... you know what the worst thing is?

Usually, I am pretty happy when around other people. or at least I have trained myself to act this way.

Well, it really really sucks when my depression gets so bad that even being around other people won't pull me out of it. Worse yet, there are times when being around people exacerbate the problem.

Man. I wish I could just be happy. I wish that I sould be happy, and stay happy.

Is this even possible?

I wish I didn't get so frigging lonely so often. My loneliness is kicking the crap out of me, and sucking away a lot of my power.

And it doesn't help to have issues going on between you and a good friend. Just one less person to talk to. And I can't do crap to alleviate the situation. It just seems that i'm destined to lose friends.

If only it were as easy as turning to God for help. But, sadly, I find that whenever i try to find happiness in God, that happiness, like all the others, just lasts for a short while, then I feel crappy again.

(exhales sorrowfully)

see, that's the thing too. I try to find some catharsis in writing here. but I don't know if it helps.

I'm not very athletic, so trying to get happy playing sports just gets me frustrated and depressed.

And, every day, I go to sleep, knowing that the next day will just be more of the same. Sure, some of the details will change. But it all seems to be the same.

I wish something could change. But, no, it looks like I am stuck in this system forever. Schoolwork, job work, whatever.

...

You know, I was thinking about it the other day. What I really need is a reason to do all this. I mean, some reason that I need to do whatever because I am the only one who can do it.

But, is there some special little thing that makes me special that I somehow contribute to the world? If there is, I can't find it.

I think that one thing that would work would be for me to have a child. I mean, in that case, I would be the only person that could be that kid's father. But, no, that doesn't look likely for me at all.

Nope. You know why? Because I'm me. I'm fat, slow, arrogant, mean, socially awkward, a little crazy(hell who am I kidding - a lot crazy), unspiritual, depressed, pessimistic, relatively useless, quick to judge, quick to complain, lacking in self-control, blah blah blah blah blah. How in the hell will I ever manage to convince someone to love me?

...

Sometimes, i am so very tempted to just lie in bed all day. To never get up, to never try. I mean, all I am doing is wandering around aimlessly. I don't see any destination. I don't see any clear path to follow. And, thus, I'm not really getting anywhere.

Everything is so monotonous and boring.

I think someone said i'm supposed to have "joy." Well, what the hell is "joy?" can someone plese explain to me what "joy" is? Because, as far as I can tell, I don't have anything that could be called joy. All I have is a life that goes on and on and on, with little bits of enjoyment every once in a while, but mostly monotony and boredom.

Is there something that i should be doing? If there is, i can't find it.

And, I feel like Job. Now, I know that Job's life was completely messed up, and my situation is relatively good compared to his. But, still, I feel like life is just a struggle, with no real meaning behind it. God could make things better, or he could at least end the suffering and just let me die. But, no, he makes me continue to endure this crap.

He makes me endure my loneliness. he makes me endure the pressures from society to live in mediocrity. He makes me endure the overwhelming pressures of the chemicals and hormones and whatever in my body, and he doesn't offer any way to satisfy these pressures from my body. it's like he's making me hungry, but withholding food.

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God, what's the point of all this? What does any of this achieve? Where is any of this going?
God, I want to follow. I want to trust you. I want to hope that you have something good coming out of all this. But I don't see anything. I don't see crap.
I mean, yeah, eventually I will get to heaven, and all will be happy and good. But, then again, I could just kill myself, and get there sooner, right? And what would I lose? A boring, long, frustrating, depressing life. And what does the world lose? Not much. It's not like I'm contributing anything.
God, I'm following you here. I don't know why. It's not easy. And I don't see how any happiness comes out of this. I don't see how anything important comes out of this either.
All I can see is that you are trying to make me obedient and in total misery and pain.
I don't know what's going on. But I want to follow you.
Please don't let me down.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen