God,

I gotta admit: I still feel like dying.

I dunno... Ppl are always telling me that I shouldn't feel like this. However, I haven't really heard a good reason to not feel like this.

I mean, most ppl keep telling me that I shouldn't be so focused on death because such a focus keeps me from enjoying things in life. And I keep saying that I don't really see what there is in life that is worthy of being focused on and being enjoyed. Which is not to say that there aren't things in life that I enjoy; I enjoy a lot of things, and I thank you, God, for letting me enjoy them. But, still, in general, life is pretty sucky.

I have heard one person say that I shouldn't be focused on death and shouldn't be depressed because that would take away from my ability to witness to others. Well, in response to that, I just say that I am being real, and that I would hate to attract people to some religion by BSing about how great I feel. No, I will be real and honest, within the context of love.

So, no real good reasons to not focus on death. Not that I really see it as being within my power to change my mood.

But what I will do is try to find joy in God, and to love Him with all I am. In loving Him, I will love others. But still, like Paul in Phil 1, I still see death as gain and as very much better.

So, Lord, help me to love you and to love others, but still, let me be real and say I want to die.

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God, please help my friend. You know who I am talking about at the moment. Please help her to look to you with love, that she might find her joy in you. Help her to focus on you and not on stupid stuff.

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On that note, help me to love you and focus on you and not stupid stuff too, b/c I focus on stupid crap way too much.

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God, I was thinking about this the other day:

I don't know if I wrote this here or somewhere else, but a lot of my theology is quite similar to that of DeeDee Warren. However, she is a post-mill preterist, while I am more of an amill preterist.

Iono, I guess I just don't have a very optimistic view of the future. I simply see this world as being really jacked up, which is why I think amill is more likely than postmill. But, of course, you are powerful enough to do what you want. But, still, I don't see postmill as very likely.

I guess this fits in with alot of what I think about how the world works. I just see things as pretty freaking crappy, and they're just gonna get worse. I don't really have hope for the future of this world, but rather I have my hope in the redemption of your people in the next world, while this world is obliterated.

And this is on a much smaller scale too. I don't really see my life as getting any better, but rather expect it to just keep getting worse and worse. And I don't see anything that is indicating otherwise.

i dunno. If I am wrong, please correct me.
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I have more to say, but I need to talk to a friend right now. Please help her.
In Jesus Name,
Amen