Dear Heavenly Father,

These last few days have been quite a ride. Thank you.

Some things I have realized:
1) I actually am joyful a lot. Life is sometimes very fun, and very enjoyable. And at those times, I don't feel very depressed at all.
2) When I do get depressed, I really get depressed. When my mood begins to fall, it plummets.
3) Some things that can possibly get me out of depression are hanging out with friends, taking long walks at night, taking long prayer walks, and, well, blogging.
4) some things that can get me into depression include too much or too little social interaction, falling to sexual temptation, thinking about the future and any plans I might have, and, well, blogging.

I suppose one way to look at it would be to say that my mood is digital, not analog; that is, there really isn't a continuous range of mood for me, just two or three discrete levels among which I jump back and forth.

Anyway, like I said, these last few days have been pretty good; weel, relatively good, at least. But, Father, i must admit, I am feeling down again. Not so bad as I have in the past, but still pretty bad.

God, Father, Lord: why am I still here? Why do you continue to give me life?

I mean, I'm not accomplishing much. I'm completely unnecessary in your creation. Anything that I'm doing could be done by others, and probably much better than I'm doing them now. I'm not really necessary in this big machine. Yeah, sure, I suppose I can make a difference, but I'm by no means the best tool for these jobs.

Well, actually, there are some things that only I can do. However, most of those things aren't desirable. Like, I can bother others, get other people depressed, etc. I get ppl concerned with me and with other trivial matters when they should be focusing on more important things.

So, I'm not really necessary, and I screw everything up quite a lot. I'm serious: just get rid of me, please.

I mean, I'm not gonna act like I don't enjoy anything at all. Like I said, God, there are definitely times that I do fnd my joy in this life in You.

But it seems like that's more the exception than the rule. Also, I don't really see how my joy (or lack thereof) realy matters with the fact that I'm not really needed.

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hmm, one other thing that I notice is that, concerning the good things I see that need to get done, either I'm not very competent in doing them, or in doing them I would probably alienate myself from those around me, and that would make the actions relatively useless.

Like, for instance, I notice the fact that our culture is doing a really crappy job of being stewards of this world, your creation. We pollute the world like crazy, and just make a mess of all of this. I would love to do what I think would be best, and to live that way, but if I did so, I suppose I would look crazy to all those around me. If it were up to me, I would love to live totally sustainably. I suppose I would bike everywhere, grow my own food, and whatever else.

But, what would be the point? I mean, in doing so, everyone I know would treat me like I'm crazy. I wouldn't fit into this society, and... i dunno.

I suppose I sound a lot like a hippie right now. That bothers me, sorta. I mean, I would rather not be seen as a hippie or whatever, but even more so than that I would like to not care about whether or not someone thought I was weird or a hippie or whatever.

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God, what do I do? I feel like i'm either stuck with being totally ineffective in my life, or to living a life where I am effective, sorta, but in which I would be totally unable to interact with people like I do now. And I would probably be depressed because of that.

God, how I wish i could just take that step and be crazy. Absofrigginglutely out of my mind. So that I would be able to live what I perceive to be the right way to live without any concern for what others think. To not be concerned with what's "socially acceptable" but rather to just be a freak. A Jesus freak.

Father, i dunno. people keep telling me that I need to relate to people and live as your disciple in the culture and society that I live in. But, to be quite honest, I don't like the society we live in. I think that to live in this society, to accept it as the way it is, would be wrong. But I'm completely unable to do anything to change things.

Or, rather, unable to change things as I live the way that I do now. But to live differently would make me freaking crazy. Perhaps it would alienate me from my friends, and concern and sadden my parents.

God, I have no idea where my life is going. But I'm completely unable to change the course of my life. It seems everything is controlled by my parents, my friends, the culture and society in which I live, and... argggghhh.

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A little ditty:

I don't know where I'm going,
And I'm not sure who I am;
But, Father, please guide my steps
As I hang onto your Hand.

Everyone around me tells me
that this must be my fate:
work 9-5, in a cookie-cutter life
Stuck in suburbia. Oh, great.

God, I don't know what it is
that makes me so strange,
to want to live so different,
to seem almost deranged.

Lord, I don't think I can be normal;
I can't live that way
that everyone else is living
from day to day to day.

God, I want to make a difference,
my life an extraordinary one,
Like Aimee and Mother Theresa,
or one of the Martins, either one.

I'm sure there's still more
That I could write and say,
But I'm getting tired and hungry
And I can't think of any more rhymes.

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God, please continue to guide my path. thank you for your blessings. May all of this come out of a love for you and be for your glory.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen