asking for help and advice...

Hello, all!
(or, to be all Pauline and stuff, "To the saints in berkeley and scattered elsewhere:
Grace and peace to you all!")

Well, I'm writing this at about 5 in the morning, when i should be studying for a physics midterm i have tomorrow (well, later today, technically). Before i get to the actual subject matter of this letter, please allow me to just describe where i am mentally at the moment.

I have been studying all day, almost, and i took a break a while ago to just get my thoughts clear on some stuff. I read through all of ecclesiastes earlier today, and of course doing so got my head turning about the meaning behind what i do. So, as I was studying for my midterm, i kept feeling a growing sense that what i was doing was completely pointless, or if not completely, then very close to being pointless.

Now, as i took this break, i just took some time to reflect on how i got into this situation. Not just of studying physics, but also of being a student here at berkeley, of being in a major that i felt wasn't the best way for me to glorify God. I thought about the entire leadership selection process from AACF, and I thought about stuff I've heard in church recently and read online in the Christian blogosphere.

And i reflected on what a horrible sinner i am, and how i feel so very useless. I looked at how i am held back by lust, pride, too much concern for how people see me, not enough concern for how ppl see me, and whatever else i had on my mind.

I thought about how people left and right are trying to tell me what i should be or what i would be good at. Ppl telling me i should be a dentist, an engineer, a cook, a pastor, a teacher, whatever.

And, so i prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And this wasn't one of those stuck up, fake prayer either. I was trying to be completely honest before God and before myself. I swear, i almost cried a few times, but i didn't, since i knew that the tears would have been fake, with me just trying to make myself seem more broken before the one who i cannot fool.

and i asked God, what should i do? What am i supposed to do about major, future career, and even the everyday life. And instantly i had one word just pop into my head: evangelize.

And i thought about my failure to evangelize currently, and my previous attempts at really evangelizing.

Now, i think i've talked with many of you who are now reading this about my previous thoughts about evangelism, and I'm sure that not a small number of you know of my previous, singular attempt to do open air "screaming your head off at sproul" evangelism.

And, as i prayed more and more, i realized that i really enjoyed and relished that experience, of being the freak screaming in sproul. And i realized that that was something that really fit my personality, my tendency to do strange things and be different, to go against the flow.

I thought about how ppl say i should become a pastor because i know a lot of stuff, and how i always respond by saying that i don't see myself as being morally good enough to be a pastor and thus a big role model, how i say i couldn't be a very good leader. But i also thought about how i really like to teach people about Christianity and about the gospel, even though there are times when i get overly intellectual with it.

i thought about how i wanted to help people, and how i wanted to find a purpose in what i did.

And somehow, it all kept coming back to that one time of open air evangelism.

So, there i was, staring at this big, monstrous thing. I thought about how i am a loud individual, or at least talkative at times (although i would probably call myself a shy person). I thought about how i like to teach. i thought about how i know a heckuva lot of stuff, perhaps sometimes too much for my own good. I thought about how i wanted purpose and some way to really serve God.

and one image: screaming my head off in sproul, looking like a complete fool, talking about finding purpose in life and how it only comes in serving God, and how we are only enabled to do so through Jesus by grace. Being sick, tired, profoundly self-conscious about how stupid i looked. How no one really seemed to listen, except ppl i knew and christians who thought i might be bringling shame to the name of christ. How i talked about it with others afterwards and had to fight really hard to not get all proud and stuff.

And i looked at that image and i thought, i want to do that again.

So, here i am, asking all of you who are reading this, for your help and advice.

First, your advice: what do you think? is open air evangelism effective, especially in the culture we live in, which is magnified to the point of absurdity here in berkeley? Do people really listen? Does open air really bring glory to God, or might it bring shame to His name? and should i try it again?

Now, i think you guys really know me. You know how i can be full of crap, utter crap, at times, and you know how i can be honest about the stuff i am goin gthrough. You know about how i have been feeling , what i have been going through, etc. So, i really would like to know what you guys think.

Also, i ask for your help. in hebrews 10:24-25, it says "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near."

So i pray, please replay to me. Email me, IM me, talk with me, whatever. Just please encourage me to do what is right in this case. And please help me to figure out what is right. (actually, please encourage me to do right in all cases and in all things!)

and, maybe, if i do decide to do this, if you would like to help, tell me that too!

ok, that's it for now.

-pons

(btw, sorry for any spelling mistakes)