of your glory, but I continue to turn to them.
Oh, Lord, please forgive me for all of my failures before you. Forgive me for trying to find satisfaction in the little things of this world and for turning from you.
Please help me to be fruitful for you, to be pleasing to you, despite my weaknesses and failures.
Lord, thank you for the grace that you offer to me, a stubborn sinner completely undeserving of anything from you.
Lord, allow me to also ask this of you: as you help me to not make idols of the things of this world, please help me to find joy in these things properly, as you would have me enjoy them. Help me to enjoy all these things to the glory of you, my God.
Lord, you know all my thoughts, and you know all that I go through. You know how I struggle so hard to try to not find joy in anything in this world. I hear so often that this is wrong, that this is simply the result of Eastern religion, especially Buddhism, influencing me. I hear that you would have me enjoy these things, like TV and games and girls and sexuality and school and friends and whatever else there is under the sun. I hear that all these things are gifts from you.
But, Lord, you know how the tendency of my heart is to try to reject all these things. You know how I would love to be one of these stereotypical monks from the history of the church, giving up all for you. Or perhaps like John the Baptist or one of the other prophets, dedicated only to you.
But, Lord, I know that I am wrong here. Or do I know? Oh, how confusing all of this is!
So, Lord, here I stand before you, undeserving of this spot in your presence, as I am but a failure, a sinner who looks at what he does and sees no reason behind it, and no results. In your body, the church, I'm feel like I'm useless, like an appendix or perhaps the hair on one's toes. Useless. And perhaps a little unsightly and gross, like, oh, iono, stretchmarks.
But now I'm being dumb. Forgive me.
Lord, again, thank you for your grace, and, I pray, please help me to escape this terrible "tediousness of being" and to be fruitful and pleasing to you. May I find joy in this life because i find joy in you.
I pray all of these things in Jesus' name, for Christ's sake,
Amen
posted by thebrainkid at 6/09/2005 12:09:00 AM
0 comments
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Interesting times for Linux...
A few things:
- Debian Sarge is out!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
- Apple is switching from PowerPC to Intel. THis might be good news. We shall have to see... Maybe really bad for the linux community... iono
OK, that's all for now... sorry for the geeky interruption... now back to your regularly scheduled programming...
- Debian Sarge is out!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
- Apple is switching from PowerPC to Intel. THis might be good news. We shall have to see... Maybe really bad for the linux community... iono
OK, that's all for now... sorry for the geeky interruption... now back to your regularly scheduled programming...
posted by thebrainkid at 6/07/2005 11:52:00 AM
0 comments
Monday, June 06, 2005
My Carousel...
Here's a trend in my life:
1) be on a spiritual upswing
2) Fall to some temptation of lust
3) get very arrogantly philosophical and theological
4) become super depressed
5) wish for death (well, more than usual)
6) repeat 2-5 a number of times
7) Finally confess and repent of my sin
8) go back to 1
9) Rinse and repeat
-------------
Carousel, by Reality Check
in this world of make believe
my eyes see what I want to see
I'm blinded with the simple lies
so easily I justify
the sin that comes so naturally
is this all that I'll ever be
bring this madness to an end
don't let this cycle start again
it's got me spinning 'round
and I can hardly tell
which way is up or down
on my sin carousel
it's got me out of control
and I want to jump off
somebody stop this ride
I think I've had enough
spinning 'round up and down
but I know it's alright
move ahead falling back
try to leave it behind
seems I've been here before
so familiar I can tell
need your help to get off
of my sin carousel
it's suffice to say I move
because of your great fortitude
so unstable are my feet
they love to make a fool of me
afraid to fall I feel corrupt
and as I drop you pick me up
take me were I've never been
don't let this cycle start again
1) be on a spiritual upswing
2) Fall to some temptation of lust
3) get very arrogantly philosophical and theological
4) become super depressed
5) wish for death (well, more than usual)
6) repeat 2-5 a number of times
7) Finally confess and repent of my sin
8) go back to 1
9) Rinse and repeat
-------------
Carousel, by Reality Check
in this world of make believe
my eyes see what I want to see
I'm blinded with the simple lies
so easily I justify
the sin that comes so naturally
is this all that I'll ever be
bring this madness to an end
don't let this cycle start again
it's got me spinning 'round
and I can hardly tell
which way is up or down
on my sin carousel
it's got me out of control
and I want to jump off
somebody stop this ride
I think I've had enough
spinning 'round up and down
but I know it's alright
move ahead falling back
try to leave it behind
seems I've been here before
so familiar I can tell
need your help to get off
of my sin carousel
it's suffice to say I move
because of your great fortitude
so unstable are my feet
they love to make a fool of me
afraid to fall I feel corrupt
and as I drop you pick me up
take me were I've never been
don't let this cycle start again
posted by thebrainkid at 6/06/2005 08:55:00 PM
0 comments
Settling for the worst/Looking to the Best...
Dear Father in Heaven,
So, let me be quite honest: I have a real big problem with lust.
You know how this problem is one of the defining factors in who I am.
I'm not going to try and make any excuse for myself. Every time I fall to lustful temptations, I consciously decide to do it. I shall have none of this "Oh, it was an accident," garbage. Let me be clear: every time I do it, I am completely in control of my actions.
And, every time, I recognize that it is wrong and yet I continue on to sin. I recognize that my thoughts or actions are an offense to you, the Most High God, and I spit in Your face, choosing to rebel against You and do my own thing.
Lord, Your word tells me how you hate my sin. How you loathe it. How it goes against everything that you are, and how it breaks your heart.
For you, Oh Lord, are perfect in all Your ways. You are perfectly pure, perfectly loving, and perfectly holy. You are powerful, and you are just. You are love, but your Holiness makes you detest, loathe, hate sin. You made all that exists, and you made it all good. But, Lord, we, your creation, chose to rebel against you. I, oh Lord, chose to rebel against you.
Lord, what is it that I turned away from? I rejected a God who loves me with an undying love. I have rejected you, the source of all good things. I have rejected the just claims of a sovereign king.
I turned away from the very best thing: You.
And what is it that I turned towards? I turned towards filth, garbage, refuse. I turned towards things that cannot satisfy, but which leave me broken and empty. I tried to dig my own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
I settled for the very worst.
Oh, Lord, you are the God of all creation, and what was I? I was nothing but a prostitute. I was nothing but a filthy whore who sold myself to whatever presented itself to me.
But, Lord, you provided a way of salvation for me. You sent your Son to the earth. He lived a perfect life, and he endured the shame of the cross.
And for what? Why did He leave His seat in the heavens and make himself nothing?
For a nothing like me.
And you redeemed me and saved me from myself. You made me not only your servant, but also one of your children. You made me a part of your church, your body, your bride.
Lord, You deserve all the thanks and praise that i can offer. You deserve more than that: you deserve me. all of me. Fully devoted to you.
But, Lord, still I find myself whoring myself out to almost every thing that comes along. I ignore you for the beauty that exists in your creation, and I worship it.
And you see me. You watch me as I continue to reject you. And you yell at me, begging me to love you as you love me. You beg for me to give you the worship that you deserve.
And, still, I fall. I fail, and fail, and fail again. I make myself foul and filthy.
Lord, I know what I should do to turn from my ways. I know how I fail you so.
And, just as I have so many times before, Lord, I ask for your forgiveness. I do not deserve your mercy. I deserve nothing but death and eternal shame.
But, still, through Jesus you offer me grace and a fresh chance.
Lord, thank you for you mercies which are new every morning. Indeed, every second of the day.
Lord, please help me to please you. Please help me to forsake all the world has for the sake of pleasing you. Please help me to do your will. Please help me to obey you with all of my life. Please make me useful to you.
Thank you, again, my greatest love.
All these things I ask that you would do for Jesus Christ's sake,
Amen
So, let me be quite honest: I have a real big problem with lust.
You know how this problem is one of the defining factors in who I am.
I'm not going to try and make any excuse for myself. Every time I fall to lustful temptations, I consciously decide to do it. I shall have none of this "Oh, it was an accident," garbage. Let me be clear: every time I do it, I am completely in control of my actions.
And, every time, I recognize that it is wrong and yet I continue on to sin. I recognize that my thoughts or actions are an offense to you, the Most High God, and I spit in Your face, choosing to rebel against You and do my own thing.
Lord, Your word tells me how you hate my sin. How you loathe it. How it goes against everything that you are, and how it breaks your heart.
For you, Oh Lord, are perfect in all Your ways. You are perfectly pure, perfectly loving, and perfectly holy. You are powerful, and you are just. You are love, but your Holiness makes you detest, loathe, hate sin. You made all that exists, and you made it all good. But, Lord, we, your creation, chose to rebel against you. I, oh Lord, chose to rebel against you.
Lord, what is it that I turned away from? I rejected a God who loves me with an undying love. I have rejected you, the source of all good things. I have rejected the just claims of a sovereign king.
I turned away from the very best thing: You.
And what is it that I turned towards? I turned towards filth, garbage, refuse. I turned towards things that cannot satisfy, but which leave me broken and empty. I tried to dig my own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
I settled for the very worst.
Oh, Lord, you are the God of all creation, and what was I? I was nothing but a prostitute. I was nothing but a filthy whore who sold myself to whatever presented itself to me.
But, Lord, you provided a way of salvation for me. You sent your Son to the earth. He lived a perfect life, and he endured the shame of the cross.
And for what? Why did He leave His seat in the heavens and make himself nothing?
For a nothing like me.
And you redeemed me and saved me from myself. You made me not only your servant, but also one of your children. You made me a part of your church, your body, your bride.
Lord, You deserve all the thanks and praise that i can offer. You deserve more than that: you deserve me. all of me. Fully devoted to you.
But, Lord, still I find myself whoring myself out to almost every thing that comes along. I ignore you for the beauty that exists in your creation, and I worship it.
And you see me. You watch me as I continue to reject you. And you yell at me, begging me to love you as you love me. You beg for me to give you the worship that you deserve.
And, still, I fall. I fail, and fail, and fail again. I make myself foul and filthy.
Lord, I know what I should do to turn from my ways. I know how I fail you so.
And, just as I have so many times before, Lord, I ask for your forgiveness. I do not deserve your mercy. I deserve nothing but death and eternal shame.
But, still, through Jesus you offer me grace and a fresh chance.
Lord, thank you for you mercies which are new every morning. Indeed, every second of the day.
Lord, please help me to please you. Please help me to forsake all the world has for the sake of pleasing you. Please help me to do your will. Please help me to obey you with all of my life. Please make me useful to you.
Thank you, again, my greatest love.
All these things I ask that you would do for Jesus Christ's sake,
Amen
posted by thebrainkid at 6/06/2005 08:40:00 PM
0 comments
A good quote
Dating: I think all dating is stupid. I hated dating. I hated the game. Mainly because it worked for everyone else, but not the fat guy with the bad attitude. Then I started playing the game. I won. Yay, dating!
-Scott Ward (from www.boarsheadtavern.com)
-Scott Ward (from www.boarsheadtavern.com)
posted by thebrainkid at 6/06/2005 10:35:00 AM
0 comments
Sunday, June 05, 2005
This is my Father's World.
My friends always post lyrics of songs on their Xangas. (Yes, they use xanga, but it's ok, I'll forgive them...:) ) So, I was thinking, what song lyrics would I like to be on my blog.
This hymn has been in my head for a while now. I really like it. I used to sing it as a kid alot in the Christian school that i went to.
----------
This Is my Father's World, by Maltbie D. Babcock
This is my Father’s world, and to my listening ears
All nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world: I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
His hand the wonders wrought.
This is my Father’s world, the birds their carols raise,
The morning light, the lily white, declare their Maker’s praise.
This is my Father’s world: He shines in all that’s fair;
In the rustling grass I hear Him pass;
He speaks to me everywhere.
This is my Father’s world. O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world: why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
This is my Father’s world, dreaming, I see His face.
I ope my eyes, and in glad surprise cry, “The Lord is in this place.”
This is my Father’s world, from the shining courts above,
The Beloved One, His Only Son,
Came—a pledge of deathless love.
This is my Father’s world, should my heart be ever sad?
The lord is King—let the heavens ring. God reigns—let the earth be glad.
This is my Father’s world. Now closer to Heaven bound,
For dear to God is the earth Christ trod.
No place but is holy ground.
This is my Father’s world. I walk a desert lone.
In a bush ablaze to my wondering gaze God makes His glory known.
This is my Father’s world, a wanderer I may roam
Whate’er my lot, it matters not,
My heart is still at home.
-----------
Also, check out the NameThatHymn blog(link is on the left).
This hymn has been in my head for a while now. I really like it. I used to sing it as a kid alot in the Christian school that i went to.
----------
This Is my Father's World, by Maltbie D. Babcock
This is my Father’s world, and to my listening ears
All nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world: I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
His hand the wonders wrought.
This is my Father’s world, the birds their carols raise,
The morning light, the lily white, declare their Maker’s praise.
This is my Father’s world: He shines in all that’s fair;
In the rustling grass I hear Him pass;
He speaks to me everywhere.
This is my Father’s world. O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world: why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
This is my Father’s world, dreaming, I see His face.
I ope my eyes, and in glad surprise cry, “The Lord is in this place.”
This is my Father’s world, from the shining courts above,
The Beloved One, His Only Son,
Came—a pledge of deathless love.
This is my Father’s world, should my heart be ever sad?
The lord is King—let the heavens ring. God reigns—let the earth be glad.
This is my Father’s world. Now closer to Heaven bound,
For dear to God is the earth Christ trod.
No place but is holy ground.
This is my Father’s world. I walk a desert lone.
In a bush ablaze to my wondering gaze God makes His glory known.
This is my Father’s world, a wanderer I may roam
Whate’er my lot, it matters not,
My heart is still at home.
-----------
Also, check out the NameThatHymn blog(link is on the left).
Labels: hymns
posted by thebrainkid at 6/05/2005 08:52:00 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Some stuff...
Well, here I am, still at home. And, you know what? It hasn't been too bad. Really. It's actually been, well, pretty relaxing, as I suppose a vacation should be. I've been getting a lot of reading done, and a lot of, well, quiet times. Yeah, it hasn't been too bad.
----------------
One of the many books I'm working through right now is C.S. Lewis's The Weight of Glory. It's a collection of essays, and, let me say this: these essays are awesome. For instance, the first one, called The Weight of Glory, has Lewis venturing into and exploring Christian Hedonism. In fact, Piper quotes the first paragraph of this essay in the first chapter of DG. In the next essay, titled Learning in Wartime, Lewis discusses a lot of the things I have been thinking about concerning school. I would go into more detail, but... to be quite honest, I'm still thinking a lot about it myself, having just finished reading it a little while ago. I'm sure the rest of the book will be as high-quality as what I have read so far.
---------------
Let's see if I can name all the books that I have begun reading through since my last final, and which I haven't finished yet:
The Weight of Glory, by CS Lewis
Black, by Ted Dekker (part of the Circle Trilogy)
Every Young Woman's Battle, By Shannon Etheridge and Steven Arterburn
Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, by Eugene Peterson
Jesus Freaks, by DC Talk
...
I'm sure there's more, but i can't think of any more off the top of my head.
Hmm, and, as far as I can remember, the only book that I have started since my last final that I have finished reading through is Every Woman's Battle, by Shannon Etheridge and Steven Arterburn.
---------------
Lordwilling, I will be going out to CityMinistries this Friday. I'm really looking forward to that. Please pray for me, that God would be using me to show His love to the people of SF. Also, please pray that I would serve God faithfully and not have my expectations too high to be disappointed.
As Les said last time, "Participate, don't anticipate." :) heheh
---------------
So, I just want this to be known right now:
Hillsdale mall > Serramonte.
Really. Serramonte has become uninteresting and perhaps even annoying, while Hillsdale is cool. For instance, 1) It has a Lego Store, 2) It is in walking distance of both B&N and Borders, and 3) It has a Crate & Barrel store.
Again, Hillsdale > Serramonte.
---------------
Hmm, what else...
Oh, I've had some interesting thoughts and realizations concerning attraction, love, and whatnot, but... I don't feel like typing them out. Sorry, If you wanna know, you're gonna have to ask me.
---------------
Oooh oooh! Important news:
Debian Sarge is almost here!!!
If you know what that means, then you know why its important.
---------------
Some thoughts on the purpose of school, as a result of a conversation I had with my parents. Maybe I will write that up later.
---------------
Ok, I think I'm running dry of things to write on, or at least either my memory or ability to express ideas is on Screensaver mode right now, so I'll write more later.
----------------
One of the many books I'm working through right now is C.S. Lewis's The Weight of Glory. It's a collection of essays, and, let me say this: these essays are awesome. For instance, the first one, called The Weight of Glory, has Lewis venturing into and exploring Christian Hedonism. In fact, Piper quotes the first paragraph of this essay in the first chapter of DG. In the next essay, titled Learning in Wartime, Lewis discusses a lot of the things I have been thinking about concerning school. I would go into more detail, but... to be quite honest, I'm still thinking a lot about it myself, having just finished reading it a little while ago. I'm sure the rest of the book will be as high-quality as what I have read so far.
---------------
Let's see if I can name all the books that I have begun reading through since my last final, and which I haven't finished yet:
The Weight of Glory, by CS Lewis
Black, by Ted Dekker (part of the Circle Trilogy)
Every Young Woman's Battle, By Shannon Etheridge and Steven Arterburn
Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, by Eugene Peterson
Jesus Freaks, by DC Talk
...
I'm sure there's more, but i can't think of any more off the top of my head.
Hmm, and, as far as I can remember, the only book that I have started since my last final that I have finished reading through is Every Woman's Battle, by Shannon Etheridge and Steven Arterburn.
---------------
Lordwilling, I will be going out to CityMinistries this Friday. I'm really looking forward to that. Please pray for me, that God would be using me to show His love to the people of SF. Also, please pray that I would serve God faithfully and not have my expectations too high to be disappointed.
As Les said last time, "Participate, don't anticipate." :) heheh
---------------
So, I just want this to be known right now:
Hillsdale mall > Serramonte.
Really. Serramonte has become uninteresting and perhaps even annoying, while Hillsdale is cool. For instance, 1) It has a Lego Store, 2) It is in walking distance of both B&N and Borders, and 3) It has a Crate & Barrel store.
Again, Hillsdale > Serramonte.
---------------
Hmm, what else...
Oh, I've had some interesting thoughts and realizations concerning attraction, love, and whatnot, but... I don't feel like typing them out. Sorry, If you wanna know, you're gonna have to ask me.
---------------
Oooh oooh! Important news:
Debian Sarge is almost here!!!
If you know what that means, then you know why its important.
---------------
Some thoughts on the purpose of school, as a result of a conversation I had with my parents. Maybe I will write that up later.
---------------
Ok, I think I'm running dry of things to write on, or at least either my memory or ability to express ideas is on Screensaver mode right now, so I'll write more later.
posted by thebrainkid at 6/01/2005 10:51:00 AM
0 comments
Hymns
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