Some thoughts

Well, I'm supposed to be studying for a midterm I have in about 8.5 hours, but my mind is wandering all over, and some of these thoughts are quite interesting.

As I study, I have my mind considering all sorts of theological concerns. Of course, I am still looking at Eastern Orthodoxy, and some other stuff, and these things are on my mind, but for the time being, my mind's focus was elsewhere.

I was having a talk with Natalie a few days ago, just discussing some of my thoughts and the situations and feelings that I have been going through recently, and the something like the following was said:

Me: "..., and, well, you know how I have theology as one of my hobbies..."
Nat: "That's not quite true. Theology is more than just a hobby for you. It's more like... some sore part of who you are."

As I have been looking back at the conversation we had, this is one of the things that really sticks out in my head.

I mean, I can't deny it. It's absolutely true: concerns over philosophy and theology drive me. It's what I spend most of my time reading about and looking at in my spare time. Heck, even in my non-spare time, I have such thoughts running all around in my head. In class, while walking around the Berkeley campus or the city, while doing the various activities of life, my thoughts are often on theology and philosophy.

Despite this, it's not like I have very many answers to my questions. Quite the opposite: looking at this stuff just brings me to more questions.

Anyway, as I was studying earlier, I kept having another thought pop up into my head: Why am I doing all this? Why the heck am I studying CogSci stuff for this midterm tomorrow? I mean, while it is interesting, I don't really see myself going into a job that relates to this stuff. It seems like I am just studying it right now for no reason, other than perhaps to get a good grade tomorrow.

And, as I think about a lot of the stuff related to this, not very much of it seems very helpful to people. I mean, I suppose I could go into teaching, or something, but I don't know if I would be any good at that.

So, I was thinking about how I don't really know why I am doing this, and how I don't really have any idea where this is all going. I have no idea about what I am gonna end up doing for a job, nor even what I want to do for a job.

People say, do something you enjoy. Do something that you would be happy doing for the rest of your life.

And, I thought, "Hey, I like studying theology! Could I do anything with that?"

But, as i thought about it more, I wondered if doing something with theology could be helpful to other people. I mean, to help people with theology and stuff, I would have to relate to other people.

Now, I really suck at interacting with other people and developing good relationships. I am not so good at making strong friendships, as is shown in that I totally lost contact wiht most of my "close" friends in high school about two or three weeks after graduation. Even the ones I still do have contact with, I don't know how to relate to them at all.

I'm no good at developing relationships with other people. I am a failure at relating both to males and to females; to Filipinos, Chinese, Whites, and whoever else; to Evangelicals and to other flavours of Christians, and to non-Christians; and to any other souls under the sun.

I constantly find that, to any group I find myself around, I end up being "xenos," an outsider, whether it's because of the group, or because of the way I am. As I think about it more and more, I think my personality is built so that, even when not consciously trying to not fit in, I subconsciously act in such a way as to be different from others.

So, if I am around a lot of people who like "white people" music, like in 7th grade, I get interested in rap and hip-hop; if I am around people who like rap and hiphop, like in 8th grade and high school, I get into other types of music, like CCM. if I am around a lot of slackers, like at Terra Nova, I become Mr. Super-Student. On the other hand, if I am around a lot of very smart, studious people, like at Berkeley, I end up as a slacker. If I am around a lot of (religious) laymen, I get very interested in Theology and Philosophy; However, I suppose that, if I were surrounded by a lot of people very interested in theology, I would come to like other things. I can make myself stand out in a group of people as a very social individual, while if I am alone with a few people, I become someone else entirely.

Some people say that your character is defined as who you are when there is nobody around. If this is true, then I am nothing but a lying, lazy, arrogant, and pretentious pervert who deals with rage issues, depression, and antisocial tendencies, along with a whole lot of other personality problems.

So, as I look at it, I don't see any couse of action as being particulatly useful, I don't see anything I like as being particularly useful (Not to mention that I have a hard time believing that anything in which I could find even a little hope of relatively lasting happiness could ever happen.), and, when I really look at it, I seem to be really useless too.

And, to think, all this stuff that I just wrote came out of me when I wasn't really in a depressed state! Now, that's depressing!