wandering aimlessly...

Dear God,

So, I was bored at home, so I came to Berkeley.

Now I'm bored in Berkeley. yay.

I don't really see any particular reason to go anywhere at the moment or to do anything. I would like to take a walk, but I don't know where I would be going, so I would just wander aimlessly. Perhaps I could go to a store, but I really don't need to buy anything.

So, here I sit, in my computer chair, not really doing anything except write this.

It's kinda funny, b/c as I write this, I'm listening to the song "Something More" by Ginny Owens:

"There's gotta be something more than running circles for a living,
Gotta be something more than just trying to survive,
Gotta be some important puzzle piece that I am missing,
Gotta be something more... to life."

God, as I sit here writing this, I can't help but wonder: Did jesus ever feel like this? Did he ever just sit somewhere, without anything to do? I really can't see that as being true, but... i dunno.

It feels like this is the core of life as i know it. Sure, at other times, I will do things, like going to class, or doing homework. But, why? I mean, what do they achieve? Is there any reason for me to do those things?

So, Lord, here I sit. Typing up this... confession to you.

God, I am so tired of this tedium of life. Is this what life is supposed to be like?

I had lunch with billy a few hours ago, and he mentioned something interesting. he talked about how I am always talking about looking forward to death, about how I don't see purpose in most of the things I do. he talked about how I was being selfish in wanting death, and how we have to go out and do things to create our own purpose. I dunno, something just doesn't sound right there.

Actually, now that I think about it, there are a lot of things that I consider important and purposeworthy. It just happens to be the case, though, that much of what I consider important, society and the people around me don't consider them all too important.

For instance, I find much meaning when I am fellowshipping with people in my church, or in AACF.

I love to teach small group, and to help people learn, although I must admit that I am not the best at teaching or at making things clear.

I love to help out in Cityministries on friday nights, serving and praying for the homeless.

I love reading about issues and controversies in Christianity, like all this stuff about reformed theology, or the emergent church.

I love reading about and understanding other denominations and branches of the church, that I might find what is true in them and what is wrong in them and in what i believe.

I love studying how culture, politics, mainstream religions, and Christianity all collide. It's important to see how the government, or the media, or large corporations, or whoever else, all will do things that are wrong and how they might exploit Christians into accepting what they do as wrong. it's important to see how we as Christians, the church of God, can possibly change the society around us.

All these things I love, and probably more stuff too, that I can't remember at the moment. But most of these things are considered unimportant by others.

You know all these things already Lord, and I thank you for knowing me so intimately as you do. But please allow me to continue, so that perhaps I might help others and maybe that you would use others to help me. May all of what I say be pleasing to you.

So, many of those things are considered unimportant by others. But what do they consider important?
- doing well in school, so that one can get a good job and get lots of money, so you can buy a big house (or two) and a nice car and whatever else.
- impressing others, though appearance and actions, so that they think well of you, and so that you are made to look great.
- impressing others of the opposite sex, through appearance and actions, so that you might get a good girlfriend or wife or whatever, and thus that you might have kids, that they might also do these things

Why are such things important? They would say, "well, because that's how the world works, and you need to fit into the world... blah blah blah"

That's dumb. I don't like the way the world works, and I don't want to support this system.


Why are these things so important? Sure, I would like to be relatively well-to-do, and to have a good wife, and be able to support my kids. But I want to be able to show my kids, and others around me, the problems with the way things are right now.

I want to live with eternity in mind, and not be so focused on things here and now.

And, yeah, sure I long to have a good wife, and good kids, and whatever. If God supports that process, then I will go along with that. But, more than that, I long to be dead. To die, and be gone from this tedium of life, and to be with you, my God, in Heaven.

People say not to worry about death, that it will happen and there's nothing that we can do about it. But I find myself on the other side. I look forward to, long for death. How interesting.

I guess its because I don't see anything for me here on earth. Sure, there are pleasures to be had, but more and more, as I go on in this life, I find myself enjoying such pleasures in ways that are sinful and which are against you, my Lord. And I don't really see myself as getting better, nor do I see myself as very able to change. And so I just see me, a failure before you and before others, and stuck in this condition. If others don't see my failure, then one day they will be let down. And if they do see my failure, then they would shun me.

God, I'm so tired. I want this all to end. Everything just seems to be getting worse and worse. Or rather, I seem to be getting worse and worse.

See, Lord, now I'm crying. That would mean something, but I cannot help but think that this is only temporary, that these feelings won't change things, and that I'll continue to be enslaved to my own will. I'll fail you, Lord, and I will fail others.

And, God, I don't wanna let you or others down. You love me so much, but I just spit in your face and continue to whore myself out again and again. Thus, I am wary of relationships with members of the opposite sex, b/c I don't trust that I can act in a holy manner. I am wary of living in a way that looks like the way that others live, b/c I am pretty sure that I would end up making an idol of my possessions or whatever, and thus taking my focus off of you.

(Of course, if I were someone else analyzing someone saying all of this, I would say that they're just making themselves out to be a victim, and that they just need to change their ways and their attitude. But there's the problem, Lord; I am exceedingly wicked, and I don't think I can change this.)

I wonder, Did Jesus ever long for death? Did he ever look forward to being done with life on earth? That seems so weird of a question, but... i dunno. This is just me being stupid again, God.

But if he didn't ever have nothing to do, and if he never longed for death, then what was the reason for not being that way? And how might I develop that in me?

God, all of these comments and confessions and cogitations are simply the wandering of my mind, aimless, looking for something important.

But, as for now, let me just serve you and please you, not by my own power, b/c I am useless, but by the power of the Holy Spirit. Lord, let that be my goal above everything else.

In Jesus' name,
Amen