depressed thoughts...

Well, whether or not I am "over my depression", once again I find myself in the state which I refer to as "being depressed." So, since I am in this state, I wanted to analyze the thoughts I find myself having. So, here we go:

What is the place of happiness in a Christian's life? Because, at the current moment, I find myself unhappy. Can one be unhappy and yet still thankful and grateful before God?

To what extent should a Christian focus on or seek being happy? Because it seems that most of the times I try to be happy, or put myself into a situation that brings happiness, I fail to achieve that happiness. Indeed, sometimes, the pursuit of happiness leads me to choosing to fall to temptation.

God is not necessarily concerned for our happiness; rather, in His love, he is concerned for our well-being and for what's best for us; and his concern for our well-being and what's best for us is a concern that we glorify and please Him.

So, why should we be so concerned with our happiness when He isn't? We should focus first and foremost on pleasing Him and making Him happy...

Why? Because to do otherwise would be bad for us.

Well, in what way? How would doing otherwise be bad for us? Well, to be virtuous is what pleases God, and he knows what is best for us, and wants that for us.

Well, what does that mean to me? How does doing what is best for me, well, good for me? What do I get out of it? Well, what they say is that you will be happy and useful.

Wait, hold up, what the hell? You're telling me that I need to do what is right in order to be happy, and here I am trying to do what's right, and I find myself unhappy quite often. Hmm, I don't see how what you're saying in any way correlates to reality, as I experience it.

Well, why is being happy important? Why should you care about being happy?

I ... I ... I don't know.

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Hmm, I don't know where to go with that, so...

I dunno. It feels like I should just stop trying to be happy. I mean, why is it important to be happy?

If being happy is important so that we can love God and be thankful and grateful, then why shouldn't I go out and try to be happy?

Well, many say I should, and I do try. But, like I said above, when I try, I seem to fail most of the time. It seems the world is set up so that I can't be happy.And I don't expect the rest of my life to be better: just a longer chain of disappointments and failures.

And, I know, I know, that to die would make me happy. I would be made perfect and I would be with God. And that hella rocks.

But, no, He's keeping me here, "blessing" me every day with another day to live, miserably. So, I kinda have a hard time giving thanks to God for keeping me from what would make me happiest.

I mean, I recognize that I don't deserve any of what I have and all that, but that doesn't mean that I should be happy that I have it. I mean, its like I'm a kid with some weird bone disorder that makes it painful to live. Yeah, sure, maybe some days are less painful than others, but... it would be just stupid to try to convince the kid that " You should be happy! You know, you don't deserve to have the gift of that bone disorder; its a blessing from God! And, you know, not everyone is blessed enough to have your disorder! So, be thankful!"

Now, can you visualize this little kid cussing out the idiot who tried telling him this?

Well, maybe the reason happiness is important is not related to being thankful and stuff. Well, then, how is happiness important?

Why is being happy important? Well, what if it isn't?

Well, that sucks, because it seems that the pursuit of happiness is hardwired into our brains and bodies, so that we seek to do something in order to have a chemical release in our brain in this area or that area. It's like this body is a prison, where we're forced to do meaningless crap until we die. If being happy isn't important, and our bodies are wired to search for happiness, then.. Boy, I sure do want to be free of this earthly tent and be in the new body God will give me.

So, that's kinda where I find myself, with these thoughts:
1) Why is happiness important?
2) If it is important, then why can't I be happy? And if it isn't important, why can't I be free of a desire for happiness?
3) Boy, I sure do look forward to death, and for the new life in Christ.

So, what are solutions here?
1) Figure out how to be happy.
2) Figure out how to stop caring about being happy.
3) Die.

Hmm, the second one sounds very Buddhist, and I can't see what's wrong with it.
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Lord, I find myself living a relatively miserable life. When I try to be happy, it seems you won't let me be happy. But, you do give me those short periods of happiness. And for those I am grateful. Thank you. But, overall, I just want it all to end. My life is in your hands. Be glorified in me, please. In Jesus' Name,
Amen