Mid-night Confessions
Well, its 4:30 in the morning. I woke up an hour ago, and I can't get back to sleep. Lots of thoughts rolling around in my head:
-----------------
Prayer of St. Basil the Great to the Most Holy Trinity
As I rise from sleep, I thank Thee, O Holy Trinity, for through Thy great goodness and patience Thou wast not angered with me, an idler and sinner, nor hast Thou destroyed me with mine iniquities, but hast shown Thy usual love for mankind; and when I was prostrate in despair, Thou hast raised me up to keep the morning watch and glorify Thy power. And now enlighten my mind's eye, and open my mouth that I may meditate on Thy words, and understand Thy commandments, and do Thy will, and hymn Thee in heartfelt confession, and sing praises to Thine all-holy name: of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen.
-----------------
I really should be getting back to sleep soon. In the morning, I begin my final week of volunteering at CMI, and I know its gonna be a hard week. All the other summer volunteers have left, so its just me and the full-time employees and volunteers during the next week.
-----------------
Recently, a number of people have stumbled onto my site. Many are telling me about their own struggle to come to the Orthodox faith. Many have been telling me about the difficulty of having your head catch up to your heart.
I don't quite know where I am. I mean, on one level, it seems that I see something true in Orthodoxy, something greater than what I have now in being an Evangelical Protestant, but my mind still has some trouble accepting some things, such as the hierarchy of church goernment, which the Fundamentalist part of me seems to violently react to, saying "It's so Catholic!" (See below.) Also, some other things too, like icons and Mary.
On the other hand, I am having a hard time finding joy in this at all. My head seems to acknowledge that what I see in Orthodoxy is true. I mean, it just makes sense historically. But, at the same time, my looking into Orthodoxy has been painful. I have a hard time seeing this as a good journey, but rather one which I would rather not take, except for the fact that I have to. To extend this entire 'travelling,' 'journey' metaphor, I would be a person who fell off a cliff and broke a number of limbs, who's trying to climb up and find a safe place. Every step hurts. And I don't feel like I could ever look back on this and say, "Oh, those were the days."
-----------------
On that note, I should say that perhaps I wasn't exactly too clear when I said in an earlier post, "As I further consider it, I really want Orthodoxy to be true. I suppose that I could also say that I would really like to become Orthodox."
What I would really like is for something, anything, to be true. But not just true, but also good. If I could find Protestant Evangelicalism, Catholicism, or even Charismaticism to be true and to give joy, I would like to be that.
-----------------
As I have been looking at theology, doctrine, dogma, and praxis outside of the Protestant Evangelical mainstream, I have found something interesting. Protestants, including others and myslef, will have a negative reaction to anything that even looks like it could somehow be maybe connected to Catholicism. And, not just a negative reaction, but often a violent negative reaction. It works very much like the 'reductio at Hitlerum', so I shall label this the 'reductio ad catholicism'
This logical reasoning takes the form, "Catholicism/Catholics support/believe/do (something like) X; therefore X must be evil"
Note, for example, the belief that the elements of the Eucharist are in some way really Christ's body and blood; veneration of the Virgin mary; liturgical worship; veneration of saints and icons; fasting; Episcopal church auhority; paying attention to history and tradition; etc.
Now, it may very well be the case that some of these are wrong. But, nevertheless, this is not a valid argument for their being wrong.
-----------------
In one week, two very important people leave. One is a former best friend, whom I will again refer to as 'Person A'. The other is my current parish priest Fr. Kevin Scherer, who is moving to Washington to become the new director of OCF (in addition to his already being director of OYO).
One of them, I have known a number of years. The other I have known for only a few months.
One was directly involved in jumpstarting this process of looking into Orthodoxy; the other in guiding me though Orthodoxy.
I haven't spoken to the one very much for almost a year; the other, I have been meeting up with weekly for a number of months.
One of them, I can't talk to: it hurts too much; the other, I will try to keep in contact with.
Both are in my prayers often.
Both love Christ very much.
Both go on to greater things.
Both will be greatly missed.
-----------------
As I think about all the things going on in my life, it hurts. If I think too long about Orthodoxy, I find myself wearied. If I think about where I will work when I graduate, I just get depressed and confused. If I think about how to relate to others, especially those of the opposite sex, depression pulls me down and I become hopeless.
In general, the future doesn't scare me or make me depressed. I would just rather that the future not exist. Which is not to say that I would like to stay where I am now, or to revert back to where I have been; often, I just wish that those didn't exist either.
-----------------
Lyrics for 'Crazy' - Gnarls Barkley
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
-----------------
Lyrics for 'Know You Better' - Reality Check
simply understanding
you see me when no
one's around
frustration shows my ptience
it seems I'll never get
this right
to get to know you better
to love you more than myself
to give you everything
all of me, all of me
I am human
I borrown this excuse for
my pride
inconsistent independent
it seems I'll never make
this right
waiting for a sign to fall
into my lap from the sky
pockets full of time
it seems I've waited
here forever
-----------------
Lyrics for 'Hands in the Air' - The Waiting
If I raise my hands just to lift the shade
Will I reveal a sky heavy and gray?
Will last night be a memory sweetly fading?
How I hate a morning starting out that way.
On these lonely, raging mornings I would whip You if I could
but You're on the mighty side of strong
and the perfect side of good.
If I raise my hands will You grab me by the wrists
And will You try to pull me from the fray?
And even if my fingers join together into fists
Will You hold me firmly anyway?
Because I would try to escape You but for everyday I'm sure
That You're on the huge side of big
And the holy side of pure
Okay
Hear what I say
As I raise my hands in surrender today.
Okay.
Here I will stay
Hands in the air, singing have Thine own way.
If I raise my hands so weak and thin and frail
Will You reveal the light of mercy in Your eyes?
If I cry to You faintly will my feeble whisper fail
Or will it find it's way to a reply?
Because, now that I'm exhausted I think I'm ready to admit
That I have spent all my resistance on someone I can't resist.
Light from my window sill, make my way to the door
I hang my head and still, I know You're wanting more.
Over the threshold now, I move across the yard
All that my will allows, my every step is hard.
Now in the garden I carve out six feet of space.
There make my will comply, lie down upon my face.
Been toe to toe too long, I'm tired of fighting You.
I see You were too strong 'cause I am black and blue.
But now I understand a loser's due to win
How every dying man is sure to rise again.
So I raise my left hand one, I raise my right hand two
Under the morning sun, my spirit cries out to You
Okay.
Hear what I say
As I raise my hands in surrender todday
Right here
Under the sun
Hands in the air, saying Thy will be done
I'm here under the sun
Hands in the air, singing Thy will be done
Okay
Here I will stay
Hands in the air, singing have Thine own way
Have Thine own way.
-----------------
Now its 5:40 AM.
-----------------
Prayer of St. Basil the Great to the Most Holy Trinity
As I rise from sleep, I thank Thee, O Holy Trinity, for through Thy great goodness and patience Thou wast not angered with me, an idler and sinner, nor hast Thou destroyed me with mine iniquities, but hast shown Thy usual love for mankind; and when I was prostrate in despair, Thou hast raised me up to keep the morning watch and glorify Thy power. And now enlighten my mind's eye, and open my mouth that I may meditate on Thy words, and understand Thy commandments, and do Thy will, and hymn Thee in heartfelt confession, and sing praises to Thine all-holy name: of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen.
-----------------
I really should be getting back to sleep soon. In the morning, I begin my final week of volunteering at CMI, and I know its gonna be a hard week. All the other summer volunteers have left, so its just me and the full-time employees and volunteers during the next week.
-----------------
Recently, a number of people have stumbled onto my site. Many are telling me about their own struggle to come to the Orthodox faith. Many have been telling me about the difficulty of having your head catch up to your heart.
I don't quite know where I am. I mean, on one level, it seems that I see something true in Orthodoxy, something greater than what I have now in being an Evangelical Protestant, but my mind still has some trouble accepting some things, such as the hierarchy of church goernment, which the Fundamentalist part of me seems to violently react to, saying "It's so Catholic!" (See below.) Also, some other things too, like icons and Mary.
On the other hand, I am having a hard time finding joy in this at all. My head seems to acknowledge that what I see in Orthodoxy is true. I mean, it just makes sense historically. But, at the same time, my looking into Orthodoxy has been painful. I have a hard time seeing this as a good journey, but rather one which I would rather not take, except for the fact that I have to. To extend this entire 'travelling,' 'journey' metaphor, I would be a person who fell off a cliff and broke a number of limbs, who's trying to climb up and find a safe place. Every step hurts. And I don't feel like I could ever look back on this and say, "Oh, those were the days."
-----------------
On that note, I should say that perhaps I wasn't exactly too clear when I said in an earlier post, "As I further consider it, I really want Orthodoxy to be true. I suppose that I could also say that I would really like to become Orthodox."
What I would really like is for something, anything, to be true. But not just true, but also good. If I could find Protestant Evangelicalism, Catholicism, or even Charismaticism to be true and to give joy, I would like to be that.
-----------------
As I have been looking at theology, doctrine, dogma, and praxis outside of the Protestant Evangelical mainstream, I have found something interesting. Protestants, including others and myslef, will have a negative reaction to anything that even looks like it could somehow be maybe connected to Catholicism. And, not just a negative reaction, but often a violent negative reaction. It works very much like the 'reductio at Hitlerum', so I shall label this the 'reductio ad catholicism'
This logical reasoning takes the form, "Catholicism/Catholics support/believe/do (something like) X; therefore X must be evil"
Note, for example, the belief that the elements of the Eucharist are in some way really Christ's body and blood; veneration of the Virgin mary; liturgical worship; veneration of saints and icons; fasting; Episcopal church auhority; paying attention to history and tradition; etc.
Now, it may very well be the case that some of these are wrong. But, nevertheless, this is not a valid argument for their being wrong.
-----------------
In one week, two very important people leave. One is a former best friend, whom I will again refer to as 'Person A'. The other is my current parish priest Fr. Kevin Scherer, who is moving to Washington to become the new director of OCF (in addition to his already being director of OYO).
One of them, I have known a number of years. The other I have known for only a few months.
One was directly involved in jumpstarting this process of looking into Orthodoxy; the other in guiding me though Orthodoxy.
I haven't spoken to the one very much for almost a year; the other, I have been meeting up with weekly for a number of months.
One of them, I can't talk to: it hurts too much; the other, I will try to keep in contact with.
Both are in my prayers often.
Both love Christ very much.
Both go on to greater things.
Both will be greatly missed.
-----------------
As I think about all the things going on in my life, it hurts. If I think too long about Orthodoxy, I find myself wearied. If I think about where I will work when I graduate, I just get depressed and confused. If I think about how to relate to others, especially those of the opposite sex, depression pulls me down and I become hopeless.
In general, the future doesn't scare me or make me depressed. I would just rather that the future not exist. Which is not to say that I would like to stay where I am now, or to revert back to where I have been; often, I just wish that those didn't exist either.
-----------------
Lyrics for 'Crazy' - Gnarls Barkley
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
-----------------
Lyrics for 'Know You Better' - Reality Check
simply understanding
you see me when no
one's around
frustration shows my ptience
it seems I'll never get
this right
to get to know you better
to love you more than myself
to give you everything
all of me, all of me
I am human
I borrown this excuse for
my pride
inconsistent independent
it seems I'll never make
this right
waiting for a sign to fall
into my lap from the sky
pockets full of time
it seems I've waited
here forever
-----------------
Lyrics for 'Hands in the Air' - The Waiting
If I raise my hands just to lift the shade
Will I reveal a sky heavy and gray?
Will last night be a memory sweetly fading?
How I hate a morning starting out that way.
On these lonely, raging mornings I would whip You if I could
but You're on the mighty side of strong
and the perfect side of good.
If I raise my hands will You grab me by the wrists
And will You try to pull me from the fray?
And even if my fingers join together into fists
Will You hold me firmly anyway?
Because I would try to escape You but for everyday I'm sure
That You're on the huge side of big
And the holy side of pure
Okay
Hear what I say
As I raise my hands in surrender today.
Okay.
Here I will stay
Hands in the air, singing have Thine own way.
If I raise my hands so weak and thin and frail
Will You reveal the light of mercy in Your eyes?
If I cry to You faintly will my feeble whisper fail
Or will it find it's way to a reply?
Because, now that I'm exhausted I think I'm ready to admit
That I have spent all my resistance on someone I can't resist.
Light from my window sill, make my way to the door
I hang my head and still, I know You're wanting more.
Over the threshold now, I move across the yard
All that my will allows, my every step is hard.
Now in the garden I carve out six feet of space.
There make my will comply, lie down upon my face.
Been toe to toe too long, I'm tired of fighting You.
I see You were too strong 'cause I am black and blue.
But now I understand a loser's due to win
How every dying man is sure to rise again.
So I raise my left hand one, I raise my right hand two
Under the morning sun, my spirit cries out to You
Okay.
Hear what I say
As I raise my hands in surrender todday
Right here
Under the sun
Hands in the air, saying Thy will be done
I'm here under the sun
Hands in the air, singing Thy will be done
Okay
Here I will stay
Hands in the air, singing have Thine own way
Have Thine own way.
-----------------
Now its 5:40 AM.
Labels: lyrics
posted by thebrainkid at 8/15/2006 04:31:00 AM
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