Some Thoughts...

You know, it's hard for, trying to find something to be happy about.

I'll stop, and take a look at my future. I see all these things I would love to have: a loving family, with a beautiful wife and wonderful children. Or how about a good way to serve other people, a way that will not just help them in the short term, but in the long term too? Maybe I could be a pastor or something. Or, at the very least, a way to live so that I don't harm others by my actions?

And, as I sit here, I can't think of anything else I really care about. I mean, I don't really care if I get a big house, a nice car, a well-paying job, or whatever. Those things really don't matter to me. All I care about is that I would be able to love God and love others. And I think these things would give me some meaning for going through whatever experiences and circumstances I find myself going through, whether good times or bad. These things give meaning to life, and only these things give meaning to life.

But, as I sit back and think about it more, I don't know how this future is at all attainable. I don't see how anything I'm doing right now in college leads to me being able to make a lasting impact in someone's life. I don't know if God will ever bless me with a girlfriend, let alone a wife, let alone a family. In fact, I don't really expect Him to give me any of those things.

Well, then, what do I see in this life ahead of me? Well, since I don't see how those things are attainable, I just see a life full of meaningless toil, of frustration, and of pain and suffering. And, after that, I will die, and be with God in Heaven.

And, so, with that all in mind, here I stand, hoping every day that God would just spare me from this crap and let me just die, so that i can be with Him sooner.

I don't have hope in life. I don't expect to find some way to make it meaningful. I just see it as long and difficult. I don't see how I am really helping people, I don't really know what to do so that I could help people with my life. I don't see how this life is pleasing to God, other than perhaps, maybe, he likes seeing me suffer.

But, no, that can't be. He loves me.

Well, then, why won't he just let me die already?

I know what you're thinking. You want to say that I am being dumb, and that i should struggle and seek after these things that I would like to have. Well, I've thought that too. But, as I think about it, I don't see how I can. Or, at least, I don't see how I can pursue these things and still help others. If I pursue a girlfriend, a meaningful job, or whatever, I would be harming someone else or letting someone down. I mean, I would hate to have someone I love, like a GF or wife, or maybe children, I would hate to see them having to be burdened by me. To have to deal with all this crap that I struggle to deal with every day.

I mean, think about it: would you ever want someone you loved to be stuck with someone who is pessimistic, frequently depressed, and generally useless? Would you want them to have to live with that person, trying to help him through that crap, while trying to stay mentally and emotionally stable themselves? Would you like to see your sister, your daughter, or even yourself with this burden? Or how about a whole big group? Would you wish a pessimistic, frustrated pastor upon a church? Would you like them to have to deal with that crap? I think not.

Right now, i am thinking of two friends of mine. One of them was pretty emotionally unstable, and she saw my other friend as stable or whatever, so she began to rely on him. Pestering him. Bothering him. And, I saw this "stable" friend going through pain, hurt, anger, and frustration as he tried to help her. He really wanted to help her; he did. But, the struggle of trying to help her really wore him down. Really made him unstable at times.

You think I want to bother someone like that too? Hell no. I would hate for others to be burdened down by me, by this crap that I am trying to deal with.

So, here I am, stuck. I can't seem to get myself out of depression and this futile life by myself, and I would hate to bother someone else and distract them from other things. I can only turn to God.

Father, please pull me out of this miry pit and please plant me on some solid rock, so that I would be able to please you as I try to live life loving you and loving others. It all seems so useless right now, and I am stuck. So, I pray, please help me get out of this useless life, whether it be by geting rid of the uselessness or by getting rid of the life. Because, well, I am stuck, and you're the only one who can help me here.

So, please help me.

For Jesus' sake, AMEN