What life looks like to me:
I can't find lasting happiness in anything. If I do bad and sin, I feel good for a while, then feel sucky. If I do good, I feel good for a while, then feel sucky.

Even with God, I can't seem to find lasting happiness. I won't even get into joy, because I have no idea what it's supposed to be if not happiness. But, yeah, I can't seem to find lasting happiness in God. I try to obey, and I try to focus on his grace and love, but still I feel crappy.

Sure, there are some things that bring happines that last a short while. I can enjoy music and art and being with friends and so many things. But, still, they go away. And for me to pursue these things is to be let down and to be frustrated.

So, I can't find lasting happiness? What then do I find in life? Suffering, misery, pain, and sin, with really really really short interruptions by happy things.

So, what can I do? I can't seem to find lasting happiness. So, instead of looking for a positive answer, I seek a negative one: how to get rid of the bad things in life, or at least minimize them. And, right now, best, and perhaps the only, way I can see is in death. In death, all this suffering and sorrow and pain and sin will end and I will be in heaven with God.

There's not much for me here in this life. I don't see any lasting good things coming my way ever.

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God, I am tired. I want to trust in you, but I don't know how to. So, God, all I can offer you is my actions. I fully recognize that I am saved by your grace alone, so these aren't just me trying to earn your favor. No, God, I just want to please you, and find pleasure in you. And I want to be faithful and loving to you in my actions.

I've heard that it's wrong for a husband to just act like he loves his wife, or for a friend to just act like he love his friend. Bot, God, I don't know how to change the way I feel. And all I can give you are these things I do have some control over. So, God, plesae accept my attempts to bring you happiness through my actions. They're not much, but I hope you can enjoy this gift.

Sometimes, I enjoy doing these things. And sometimes, i just do them despite how I feel.

And, God, please end this all soon. I am realy tired. But you already know that. So, God, I would love for all this to just be over and done with, but while I am here, please be pleased by all this.

I hope you can find pleasure in my life, because I sure am having a hard time finding pleasure in it right now. Well, not just right now - most of the time.

Be happy in all this, please.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen