Thoughts I have while I should be doing homework
Well, here I am again, at a computer workstation in Moffitt. Again, I should be doing homework, but... I don't really feel like it, so here I am, writing this instead.
So, what's been going on? Let's see... Well, lots of things, but I don't know how effective I can be in communicating my thoughts. But, let's see how well I do anyway.
...
So, in this past week, I have spoken both to Pastor Allan and to Dave Fong about some of the stuff I have been going through and feeling, and ... well, I don't know if doing so has really helped. I mean, doing so didn't make things worse, or so I hope, but I am still dealing with the same thoughts, concerns, fears, nd other issues that I was before. Of course, in talking with them, I was able to get some better insight into some of the problems, or so I think. Then again, I find myself questioning whether or not some of the insights I think I have had are in fact mere B.S. Maybe I am totally not understanding what is going on, and am trying to answer issues that I just don't understand.
For instance, take one of the insights I think I have had: People say to be yourself around others, and to not worry about impressing other people in what you say and do. However, when I look at myself, it seems like I always put on façade whenever I am around other people; I am always masquerading before others. So, of course, many would say that I should just stop doing that and be me. But, here's the thing: I have to force myself to be social, to go out and interact with people. Normally, I am the kind of guy who would just go and be alone with a good book (or even a mediocre or bd book) for hours on end. I find it difficult normally to be that person and to go out and be social. So, in forcing myself to be social, I have to force myself to put on another character. This new character has to be unique, so that I have some identity among others. Of course, this new character can't be something that has no correlation to the real me, so there is some similarity, some connection between the character and the inner me. In some cases, that resultes in a character with a deep interest in theology, for instance. Other times, I might make myself out to be a loudmouth (with a slight southern accent; I find myself often playing this character at CityMinistries); other times, I look like a overly pensive, depressed figure (this one seems to show up a lot here, on my blog). Of course, in reality, I don't know as much about theology and philosophy as I make myself seem to know; it may even be the case that I don't really like theology as much as others think I do. But, here I am, stuck with acting out that persona, or some other persona, or else I end up just not being social.
So, is this a bunch of BS? Am I totally not understanding myself? Or am I right about this situation; and if so, why am I stuck in a mentality most people seemingly left behind in junior high or high school?
-----------------
On that note, I am no good at having friends and being a friend. Experience seems to indicate this, for friendships just seem to dissolve and go away (For instance, look at previous friends from Alma Heights, Terra Nova, ABSK/BBC, and various clubs and classes, and various individuals, like Katherine Lew (RIP), "Person A," and Malcolm (RIP).). So, as I look at the relationships I have now, it seems inevitable that these will go away too, just because I lack the skill of maintaining relationships.
-----------------
Of course, I find myself questioning the validity of the idea of the "personal relationship," or at least the image of such relationships that is portrayed in our society. As I look at the subject, I note that most societies throughout histopry and even most of those existing today are not individual-focused, but rather are group-oriented. Indeed, on some level, we in western, American society are too. I don't know if I would be able to really go into a lot of detail about such things, just because I don't know so very much about such topics.
However, this should greatly affect the way Christians do religion. The entire "personal relationship with Jesus" hermeneutic, where the idea of "Jesus is your buddy!" is to be found on every page of the Word, just isn't valid, because the culture in which the Bible was written did not think in these ways. Indeed, if we really look at this matter, much of the way we understand God as our "Father in Heaven" may also be flawed, since familial and paternal relationships in the ancient Near East (ANE) are so very different from the relationships we have today in our western society. I could talk a little more about this subject at some later point, but if you want to understand more about the mindset of people of ANE culture, look into the works of Bruce Malina, or, if you don't want to get lost in those intellectual works, read some of the commentary on ANE life and culture from JP Holding at Tektonics.org
---------------
On the subject of religion and of relating to God, I visited an (Eastern) Orthodox Church for the first time today. Of course, I have been in a Divine Liturgy before, over at the OCF in Berkeley, but this is the first time going to a church. The church I went to was St John the Evangelist (Antiochian) Orthodox church of Orinda, and it was quite lovely.
One thing I find myself thinking about a lot is how beauty seems to permeate Orthodox worship, in contrast to the growth of consumer-culture in Evangelical churches. When you worship in an Evangelical church, the songs are usually of the bouncy, clappy, "I love Jesus! I am so happy!" type, which isn't necessarily bad, but there is too much of a focus on the individual in such worship services; consider, for example, how someone like me should fit into such a service, I who have a hard time loving Christ (and even have a hard time understanding what love is) and who am often not very happy with life. On the other hand, in older, more traditional churches, like some "Good Ole Suth'n Baptist" churches, I can honestly sing the hymns, but sometimes the music is stale and unappetizing. In contrast, Orthodox worship is, in a word, awe-ful (that is, ful of Awe, not awful.), or, perhaps, awe-inspiring. Beauty permeates the whole thing, and, if one can get past any fundamentalist evangelical tendencies to think of the praxes of the Orthodox church as being mindless repetition and foul ritualism, due to its similarity to Roman Catholic praxes and the historical relationship between Protestants and Roman Catholics, then one finds one's self surrounded by beauty as a fish is by water.
Of course, I still do not call myself an member of the Eastern Orthodox church, because of some isues I have. Sure, there are some theological issues, but, mostly, I deal with thoughts of relationships to people (see the above rant on my Junior High mentality). For instance, how would becoming Eastern Orthodox affect my relationships with the friends I do have right now, or with my family, considering how Orthodox praxes and beliefs resemble Catholic praxes and beliefs, and how would I fit into an Eastern Orthodox church, given that (1) I am not very good at being social and developing relationships, and (2) Orthodox churches and culture is very ethniccally-focused, whether the people be Greek, Russian, Arab, or whatever else, and, to be frank, I am not Greek, Russian, Arab, etc., but rather am Asian, and thus would stick out like a durian hanging off of an olive tree.
And, again, there are some theological issues, but I don't feel like writing about those at the moment, but maybe I will at some future point in time.
------------------
I really should be working on homework right now, so I'll try to end this soon...
Well, since I am on the topic of school I still have no idea why I am doing school. I mean, I don't see anything I am doing here as a student as being particularly important, so I find myself quite indifferent or apathetic concerning school matters. Of course, there are other things I value as I am here in Berkeley, such as being able to develop friendships in AACF (weak though they may be), and being in such an intellectual and spiritual environment, where I am able to study such things as Eastern Orthodoxy. But, school itself is relatively useless in my eyes, or at least the school stuff I am doing right now.
[
People ask me what I enjoy, what I would like to do. And, I have noticed, as have many others, that I seem to like religious matters a lot. So, many have suggested that I look into seminary or something else of that nature, and the thought has crossed my mind as well. Of course, there are a few problems. First, there is the matter of not knowing exactly what I believe right now, as I look Orthodoxy (and into some other branches of Christianity). Second, there is the matter of not knowing if I could actually be of use if I were to get such an education. I mean, I don't really know if I would be good in a religious vocation, since, again, I am not too good at developing relationships, and many would say that the relationships one builds as a pastor, priest, whatever, are important, and also since I have a hard time making use of my religious knowledge right now, and thus not knowing if it would be useful later on.
]
So, here I am, stuck at school, doing things without really caring or knowing why these are important, and not knowing where i am going with all of this.
-----------------
Well, on that happy note, I should go do homework now. So, tata for now, and may God have mercy on us all.
So, what's been going on? Let's see... Well, lots of things, but I don't know how effective I can be in communicating my thoughts. But, let's see how well I do anyway.
...
So, in this past week, I have spoken both to Pastor Allan and to Dave Fong about some of the stuff I have been going through and feeling, and ... well, I don't know if doing so has really helped. I mean, doing so didn't make things worse, or so I hope, but I am still dealing with the same thoughts, concerns, fears, nd other issues that I was before. Of course, in talking with them, I was able to get some better insight into some of the problems, or so I think. Then again, I find myself questioning whether or not some of the insights I think I have had are in fact mere B.S. Maybe I am totally not understanding what is going on, and am trying to answer issues that I just don't understand.
For instance, take one of the insights I think I have had: People say to be yourself around others, and to not worry about impressing other people in what you say and do. However, when I look at myself, it seems like I always put on façade whenever I am around other people; I am always masquerading before others. So, of course, many would say that I should just stop doing that and be me. But, here's the thing: I have to force myself to be social, to go out and interact with people. Normally, I am the kind of guy who would just go and be alone with a good book (or even a mediocre or bd book) for hours on end. I find it difficult normally to be that person and to go out and be social. So, in forcing myself to be social, I have to force myself to put on another character. This new character has to be unique, so that I have some identity among others. Of course, this new character can't be something that has no correlation to the real me, so there is some similarity, some connection between the character and the inner me. In some cases, that resultes in a character with a deep interest in theology, for instance. Other times, I might make myself out to be a loudmouth (with a slight southern accent; I find myself often playing this character at CityMinistries); other times, I look like a overly pensive, depressed figure (this one seems to show up a lot here, on my blog). Of course, in reality, I don't know as much about theology and philosophy as I make myself seem to know; it may even be the case that I don't really like theology as much as others think I do. But, here I am, stuck with acting out that persona, or some other persona, or else I end up just not being social.
So, is this a bunch of BS? Am I totally not understanding myself? Or am I right about this situation; and if so, why am I stuck in a mentality most people seemingly left behind in junior high or high school?
-----------------
On that note, I am no good at having friends and being a friend. Experience seems to indicate this, for friendships just seem to dissolve and go away (For instance, look at previous friends from Alma Heights, Terra Nova, ABSK/BBC, and various clubs and classes, and various individuals, like Katherine Lew (RIP), "Person A," and Malcolm (RIP).). So, as I look at the relationships I have now, it seems inevitable that these will go away too, just because I lack the skill of maintaining relationships.
-----------------
Of course, I find myself questioning the validity of the idea of the "personal relationship," or at least the image of such relationships that is portrayed in our society. As I look at the subject, I note that most societies throughout histopry and even most of those existing today are not individual-focused, but rather are group-oriented. Indeed, on some level, we in western, American society are too. I don't know if I would be able to really go into a lot of detail about such things, just because I don't know so very much about such topics.
However, this should greatly affect the way Christians do religion. The entire "personal relationship with Jesus" hermeneutic, where the idea of "Jesus is your buddy!" is to be found on every page of the Word, just isn't valid, because the culture in which the Bible was written did not think in these ways. Indeed, if we really look at this matter, much of the way we understand God as our "Father in Heaven" may also be flawed, since familial and paternal relationships in the ancient Near East (ANE) are so very different from the relationships we have today in our western society. I could talk a little more about this subject at some later point, but if you want to understand more about the mindset of people of ANE culture, look into the works of Bruce Malina, or, if you don't want to get lost in those intellectual works, read some of the commentary on ANE life and culture from JP Holding at Tektonics.org
---------------
On the subject of religion and of relating to God, I visited an (Eastern) Orthodox Church for the first time today. Of course, I have been in a Divine Liturgy before, over at the OCF in Berkeley, but this is the first time going to a church. The church I went to was St John the Evangelist (Antiochian) Orthodox church of Orinda, and it was quite lovely.
One thing I find myself thinking about a lot is how beauty seems to permeate Orthodox worship, in contrast to the growth of consumer-culture in Evangelical churches. When you worship in an Evangelical church, the songs are usually of the bouncy, clappy, "I love Jesus! I am so happy!" type, which isn't necessarily bad, but there is too much of a focus on the individual in such worship services; consider, for example, how someone like me should fit into such a service, I who have a hard time loving Christ (and even have a hard time understanding what love is) and who am often not very happy with life. On the other hand, in older, more traditional churches, like some "Good Ole Suth'n Baptist" churches, I can honestly sing the hymns, but sometimes the music is stale and unappetizing. In contrast, Orthodox worship is, in a word, awe-ful (that is, ful of Awe, not awful.), or, perhaps, awe-inspiring. Beauty permeates the whole thing, and, if one can get past any fundamentalist evangelical tendencies to think of the praxes of the Orthodox church as being mindless repetition and foul ritualism, due to its similarity to Roman Catholic praxes and the historical relationship between Protestants and Roman Catholics, then one finds one's self surrounded by beauty as a fish is by water.
Of course, I still do not call myself an member of the Eastern Orthodox church, because of some isues I have. Sure, there are some theological issues, but, mostly, I deal with thoughts of relationships to people (see the above rant on my Junior High mentality). For instance, how would becoming Eastern Orthodox affect my relationships with the friends I do have right now, or with my family, considering how Orthodox praxes and beliefs resemble Catholic praxes and beliefs, and how would I fit into an Eastern Orthodox church, given that (1) I am not very good at being social and developing relationships, and (2) Orthodox churches and culture is very ethniccally-focused, whether the people be Greek, Russian, Arab, or whatever else, and, to be frank, I am not Greek, Russian, Arab, etc., but rather am Asian, and thus would stick out like a durian hanging off of an olive tree.
And, again, there are some theological issues, but I don't feel like writing about those at the moment, but maybe I will at some future point in time.
------------------
I really should be working on homework right now, so I'll try to end this soon...
Well, since I am on the topic of school I still have no idea why I am doing school. I mean, I don't see anything I am doing here as a student as being particularly important, so I find myself quite indifferent or apathetic concerning school matters. Of course, there are other things I value as I am here in Berkeley, such as being able to develop friendships in AACF (weak though they may be), and being in such an intellectual and spiritual environment, where I am able to study such things as Eastern Orthodoxy. But, school itself is relatively useless in my eyes, or at least the school stuff I am doing right now.
[
People ask me what I enjoy, what I would like to do. And, I have noticed, as have many others, that I seem to like religious matters a lot. So, many have suggested that I look into seminary or something else of that nature, and the thought has crossed my mind as well. Of course, there are a few problems. First, there is the matter of not knowing exactly what I believe right now, as I look Orthodoxy (and into some other branches of Christianity). Second, there is the matter of not knowing if I could actually be of use if I were to get such an education. I mean, I don't really know if I would be good in a religious vocation, since, again, I am not too good at developing relationships, and many would say that the relationships one builds as a pastor, priest, whatever, are important, and also since I have a hard time making use of my religious knowledge right now, and thus not knowing if it would be useful later on.
]
So, here I am, stuck at school, doing things without really caring or knowing why these are important, and not knowing where i am going with all of this.
-----------------
Well, on that happy note, I should go do homework now. So, tata for now, and may God have mercy on us all.
posted by thebrainkid at 10/30/2005 07:29:00 PM
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