On physical attraction and love...

So, I'm now at home in Pacifica. Let's see if I can be useful here, instead of being useless like usual.

...

So, recently, I have been feeling kinda ... well, let me say under the weather. I'm not sick though. Well, not exactly...

So, as I have mentioned before, I have been dealing with the fact that I find myself with what appears to be a crush on a certain someone. This is kinda annoying.

So, I don't know exactly how to classify this feeling that I have, but it is really affecting how I have been feeling and acting. Well, let me explain it this way:

You know how the world describes what it is like to be in love? You know, you find it hard to breathe; you can't get your mind off that person, or maybe you can't get your mind on anything else; you find yourself all self-conscious around that person; and all that? Man, I totally find myself feeling like that. It's like... it's like I have some sort of disorder or something, with all these recurring and seemingly unavoidable symptoms.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I hate feeling this way. I mean, I really find all of this interesting. All I can say is that I cannot say this is love, for love is commitment, and I know not if I can be committed to Person A, for to be quite honest, I don't know if I can trust myself. This, above all else, is the problem. I have the feelings, no doubt about it, and I would like to be committed to her, but I see myself as only an untrustworthy individual. I don't know if I could be committed to her growth, spiritual maturity, and purity in a deeper relationship.

(Maybe I'll write something later on my general lack of trust in myself. I mean, this is the problem behind all these girl problems, behind the reasons I don't see myself as being a very good teacher, why I couldn't be a pastor, etc. We'll see..)

Well, let me say that I am thankful to Person A for putting up with my silliness and stupidity in general. All of this stuff is messing with me, and, well, its a hassle. I would like some ending to all of this, whether it be love or just ... whatever.

But, yeah, I pray that God would just bring an end to all of these things. He knows what I would like, and I know that he is faithful to me and to Himself. So, in all of these things, may he be glorified. May I be used as His tool and as a part of His body. May I find my greatest love focused on him, for I am a member of His church, His bride. And may I be faithful to Him, above all else. And may all these things be true for Person A.

In Jesus' Name,
AMEN