Ok, so I've taken some time to look at why I am so often in a state of frustrated depression. (You know, sometimes, I think a better term would be "frustrated realism," but I can talk about that some other time.)

So, I guess it all boils down to purpose, even above the actual situations I encounter. I mean, sometimes things are going great; other times, things are pretty bad. But, above all of that, I don't see how much of this is meaningful. Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I forced to do what I do?

Is pleasure the purpose behind action? Should hedonism (of, as Piper would put it, "Christian Hedonism") guide my actions, my life? Well, there's a problem: I don't find any of this particularly pleasurable.

I was thinking about it, and I can only see this earthly life as a collection of sufferings. Things can be bad, and things can be worse. Thus, I long for death. I do not long for death as an end in itself, but rather I long for death in that, for a Christian, it is a passing from this world of suffering to the realm of heaven.

Life is suffering. For instance, I am in school. Why am I in school? Heck, iono! Is it to make life better? Well, better in what way? Is it to increase the quantity of life, or improve the quality of life? Well, if quantity, remember: I don't like life; More life only means more suffering, and I want it to end as quickly as possible.

Well, then, how about quality? Is all this supposed to make life more enjoyable, or at least less sorrowful? I don't see how this all does make life more enjoyable. I mean, it might make life less sorrowful, but... I just don't see the connection there.

What am I supposed to look forward to in life? What brings it meaning?

IS meaning and purpose to be found in a good, high paying job? How could it be? I look at that and see only a lot of hard work, with only money as my reward. And, as they say, money can't buy happiness.

Is meaning and purpose to be found in a good family, a loving wife and loving children? Well, if it is, I don't have a wife nor have I children at the moment, and I don't know of anything I can do that would put me in a path towards having a family. Perhaps God will bless me with a family someday? Well, I don't know if he will, and I don't know why I should hope that he will. I mean, it is quite possible that he would just leave me "blessed" with singleness for the rest of my life.

For me right now, life is full of suffering. Sure, my life is better off than the lives of others, but my life is still full of suffering.

What do I look forward to? Heaven, and the end of this suffering.

Let me be frank here; this is what I believe: Life is full of suffering, and Heaven is without suffering. In order to get to heaven, you must persevere in your faith, which means enduring the suffering of life. One should not expect life to be great and full of happiness, because only heaven is great and full of happiness; life is full of suffering, and hell is filled with absolute suffering. One should not hope to be happy in life, because that isn't promised by God. All he promises is that life is filled with experiences to make you holy, and that heaven will be amazing. All one can hope for is heaven, and, well, a short life.

It's like Paul's analogy of the race. When you're running the race, your side may hurt and you will be out of breath and all this other stuff. Sure, you might find some slight comfort in a sip of water during the race, or a cool breeze. But, above all else, the race is hard, long, and tiring. You shouldn't focus on the sips of water, or the breezes of wind, or whatever else. You should focus only on the prize that awaits the winner of the race. Also, as I look at it, you can hope that the track is short rather than long.

Thus, I hope in heaven, and I hope that it comes soon. I hope this race will be short, and that I will reach the goal and win the prize soon.

(I don't understand the appeal of promises in the Bible that, if you follow some command, your life will be long. I don't know why I would want that. I would much rather have life be short.)

I have a hard time enjoying life, and thus I have a hard time thanking God. I am just left frustrated, hoping and praying that he will end this all really soon.